We found cigarettes in our 10th grade daughters backpack. What do we do?

Question

We just found cigarettes in our 15 year olds back pack. (We were not snooping, she asked us to help her fix a zipper on the bag). She said she started smoking when she visited her mother this summer. How do we deal with this? We have always trusted her and given her a lot of freedom, but now this trust has been violated. I want to give her a home drug test to make sure this is all she is doing. What adivce can you offer.

I think a lot of our frustration is that she KNOWS how bad smoking is. She has been watching her grandfather battle lung cancer for the past 3 years. She has seen how hard it was for her gradfather, father, uncle, and aunt stop smoking (when we got the cancer diagnosi).

Yes, I am the step-mom. Her mother lives in another state. We have full custody because her mom is not responsible enough to parent. Her mom is an alcoholic. Her mother smokes. Her mother is currently married to a drug addict. I am sure our daughter is telling us the truth about starting to smoke at her mom's house. Her mom is not the type of person to act mature or responsible. Her mother probably knows and doesn't care (nor would she see any need to tell us). Her mother flew a boy out to visit this summer that we did not allow our daughter to date here because he dropped out of high school and had drug and alcohol issues. She said she felt left out when her mom and boyfriend were smoking so that's when she started.

TO "TERI M": Yes, I am the step-mom, BUT I am the ONLY one who is mothering this child. I said "WE" found the cigarettes which means her father AND I are dealing with this. Since I am raising this child and her mother is NOT in the picture except for a 4 week visit in the summer, then I do think it is my business. Her mother doesn't even call to check on her or find out about her school work or anything else about her own daughter. (she's a dead beat mom too -- we can't even get child support.) Don't get angry with me that I am taking care and raising a child whose birth mother is an irresponsible alcoholic. And she CAN'T choose to live with her mom -- the courts would NOT allow it. Her mom would have to get sober and get her life in order before a judge would even let have more visitation. If you have issues with step parents maybe you need couseling. Some of us are actually PARENTING.

We talked with our daughter's mother and she doesn't think the 15 year old should be smoking!!! This is good news, this is the most mature thing her mother has ever thought or said.

Answer 1

Yes, the trust has been violated, and I would not say to ignore it, but consider this: When confronted she admitted she was smoking and even told you when she started. As a mother I can guarantee that most teens when faced with this would say they are not mine, a friend put them there.(By the way , I didn't buy that either)

I admire your stand against tobacco, so many parents have told me as a parent who stands against tobacco to be glad it wasn't worse, which completely undermines my values. But you have a 15 year old child who is evidently dealing with a double set of standards, yours and those of her mother,

She has broken your trust, but she didn't go to great extremes to hide them. Insisting on a home drug test could make her feel that she couldn't share with you. Tobacco is not a gateway drug in itself. I am a mother of 4 children who were all teenagers at the same time. Due to a drowning accident, my husband died leaving me a single Mom of 3 teens and an 11 yr. old. Now my children are 17,19,21,and22. I tell you this to tell you I have had to deal with a variety of teen problems at one time or another. May I give you a few ideas that helped me keep my sanity:

When something upsets you so much, give yourself time so that you don't say or do something based more on the emotion of the moment than in reason. My children would sometimes be told "I am very mad, and you will be dealt with, but I have to have time to decide what I am going to do." They knew that was not the end of it, and I had time to put things in proper context.

Just because they have betrayed your trust in one area, doesn't mean they have betrayed your trust in all things. Kids need us to trust them, but we should not have a blind trust. I have often overheard my kids talking with their friends, and their friends have said (not knowing I could hear from the other room) "I have never done that, but Mom or Dad think I do, so I might as well." Sadly, too many times I have seen them slip into that behavior. (Especially relting to sex and drugs) Unless there are other reasons you suspect drug use(research the signs of drug use in teens) then by all means SKIP THE DRUG TEST!

May I suggest having her read the effects tobacco has on your health, your local health department should have information written for teens, and if possible make her visit and talk to people who are suffering from diseases contracted from smoking, such as heart disease, emphysemia, lung or throat cancer. If you do not know anyone, ask friends and coworkers. If that does not help, contact a nursing home and ask them if they have anyone there with these conditions who yur daughter can visit. Because of privacy laws, they cannot give you names, but if you leave your name and number they could ask patients if they would be willing to share with you and then you could be contacted after the patients have agreed. You can tell them all day, but when you see someone who is on oxygen and and can't complete a sentence without gasping for air, it puts a face on the disease. My Dad suffered from emphysemia and died my Sr. year in high school, and it took all my desire to smoke.

Realize when you remove the cigarettes, she will have withdrawals, and will find herself very irritable and somewhat overwhelmed. She will need your support through this.

Last, but not least, TALK TO THE MOTHER! You should be assured that when she goes back to her mothers the smoking will not be accepted. If her mother smokes, then she should lock her cigarettes up if she can't refrain during the visit.

Please ,while you are dealing with this, focus on the positives in your daughters life. She may feel like a failure and may be worried if she will ever regain your trust. Let her know that yu will not tolerate tobacco use, but it is the tobacco you dislike so much, that you still love her.

When you take her freedom, give a clear cut plan on what she will have to do to gain your trust and each freedom back. Don't make her think you will never trust her again.

Answer 2

Please don't anything you mentioned! She is 15 and obviously dealing with a splint family. OK...she smoked! I went through this with a daughter I raised as a single parent. She didn't maim or kill anyone! You and her Dad can talk until you are blue in the face...."ain't" going to change a thing. You can put any name on it you want to....acting out, rebelling or whatever. She is still a child. You put on the tough act with her -- like DRUG TESTING -- you are asking for something that will harm the entire family. And she may decide she wants to live with mom full time. At her age she is free to choose where she lives. What ever you do don't over react!! Trust is a two way street. Can she Now get support from you and Dad?

Answer 3

This is a tough one. Being a very protective mom now and having been a teen who started smoking at 15 (bad mistake) I want to try to give the best advice possible.
First of all, most teens will try smoking, but she is now buying cigarettes and that is concerning because it is becoming a habit. If you confront her in a hostile way I know from personal experience that it will fuel her to smoke more. Instead, I would take her aside and talk to her.
She is trying to act "grown up" by smoking. Let her know that you respect her wanting to be independant but as her parents you have a responsibility to protect her health.
You say you give her alot of freedom. Tell her that you want to be able to trust her, but if you find that she is violating your trust you will have to pull back how much freedom she has.
Freedom and trust is earned. Perhaps she is going through some emotional issues as well. A counsellor would not be a bad idea.
Does she have a job? A hobby? An extracurricular activity that makes her happy? Perhaps letting her know she needs to earn back trust by taking part in a healthy and responsible activity will help her to make good choices, meet some others from non smoking crowds and feel good about herself.

Answer 4

Judging from your post you must be a step-parent. If this is the case then you are in a very tricky situation. The biological mother needs to reinforce your discipline, not undermine it. If you can talk to the mother and see if she has any ideas that would be a good thing. Also, I think most states outlaw smoking by minors so you could possibly get some kind of juvenile authority involved in this if you really wanted to. Short of that you really can't MAKE a teenager do anything. If she wants to smoke, she will. Sorry, but that's usually how it goes.

Answer 5

Let her see what will happen to her if she continues to smoke.There are a lot of websites with pictures and so forth the more graphic the better if she wants to be an adult then treat her like one Also I think something should be done to the mother also where I live 15 is still under age to buy cigarettes so someone is buying theme for her.I started at 13 and at 29 I finally was able to quite for the sake of my kids.Good luck.

Answer 6

Whats bad is that you said she started when she visited her mother. (did her mother know and not tell the father?) Right there is a bad sign of communication, which is where I would start with her.

Communicate, the bad effects of smoking, how harmful it is, that it can cause cancer and kill you. Then you have to, as a parent, lay down the law and not allow this while she lives under your roof. If she wants to start when she lives on her own, then thats up to her, but under your parenting, you have to be tough with the kids in certain areas, and this is one of them!

oh yeah, keep communicating with her at all times too! this is critical!

Good luck!

Answer 7

Take her to the doc and let them explain all the harms of smoking. You could even take her to a nursing home and let her see the older people that have been smoking for years. Kids need to see things, not just talked too!
I don't know about going as far as a drug test. Thats a completely different line of trust!!!

Answer 8

www.thetruth.com

This site puts it in a way that younger kids could understand, about the effects of smokeing. the fact that they put rat poison and that they kill 1200 peopla A DAY was mor ethan enough reason for me not to smoke. besides the smell makes me sick anyway

go to that site and gather the facts, both about the product and the company that makes them. if she doesnt believe you show her the site.

she needs to understand that it doesnt make you look cool and it takes years off your life.

also, I would go ahead and home drug test...you never know. explain to her that you are worried and you want to make sure that she isnt doing more. and that it's better than you catch it and help her then the cops catching her and she goes to juvy

catch it before it becomes a big problem and addiction. you are doing the right thing!

*****you know they change that site a lot. it doesnt have as much as it used to...however i would still research the affects.

Answer 9

Unfortunately, if you are going to become a smoker, that is the age of when most people start, and become addicted. There are a lot of quit smoking resources, but you have to want to quit, to do so. There is no good to come of smoking. Be clear with her about that, but when you are a teenager, the last thing you think about is tomorrow. Unfortunate, but true. And also, unfortunately, if she is smoking, she is already addicted. You can bet on that. That's when it gets you. Research all you can on the topic, online, and try and inform her. There will be no good to come from smoking. She isn't alone though, but, she will have to want to quit.

Answer 10

Well, don't do all that yelling and stuff, that might close her up from talking to you. Approach her by calmly talking to her about why she has made such a decision like this.....then come with the hard core facts (go do your research on the effects of smoking and your health, and let her know that smoking is unacceptable) and unfortunately if you smoke, then you really can't do much about it to deter her from it. (Monkey see, monkey do....practice what u preach)

Oh and another thing, whether u punish her or not, if she REALLY wants to do it, believe me it will be done......

Best of luck to ya!