How do you deal a sixteeen year old son thinking that his dad is just it?

Question

Ive raised my son on my own for 9 yrs. now and all of a sudden I'm nothing and his dead beat dad is everything. How do I deal with the fact that I'm the one that has been there for everything in his life and now I'm nothing!!!!It just burns me up that the one that has never been there now gets all the love and support from my son and I feel left out.

Answer 1

I've worked with divorced and single fathers for 18 years, in cases where they were denied access to the children, which happens in 60% of the cases. This not being your case, I can still tell you that it is the age, when often boys become more attracted to the father, though with him, he is actually running a few years late. It's nothing against you, and he will come back around as he matures and sees his father for what he really was. Right now, his brain is still so much mush. It has been less than four years since he began developing conceptual thought process. He has another 14 years before he reaches full maturity.

I've often see the reverse cases, where the child has been alienated from the father, than as he matures, realizes what was being done, than turned his back on the mother. I hope, that if the father is still behind on his child support that you are still enforcing it. As far as the time he is spending with the boy, it is better now than never. Just be patient, things will change back again.

If you click on my image and go to my Yahoo 360 page, you will find a pie chart that will be useful to you. Right click on it, save it to your computer, and print it out. Put it up on his bedroom wall.

Answer 2

First think back a few years to when you were 16, I know when I was that age the more my parents told me someone was trouble or a bad influence things like that the more I was determined to be around them to prove my parents wrong. Your son knows that you have been there and knows what you have done, but chances are he has this "father" telling a different version of the story and as a 16 year old he WANTS to see his dad as a hero of some sort and wants to believe he loves him and has wanted to be more involved. Does it hurt, yes but you have to let him see for himself what this man is really about. He is 16 he is at the age where mom is merely the one to do laundry and cook the meals ALL kids go through this. Be patient, and tell him that no matter what you love him and you are there for him and if he ever wants to talk all he has to do is say the word. My parents were divorced when I was 4 and from then until the time my father died 26 years later I never heard either of my parents say a bad word about the other. When dad wouldn't show up for visits etc I know my mom was mad but all she ever said was your dad loves you in his way and held us while we cried. Our dad promised us the world but it was our mother who delivered it. Your son will see all of this so for now as much as it hurts all you can do is let him be and be there to pick up the pieces.

Answer 3

Your son's respect for his fatherj does not negate his love for you. Instead, be glad that your son has a father in his life. A dead beat dad while flawed is preferable to a dead dad. Teenage boys (and even us adults) need a father figure to look up to. As a single mother, I'm guessing you've made countless sacrifices for your sons hapiness. Now make one more. In the long run he'll thank you for it.

On a side note, you mentioned that you ex is a deadbeat. I hope you've taken steps to collect child support including garnishing his wages.

Answer 4

Don't interfere with the process. Your son will figure it out in time. Just be there for him when he does cause it is pretty painful when he realizes that the pedestal that he has put his dad on was just an illusion.

At this age many boys are drawing more away from their moms and trying to bond with adult male role models......and not all of those choices are going to be good.

Answer 5

I would let him go with his dad for a while.If he's the bad guy you say he is.You're son will find this out on his own quickly,He will respect you so much more.If he's really not a bad guy and you're saying these bad things out of anger or jealousy,then you're son will be OK with him.A boy needs a man in their life especially at this age.You're son is reaching out to you and wanting you're approval to love his father.And spend time with him.And by all means he deserves it.You shouldn't deny him this.

Answer 6

You would feel left out even if his dad was still not around. Teenagers clash with their parents, and that leaves the parent feeling very unappreciated. I hope you know deep down in you that he will see all of this when he gets a little older. ( but don't expect him to ever tell you so)

Answer 7

Shame on you for wanting the boy to hate his father (the man you chose to mate with) Now will you believe that a child needs both parents? The divorce was between you and his father, not between him and his father. Why do divorced women become so bitter and possessive of things that can not be possessed?

Answer 8

He will eventually see this guy for what he really is. If you get mad and badmouth his father it will backfire! He will eventually wonder where his dad has been for the past 9 years. If not, and you don't see radical and harmful changes in your son's behavior, you should let your personal feelings go, and let him experience a relationship with his dad. Young men need a male role model.

Answer 9

If his dad is suddenly back in his life, he probably thinks dad's cool since he's probably getting away with everything when he's around dad that you don't allow him to do. Just have patience. He'll outgrow this stage and get his head back on straight.

Answer 10

Time will heal all wounds. If his father is a dead beat, he'll figure it out. The hard part will be when you have to handle his broken heart once he gets the true image.