Am i being selfish?

Question

MY HUSBAND CLAIMS THAT I COMPLAIN CONSTANTY ABOUT EVERYTHING I DEMAND TO MUCH?WE HAVE A 12 YEAR OLD DAUGTER & AND I HAVE A SON FROM A PREV. AND SO DOES HE "BOTH THE SAME AGE" MY SON HAS A FULL TIME JOB AND SO DOES HIS! MINE LIVES ON HIS OWN HIS LIVES WITH US AND PAYS NOTHING" when" MY SON LIVED WITH US HE HAD TO PAY $100.00 A WEEK .HIS SON WAS RAISED BYE MY HUSBANDS MOTHER MY HUSBAND THINKS HE SHOULD BE ABE TO LIVE FREE FOR AS LONG HED LIKE AND HE WON"T ASK HIM TO PICKUP AFTER HIS SELF OR PAY FOR ANYTHING HES 19 WE ARE ALWAYS FIGHTING ABOUT THIS .HE BEEN LIVING WITH US ABOUT 2 MONTHS WE WERE DOING GREAT UNTILL NOW. HE WILL TELL OUR DAUGHTER TO CLEAN UP AFTER HER SELF

Answer 1

Not to down play your husband but it is not fair for him to treat his son as though he was king of the house but then expect your daughter to do the picking up and the household chores. That's just not right. Also, it isn't right that your son had to pay to live with you and now he's letting his son live there as a free loader, first of all it isn't teaching his son any responsibilities of being an adult and he will soon learn that he can get through life like this, he'll want everyone else to do things for him. Most of all its not fair to you because you are put into a position that makes you feel terrible. I don't think your being selfish at all. What's happening is that your husband is picking favorites and its just demanding too much out of the others. it isn't right of him and it doesn't make for good parenting. When you have more than one child you have to be fair will all of them. he needs to realize what he is doing isn't teaching his 19 son anything but to be a bum and that daddy will take care of everything for me. Just keeping fighting for what you think is right. and if he wants his son to live with you then start demanding that he pulls his own weight in the household. hes old enough now, or at least i think he would be, that he should be able to take care of himself and he should be doing all his own things like doing the laundry, picking up after himself. I feel for ya and i wish you the best of luck!

Answer 2

The three of you sit down and determine if this 19 year old has any future goals. Find out if he even plans on changing this situation. Then remind the both of them that when your son turned 18 he paid the 100.00 a week. And say that it comes to 800.00 so far. Then say that until he gets a job, he needs to earn that 100.00 worth there at the house by doing things. Especially if your husband and you both work. If you are supporting a no job loser, he should have the house and the supper ready when you get home until he has a job of his own. If your husband does not like this and says anything, then ask him why and how is he being fair to you and your son? Tell him that he cannot partialize between kids and they all have to be treated equally. If he still is mad then you probably will need someone elses input, like your husband's parents or a family friend's opinion. Most of the time, your husband will not listen to you on big issues until he gets another person's input. I hate it, but men are like that. NO YOU ARE NOT BEING SELFISH!

Answer 3

Hi,
I have a 15 year old son and a 3 year old son. I think you are absolutely in the right. The 19 year old certainly needs some guidance in the financial world. Your husband is merely enabling him and although he feels he is doing him a favor, he could actually be injuring him in the long run.

I think the three of you should sit down, assess his finances, and determine what would be an attainable rent payment that he could afford and still be able to enjoy his social life. Believe me, it sounds harsh to charge your son to live in your house, but it will better prepare him and make it much more likely to succeed once he is out on his own.

This could be his first step toward learning how to budget, plan, and save for his life and future. you are correct and it is absolutely the right thing to do for this 19 year old!

Good luck

Answer 4

You are absolutely not being selfish. You are right and continue insisting what you think is good.

Telling your daughter to clean up after her own mess is okay, but to clean up big brother's mess is another story. Your step son must abide with the house rules and regulations too. But if your husband is against you then you have a big time issue.

If he is planning to stay there for six months it's just right to demand a little money from him and little chores.

Answer 5

I am sorry to say that you have married a guy who's probably used to a life of living off others and it's now rubbed off onto his son!
Well, it was your choice in the first place, so you have to live with it. For a relationship to last long, both parties must accept each other's differences in values and behaviour. If you feel now that you cannot accept such behaviour and values, its your decision to make. Do it and stop living such a stressful life! You appear to be very angry over this.

Answer 6

Your husband has issues with his son and is trying to make up for is lack of raising him in the past and giving him more than the other children. You can ask your husband to pick up after his child and ask him to pay for his child also he might change his mind if not I'd ignore it. Is it really worth all the fighting?

Answer 7

Your husband feels guilty about the way his son has been screwed up by the way he has chosen to live his life, so he's making it up to him by being easy on him. This is not likely to change. You can try family counseling, but basically your husband needs to help his son learn to be a man by kicking him to the curb and he's not willing to do so.

Do you complain and demand a lot? Most women do without realizing it.

Answer 8

First... caps need to be turned off.

Next, make his son do something around the house... especially like cleaning and doing chores. I live with my mom... but then again I also take care of the lawn, sometimes do dishes, sometimes do laundry, sometimes buy groceries, and I go to work and school both full-time and have no fun except for answering questions(that isn't really fun).

Answer 9

It is never easy when someone new moves into the house. There is always a transition time. It is important for all of the expectations to put out on the table. I am not only talking about yours, but his too. If you want to make it work, you will also have to work at it.... and give it time for everyone to get used to the new living arrangements...

Answer 10

We have an 18 yr old still living at home who decided to skip a year before he goes to college and his 19 yr old best friend is also living here. This summer our son decided to live the life of luxury, one of friends, partying (something totally new to us), no job and no rules. Due to not wanting to live by the rules I set, he decided to live on his own for 3 weeks in a friends trashy apartment and slept on the floor all while mooching off of his friends. After a scare from the police he decided to move back home and live under our "new" rules. His friend is living here because his mother (who has not been much of a mother to him at all over the years) threw him out of his house. We've given them choices.....they can either pay $25.00 each a week rent and $25.00 weekly extra for laundry and $25.00 for food each week with no curfews. Or they have the choice to work their butts off around the house for room and board including all yardwork, laundry, cleaning, they both work outside jobs at 45-50 hrs. a week and have midnight curfews even on weekends and cannot stay out at friends houses (because of past choices). And if they do not abide by these choices, they have the choice to once again move out. And so far, the past month, this has worked for us.
But you both do need to sit down, calmly, and make up your own set of rules that will work for both of you. The rules won't necessarily work for his son though, because teens' this age do not want to negotiatate with their parents.....they only want to do it their own way.
I know what it feels like to be taken advantage of though...I've also got a 16 yr old and an 11 yr old all boys, plus a husband who wouldn't pick up his own underwear or change the toilet paper roll if his life depended on it, so I do not think you are one bit selfish! You are just asking for the respect that us mothers deserve.....I've even considered going on strike! And I'm truly serious, just to show my family how much I do and that it takes "teamwork" to run a successful home!
Good luck and I pray you all will come to a healthy conclusion!