how do i deal with my ex and his wife?

Question

Ok, I was with a man for 4yrs. we have a babyboy together and after i had our son, he met someone else and kicked the 2 of us out. he married her after they were together for 7 months and now they are going to have a little girl. after we split up i met someone else and got pregnant, i love both of my kids more than anything, but his wife continues to tell people that i hate my 2nd child, because he doesn't belong to my ex. i still love my ex, only because we have our son together. i know he still loves me, he's told her that he regrets leaving me for her. i don't want him back, i put up with too much crap from him( lying, cheating, and not working). how do i make them, more her, realize that all i want is for my son to know who is dad is? and how do i tell them that they need to correct our son when he calls her momma, he's only 19 months, he knows the difference but he doesn't get corrected. can someone help me out with this?

Answer 1

Hiya

You sound like you are having quite a hard time at the moment. There are lots of power struggles going on and lots of stress which is not good for you, your kids, your new relationship or relations with your old one.

I think you have to try and rise above lots of the he said she said business. I think maybe you are trying to pretend you are not angry at your ex for kicking you out and being an *** and so are becoming incredibly angry at his new partner. This is a very common trait in women - we would rather think our partner has gone insane rather than except that he cheated on us and has left us.

You sound like you have a lovely nice new partner who you have a baby with. Your ex new partner is clearly insecure at the moment that is why she is talking about you. Ignore what she says and don't rise to any rumours you hear she has said about you. When these get no reaction she will stop. You can show people that you don't hate your new baby by simpy being a good mum.

You can't control what your son calls his step mum and to be honest it doesn;t matter, He will love you as his mum because you are a good woman. My boyfriend refers to his step mum and mum as mum when he talks about them - but his real mum is still that - they spend the time together. Don't get too hung up on a name - it doesn't change you and your children's special relationship.

Try to maintain an adult relationship with your old partner and ex. If it helps use your or his grand parents or mutual friends as a drop off point for the kids until things calm down.

Also don't badmouth the girlfriend to your kids. Try not to make a tense atmosphere - it will help the kids later.

I know you are getting very stressed about things that would make me very anxious. It will help to accept that there are some things that we cannot control - such as difficult insecure new girlfriends. What we can control is that you can show your kid that you are a strong mature woman who behaves with dignity. This will make him love you more. Your children will see through any cheap mind games other people play soon enough.

Concentrate on your own life and your new family. Don't worry what he calls the other woman - mum - her name - or wicked stepmother!
Your kids will love you for you.

Answer 2

Being in a spot like that can not only be upsetting but maddening as well. Your ex husband's wife has got a few mental issues to deal with. It is obvious that she is jealous of you and will use the things that will hurt you most. Your ex is just as responsible...more so because he is the father of your son, and should respect the fact that you're the child's mother. Your husband's wife is saying and doing things because she is trying to get a rise out of you, and get people to dislike you. Whatever you do, don't lower yourself to her standards. Let her talk all she wants. The people that know you know what kind of person you really are, and how much you love both your children. She is the one that has problems and issues to deal with and people will see that. As far as them not respecting your wishes about correcting your son when he calls her momma, stand firm on your decision but don't let them get the better of you. Let them know that he has 1 mother, and that it's you. Have your partner stand beside you when you talk to them. It will show them that you are not alone and you mean business. They should respect your wishes. You may have no control about what she says and does behind your back, but find out what your legal rights are as a parent. For instance...Does she harrass you on a continnuing basis? Does your ex pay for child support? If so, is he late or has he missed some payments? Having some ammunition on your side might help them to shape up a little? Your other alternative is to completely ignore them and have as little to do with them as possible. Just remember she will use whatever she can to hurt you because of her pettiness. People like that in my books are not worth the breath we breathe. Anyways, I do wish you the best of luck whichever way you decide to go.

Answer 3

First of all sweety, pick your battles. She is his step mom so come up with another word...maybe just MOM, instead of momma for him to call her. You can correct it as he gets older, but he isn't wrong here...it just pisses us off. Don't worry about the insecure wife saying you love child number two different....its none of her business and your son will know the truth as he gets older anyway. You don't care what she thinks so ignore it, it only has power if you give it power....so take control and wipe it out of your mind.