How can I get my daughter to love me again?

Question

This is a serious question. If you joke about it, I will hunt you down and tear your heart out. Just kidding, but serious answers please.

My ex-wife and I are going through a "collaborative" divorce, also known as a "good" divorce. We are not just cordial, but genuinely friendly. (Ironic, since we were bitter enemies when we were married.) My problem is my 12-year old daughter. She blames me. She hates me. And worst, she thinks I hate her. I LOVE her and always will - unconditionally and no matter what. She is my firstborn child. I have sincerely apologized for hurting her through my faults (blunt, brutal honesty) and this divorce, but she remains very angry. Will it take years before she is nice to me again? Any other fathers or grown women who have gone through this? Thank you so much!

Answer 1

I don't mean to sound hard-hearted, but you should stop focusing on what you can get out of the relationship with your daughter (How can I GET MY DAUGHTER TO LOVE ME AGAIN?" How self centered is that?) and start focusing on what you can do to be a good dad to her. Obviously, being angry with you forever is not good for her either, but being angry at you for awhile is probably a good thing.

The only and best thing you can do is to be involved in her life as much as you can (and as much as she can tolerate.) and always be positive and encouraging. Make a point to find out about her activities, and show up for her athletic competitions, music performances, Girl Scout parent events, school meetings. Pay attention to what makes her more comfortable to be with you, and try to recreate those comfortable circumstances.

Good luck to you.

Answer 2

SO--you have two daughter's? The fifteen year old and another that is 12. First and for most, do not try buying their love. That doesn't work. My 13 year old granddaughter is going through the same thing right now and she is angry because she is old enough to understand that things are hard for her mother because her dad isn't sending the support he has been ordered to. That may be you it may not. Also never bad mouth their mother when they can hear. Don't ask the girls when they are with you what's going on at home with their mother. You need to let them know that no matter what happen between you and their mother that they are loved unconditionally by both of you. You can divorce your wife, you can't divorce your kids. As for the dog, I'd say when you have your visitation with the girls, the dog comes with them. Seek counseling if necessary. My heart aches for your daughters. Children don't ask to be brought into this world, but they are the first to suffer when the parents screw up.

Answer 3

I read a lot of the answers before I decided to put in my two cents here. My suggestion isn't the hardest, but it isn't the easiest, either. The people who told you that your daughter had her world "ripped apart" were right. However, the ones who suggest that you take her out to exciting places, spend lots of money and "give her anything" are blowing smoke.

She is still a child. She still needs a parent, not a friend. So, except for Dad being a happier, less stressed person, you should remain pretty much the same and keep reassuring her that you are there for her (and be there physically as much as visitation allows), do not allow her to skip her visits because she resents you right now. Just as in training a dog, you need to train your child by "beginning as you mean to go on."

The worst thing you can do to her now is bow out of her life, give her substitutes for you (toys, clothes, cards, etc.), or other easy answers. You should talk with her at least twice a week. Do not let her mom get away with not putting her on the phone to you when you call. It will be the easiest thing for her to do when your daughter "doesn't want to talk." But it will give a child power in a parent/child relationship. This won't work.

I hope you understand where I'm headed here, and I wish you lots of patience and I'm already praying for all of you...

Answer 4

I'm so sorry, this must be incredibly hard on you and your daughter. First of all, I'd think that your ex-wife would have talked to her about this and told her that the divorce is mutual, that there is no fault, just that neither was happy living together. Maybe talking to your ex about the way your daughter is feeling, she might be able to smooth things out. You also want to spend quality time with her, tell her your feelings and the pain you're going through not being "home" with her and your other kids. Let her know that the divorce wasn't anything SHE did, as kids feel like they may have caused the divorce. Just love her, hold her, and talk to her...she'll come to for you. Best of luck to you and hugs (I think you really need it).

Answer 5

Divorce is a terrible thing to go through whether its a "friendly" one or not. Some kids blame themselves for their parents divorce. She is going to be angry, very angry that the life as she knew it is gone. Give her all the attention you possibly can. Keep talking to her. She may need some counselling to help her through this very rough time in her life. I cant say how long it will take for her not to be angry. That depends on her. Just let her know how much you love her every day. Do little things that shows her how much you love her and if you havent already, do let her know that this is in no way her fault. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 6

I am sitting with tears in my eyes while reading your question. You have a very difficult time ahead of you. Whatever you do , do not push your daughter away. Do not take it for granted that your daughter blames and hates you. It is more difficult for her to accept what is happening and she must be a very confused girl at this stage. As you and your wife are going through a "good" divorce it might be a good idea to get her to speak to your daughter and explain things to her. Be very patient with your daughter no matter what.

Why, seeing that you and your wife is on such a good foot now can you not try and save your marriage rather than getting a divorce. Imagine that.

Good luck and God bless.

Answer 7

I doubt that she has stopped loving you, but is probably pretty pissed at you for leaving, and not working it out. Don't try to buy her affection, which is a common mistake that the non- custodial parent usually makes. Stop pleading and begging for forgiveness if you want her to respect you. Kids of a divorce always need to have someone to blame. They even blame themselves. Hopefully the ex is not putting you down behind your back, to your daughter, trying to influence your daughters' feelings toward you. Eventually your daughter will see through it if she loves you, and you prove the ex wrong! Generally, daughters really love their dads, but get angry at him, because they feel he is abandoning them when a divorce happens, and he is the one that is gone. It will take a while for her to deal with it. Many daughters turn out being like their dad, or wind up marrying a man like him, regardless of whether he was a good or bad influence in her life. So, you have your work cut out for you. You still have time to shape her character especially with her dealing with the opposite sex. Don't screw it up!
Keep in contact with her, and spend as much quality time as you can with her. Stay interested in her interests, such as school and how she is progressing, etc. Don't get into any "pissing contest" about who was at fault for the divorce. Don't try to manipulate her affection by putting the ex down, even if the ex does that to you. Do some things with her that you didn't get to do before, when you lived together as a family. Become creative! Females in particular grow up with self esteem issues, and divorce is a big factor of this problem.Your time with her may be limited for now, so use it constructively. Always let her know that you love her and show her genuine affection.

Answer 8

typically the children go thru phases when parents split you say she hates you cause you were brutally honest and you probably said some things that didnt make her"mom" look to good either so you should expect some resentment and anger issues there as far as she goes shes 12 and got her world rippped apart it will take her time to heal and it shouldnt make a difference how you and wife split she she help shoulder the burden of make sure the kids know it wasnt thier fault and they are still loved and cared about by both parents equally if you and your ex are cordial to each other this is a dilemma that will affedt both of you unless mom is basically confirming what she thinks then youll have a hard load to tow there

Answer 9

My parents have been divorced since i was 7, my dad raised me. I knew where my mom was after the divorce. i was very bitter towards her in the couple time we have made contact. we today still do not talk. i am now 33. there is a different bond between a father and daughter. I am assuming that the ex has custody and you moved out. over time when she comes to visitation, she will come around. dont force conversations upon her, but listen when she talks. think of fun and exciting things to do when she visits. it will help with rebonding and anger may go away. kids always realize what happened when they get older. dont try to lie to cover things, it will come back to haunt. good luck

Answer 10

OK Well I am not a mother but I'm the Child Of a Divorce! I blamed My Father to to a Child its not both the Parents fault its the one that left Give her time Invite her Over Make sure you See her and talk to her the way u Did b4 the Divorce! she will come around! I did but it took a while

Hopefully this will help coming from the Child Perspective