My 18 yr. old daughter who is a sr. in high school, just got in contact with me back on July 24th. She found me on myspace. We communicated over myspace for about 2 weeks and then she finally came over to visit. We had a very teary eyed reunion when she came to visit the first time. Her mother would never let me see her and I thought with the way her mother and I could not get along for 5 seconds, it just might be better if I wasn't in the picture, so I just backed off and quit fighting to see her. She only lived in a neighboring town. She has come over almost every weekend and stayed here with me, my son and my wife. I just recently found out yesterday that she would like to spend alot more time here, and she hinted that she wanted to move in. I did let her know that the door was open if she wanted to. She says the past is no big deal now, that she just wants to have me in her life and we should just leave the past behind us. Do you think she is telling the truth that shes not mad?
2006-09-17 15:26:24 · 19 answers · asked by big10inmidd 2 in Social Science ➔ Psychology
Or do you think she is just trying to keep the harsh feelings she has from coming to the surface and causing a confrontation. She is a christian girl and she says that she wants me to be in her life, so she can have someone to call "dad". I love her dearly and always have even during the time I couldn't see her. I always knew this day would come, but I also thought that a confrontation would come along with that day or soon after it. Please people, I need your honest heart felt thoughts about this.
2006-09-17 15:29:22 · update #1
October girl, I would probably wouldn't feel as bad as I do about not being around if she did lash out at me. I think to some extent she should be mad at me, but she isn't and that kills me that she has forgiven me just like that. But if she was mad at me about it, I would not love her any less. I would just have to beg for her forgivness
2006-09-17 15:32:17 · update #2
Hello, I'm 33 now and my father raised me i didnt meet my mother until i was 17. At first it was nice we got along great but she still had trouble being my mother, she felt that she didnt have the right to act like a mother is supposed to act. It took her years to be able to even start to feel like a mother, she felt gilt for many years and probably still does. I didnt resent her at all. I just wished she would of been around when i was a child. But that is to late to get any of that back now. I just look towards the future and we moved on from there.My dad always had bad stuff to say about her. from what i remember he never said anything nice about her.So i think its probably the same thing with you and your child her mother probably had bad stuff to say about you.You need to tell her why you was not around all of them years. I would loved to have a explanation like that from my mother but never got one that i could of believed.She always blamed it on my dad. But i would of felt better if she would of said i couldnt feed you or clothe you or even give you proper housing it was always because my father ran her off.What im trying to tell you is its too late to fix the past, but now you have the future to look forwards too, She will in her own time,( BLOW UP) and i can promise you that. And thats alright she has the right to blow up at you and ask questions. let her say what she needs to, to you. She will feel better and so will you.But dont sit back and worry about that it will destroy you and her. it will happen when it happens. Probably the first time you dont agree on something.But it sounds like she loves you and is so glad to have you in her life right now. Enjoy her and just show her that you love her. Dont dwell on the past.Start your life together.Thats all you have now. (Future)....good luck and god bless you..
2006-09-17 16:58:09 · answer #1 · answered by bllnickie 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Being that she is 18, old enough to speak her mind, I would have to trust that she is being honest.
However- and I hate to say this.... something in you isnt quite there yet it seems. You feel some guilt, or insecurity- something that is causing you to question her and your relationship.
Now, mine might not be the popular answer, its just my humble opinion, but here goes....
I think you should continue to spend time together and nurture your relationship more before having her move in. And I say this for two reasons.
1- even though she says she has no hard feelings, you want to give everything enough time, as to get through that sort of honeymoon period of sorts, where everyone gets along after years of absence or fighting, and then after a while things get more normal and people start to really say more of what they feel. I am not sure i can relate that to words well, but, its been just a couple month. I would want to make sure that if she had some problems, they came up over more time rather than have everyone under one roof, and as time goes on, suddenly you are delaing with a host of issues.
2- the other concern I would have, is, if you are living in a nearby town, I am curious, as a senior, if she has to switch schools to live with you, why she would do so. I mean, not to offend oyu in any way, but most teens are really into their school by their senior year, have many friends, and wouldnt want to switch at their last year. I ask this because OI am curious if there is anything that is going on living with her mom, or problems at her school, that you should consider before having her move in. Its a big switch to hint aorund for- I would want to make sure the motivation is clear. That may mean some conversation with your ex, or some more tlaking with your daughter, or giving it time to see, or just going with it. But I would want to see, for such a big change, if everything was ok with her life with her mom, before I said ok.
I hope I have helped some. I can see mine wont be the most popular opinions, but I would want to make sure I didnt rush into anything and get anyone hurt in the process. I wish you the best of luck.
2006-09-17 15:41:27 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Don't be so hard on yourself. Maybe you should have kept fighting to see your daughter but things get tough and you thought you made the best desicion at the time. If she can forgive and forget then that is great. Hopefully she can. Have you tried talking to her about it all and seeing how she feels or have felt all these years. Or tell her how you feel and have felt over the years. Just get it all out in the open so that you can enjoy your life together now with no underlying feelings. Hope this helps. Good luck. I'm glad she found you.
2006-09-17 19:20:12 · answer #3 · answered by sweet.pjs1 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
HEY - SLOW DOWN and get your mind out of overdrive. It sounds to me like you've done altogether too much thinking and analysing - and that is what ultimately led to your coming up with rationalizations as to why you should be accepting separation from your daughter. For goodness sakes, just go with the flow, take each day as it comes and enjoy this opportunity to get your child back. If she wants to move then in let her - just be thankful for these days and stop trying to overanalyze it or you'll be unable to fully trust and you'll ruin everything again.
Now that I've just read your additional material I am even more certain of my understanding of you - lighten up and enjoy your daughter without trying to hyperanalyze all these angles - you're spinning your mental wheels and you may be totally off base. Each day has problems enough on its own - leave tomorrow's problems for tomorrow - you can deal with them IF they arise, and if they don't arise then your sweating it today will have been a total waste. You should read the "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" series - it was written for you - and you can get it in just about any bookstore for only $10
2006-09-17 15:34:25 · answer #4 · answered by Strangerbarry 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well give her a chance to be near you, and if she starts acting up well maybe she is not ready to take you as a "dad" right now. But don't be you the one closing the doors on her, i'm pretty sure she is mad about you not being there for her all her life, but who is she to judge you, just talk to her and set the cards over the table since the beginning and maybe she will understand the situation with you and her mom . so good luck and hope everything goes great in your new relationship with your daughter.
2006-09-17 15:35:56 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am not sure about your daughters capability to act like an adult. She is still too young to regonize what is going on in your life. I would not recommend her moving in. That will cause you troubles betweenyou and your ex wife. Especially if she has a court order out against you. Whether your daugther has moved on with her life and forgiven you , time can only tell. Whatever you do do with some professional help like a counselor, a social worker .... Cause healing still needs to be done. Also you do not want your ex wife to be your worst enemy when your daughter is moving into your place. Good luck.
2006-09-17 15:31:54 · answer #6 · answered by angelikabertrand64 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It seems that you are feeling guilty.
Applaud your daughter for being mature, she seems to be mentally balanced. It is great that she is not angry and wants to spend time with you.
However, it seems that you need to ask for forgiveness. That is great that you feel that way toward your daughter, it shows you care. Plan some father/daughter time for just the two of you to spend together in a different environment. Make a day for just her and do something fun together which will allow you to talk. Express how you feel and sincerely ASK for her forgiveness.
Maybe your daughter is not angry because she knows how 'controlling' her mother is.
Enjoy your daughter and take one day at a time, if she expresses angry later, deal with it later. But for now, welcome your daughter into your life and your family.
Best Wishes!!!
2006-09-17 15:45:51 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Don't question this--accept it as a gift and a chance to provide the love and acceptance and guidance she needs to heal. Don't over-compensate out of guilt, but definitely don't expect her to be mad. Treat her as you would treat your daughter, even if that includes setting limits. I don't know if it's the right thing to have her move in, but the relationship is a valuable chance to move on in your development too. I don't know where this will lead, but she sounds like a good girl. She needs your acceptance. it will affect the kind of relationships she has with men for the rest of her life.
2006-09-17 15:40:01 · answer #8 · answered by Helpful Kim 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yes , I think she is telling the truth. Father daughter relation is really very special. I knew this frm the very beginning but it is THAT special I realised only after I lost my dad. Don't let the time slip out of your hand. You have nothing to lose. Spend quality time together & share precious moments. They will be with you forever. Even if she is lying & it hurts u later, it will be still worth it. Rest ofcourse is up to you. All the best!!
2006-09-17 15:32:18 · answer #9 · answered by sweetgirl 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My dad keep me away from my mom from the age of 4 - we found each other when I was 36 - way to long and I was never mad at her -I got 5 great years with her before she passed way. reach out to your daughter and hold her never letting go again- believe me when she found you she felt hole again.
If you want e-mail me and I will talk to you more on this
2006-09-17 15:38:12 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋