Saul knew that before long he was going to have to move from the seat. He had been sitting there for close to an hour, his gaze alternating between the dusty grandmother clock on the wall, and the fresh corpse lying on the floor at his feet. His loose grip on the steak knife was a perfect -------* to his even looser grip on reality.
He knew he would have to move soon, but just not yet; for once he moved, the whole chain of inevitable consequences stemming from his actions would fall into play. The longer he sat there, the longer he held it off.
(that last sentence is a bit clumsy, but I'll fix it in the rewrite)
* I couldn't find the right word here.
2006-09-17 10:18:01 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
I always click on the questions that ask...what do you think of my story,poem,etc. And just as quickly hit the back button because most of the would-be writers on this site need to look elsewhere for work. I am happy to say you are an exception. Not only did I read the entire excerpt,but wanted more. You can actually write. Of course it isn't perfect but your talent came through loud and clear. I don't know your age or the amount of writing experience you have but I think you definitely have something worth pursuing. Start taking classes in creative writing and writer's workshops. Don't waste your gift.
2006-09-17 10:34:39 · answer #1 · answered by jidwg 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋
MAYBE:
Saul's loose grip on the steak knife was paradoxical to his even looser grip on reality. The fresh corpse lying on the floor at his feet, inconsistent with the dusty grandmother clock on the wall...
Start out with a BANG! and then describe the room.
2006-09-17 17:34:42 · answer #2 · answered by princessofthegalaxy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's good, but I think that you should take out the line "His loose grip on the steak knife was a perfect -------* to his even looser grip on reality" it sounds kind of awkward, maybe if you re-word it it would sound a little better. It is a good contrast so don't change that. And I do agree that the last line needs to be worked on. That's all that I can see so far. Good luck on your book.
2006-09-17 17:44:41 · answer #3 · answered by Liz 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like it. Do you already know the events that led to the killing and the events that will unfold as a consequence of his actions? The tone here is that his reality break is progressive and his actions are unpremeditated. The steak knife as a murder weapon suggests this too. This could be a good book, just be sure to keep the promises made by the opening paragraph.
2006-09-17 17:52:53 · answer #4 · answered by » mickdotcom « 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Here's a bit: His loose grip on the steak knife was a perfect contrast (or counterpoint) to his LOOSENING grip on reality.
The longer he sat there, the longer he tamped down the real world.
Nice opening, hovering on the suspense, tottering on a thriller. If you keep up the pace after that while keeping that tension laced all throughout the narrative, you have a genre captured.
2006-09-17 17:26:15 · answer #5 · answered by Bummerang 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well the thing about the answer i think that it was hard to understand exatly whats going on first when i read it i though it was about a kid in the classroom then aas i read on i discovered that it was about a murder what i would do is say it more like this he looked around and knew it was time to flie the steak knife clutch in his and the corps on the ground. he was soon going to be driven to insanity but first he had to leave somewhere far were he cant be found. see if you put a sentence like that i will hookk in you reader to the point they wont want to put the book down
2006-09-17 17:26:36 · answer #6 · answered by truth is me 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it's a good start but a bit weak. What kind of book are you writing? You need to have a good hook that you hook the readers from page one to the last page, especially for prospective agents and book publishers, who might want to read your manuscript after the query or book proposal. Give the opening some action, some suspense, some conflicts, etc.
2006-09-17 17:20:43 · answer #7 · answered by Kristen H 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My Old Lady Would Luv It,Sounds Right Up The Morbid Alley She Luvs..Finish It An Ask The Publishers
2006-09-17 17:28:45 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
i love it! it makes me think that the tone of the book will be detatched, ludicrous. in a good way. i mean, in the first sentence we know he killed someone, and that its almost like he has more important things on his mind. i think this has amazing potential to offer insight into the mind of a unique and original character.
a popular 20th century concept in writting is called literature of the absurd. such writters as franz kafka and kurt vonnegut. kafka's metamorphasis opens non-challantly informing its reader, "Gregor Samsa awoke one morning to find himself transformed into a giant cock roach."
i really like how your words, and it seems like the mind of the protagonist, seem to go back and forth between external and internal, real and surreal, concrete, and insane.
oh, and i don't know if it would work, but could you play around with the word allogory in the empty space?
2006-09-17 19:06:07 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
missing word: simulacrum?
not a bad start, and i agree about the last sentence. however, i wouldn't get too fixed on the beginning. any good book will be rewritten over and again before being published. make sure you can write the rest of it first
2006-09-17 17:22:16 · answer #10 · answered by Boring 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋