Am I the cow who gave the milk for free and now - no buyer..?

Question

Hi, I feel so stupid - Have been with my partner for 13yrs, engaged 8. Have been through all the ups and downs that are normal and yet he will not marry me. We just had 6weeks apart (he traveled) and he told me everything I wanted to hear (its time we concentrated on us, it's time to get married) and yet now he's home - he won't give any firm answers on our future - I'v asked 4 times about his idea of how to get married since his return "I dont know" is the answer. I've hinted at a child arriving next year - the answer "oh but there's something on in December" I feel like I'm being played and should just walk away. I know he loves me and I love him but I feel more and more resentment each time I look at him because I feel he built me up to believe we'd take a step forwards upon his return and yet we've now gone even further backwards... Any advice appreciated.

Answer 1

Typically engagements are 6 months long, with a maximum of 12 months.

You two have serious commitment issues. You both have had them for quite some time. If I had to speculate, you both are from divorced families, and the divorce took place between the ages of 10 and 13.

Now it seems like your commitment issue is you want one.

His commitment issue is still the same: he does not want one.

So you either have to stick it out till he gets over his commitment issue,

OR

You move on in life without him and count the past 13 years as a VERY LONG LESSON IN LIFE.

By the way, tricking him by telling him you are pregnant, or getting pregnant while maintaining you are still on birth control, would be a serious misuse of your ability to reproduce. Please do not create a child in order to exert leverage on your eternal fiance.

Answer 2

I gotta tell ya, you sound like the cow. 13 is more patience than a lot of women have, and if he keeps hedging when you ask the question, then I think it's time to make him understand how important getting married to the man you have made such a committment to really is. And if he is unwilling to make it important to him, if for no other reason than it is important to you, than it's time to cut your losses. I know that sounds cold, but it is not meant to be. Unless he has a valid reason - not an excuse - for wanting to deny you something that means a lot to you, then however much he may love you, he does not deserve you. You keep giving him all this love, and he is making you feel resentment. Does that sound right? While I would never advise an ultimatum, how about a deadline? Give him some time to consider whether he is truly willing to make the commitment to the world that you have for the last 13 years, and if he still hesitates, then you have your answer. But give him a definite time frame, and make him understand you want an answer either way. Your life has to keep moving, and right now it's on hold while he dances around this issue. You deserve to know where you stand with him.

Answer 3

Sounds like a major committement is an issue for him...I would feel resentful too. However, because you get married, it doesn't mean the relationship will last either. In this day an age people are too quick to give up easily. Love is a precious gift that not everyone has the ability to give or receive...so if you truly love this guy talk to him about how you are feeling and make sure he understands what it is that you want.. you might find it may not be the same thing...good luck!

Answer 4

Buy a few bridal magazines, and set a date. Ask him if the dat is OK. Have two more ready in case he rejects one. Decide on the place and time. Ask if he agrees.
This is one you're going to have to do ll the work on; sounds like he really doesn't care for the formalities, and whatever you decide will be alright with him.
Do him a favor though, hon. You've been in a 'common-law" relationship for 8 years; don't plan anything beyond a simple little ceremony, with family and one or two dear friends present. I just don't see him abiding a big wedding. Maybe just the j.p.

If he rejects any and all your planning, then , yes, you have been the cow, and given the milk away, free!

Ladies, take note; if your bf makes promises, have him do it legal-like!

Answer 5

Honey not to be mean but come on 13 years together engaged 8 and he hasn't married you it doesn't look promising of a wedding anytime soon with this man so if that is really important to you move on. However sounds to me like you are happy other then wanting the paper to legalize it so i don't know that i would walk away from someone i spent that many years with. Good Luck

Answer 6

Some times men want to take time to get they **** together whether it's get a better more secure job, get rid of the other girl, mooch off of you until they get theirselves ready to leave or nything else. Guys don't like it when you ask the same thing over & over so if i was you i would act like we ain't got engaged in our vocabulary. When you meet people introduce him as a friend. that way instead of you breaking down he'll break down. Tell him when he asked where you been say looking for an apartment like 2000 miles away. **** if he can leave so can you. i could see if he needed a year to plan but come on the %#@$ had 8! Baby you seem sweet move on. he probably got other kids and ****.

Answer 7

I hate to say this but I think that you should find yourself a new man. All these years and engaged too but no firm commitment. Sounds to me like he just wants to, pardon my choice of words, shut you up. Do you share all expenses? Do you share your finances and accounts? Do you own a house together where both of your names are on it? Do you trust him wholeheartedly? What does your heart and mind tell you? Sure you "love" him but does he love you back? If you think do and that is your first instinct to say so or you have to think about it then chances are no. Don't waste you time with someone who is willing to let you waste your life waiting for him to do nothing. You should give him the boot. Find someone who is willing to commit to you without you trying to fish for him. You become the bait for what you want. Find a man that sparks fly and is everything that you wanted and needed in a man. A man that isn't afraid to make a commitment and tell you and show you how all the love he has for you inside of him. Let him make you feel like he has so much love for you that it's ready to explode and ooze from every oraface of his body. That's what love is. Is this man that you are currently with willing to offer you everything...don't settle for anything less than what you want. Remember that life changes people and you have to find someone that you believe wholeheartedly that you can grow old with and still be in love with that same face and personality until the day you die. I found my man and we just celebrated our 10th anniversary. I hope that you find your "man of your dreams" as I did. Best wishes and take care.

Answer 8

You say that you know he loves you yet throughout your note you have pointed out several of his behaviours which say the opposite. Why let the resentment build...either you love him and will continue on with the status quo since a marriage will really make no difference for the two of you...or you don`t and you need to find someone who wants the same things in life as you...

Answer 9

13 yrs. ! and 8 engaged what the HELL? C'mon u know he holdin out since u let him get by this LONG!!! and a baby aint gone change him none wake up and put ur foot down or b prepared to b still Engaged in 5 more yrs or more! U can do bad by yourself

Answer 10

Is he divorced or has commitment issues?

Put a time limit on it and say either we get married by this date or I am going to leave and find some guy who will marry me and have kids....end of conversation.