should we illegalize bread?

Question

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.

7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.

8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, it has been proposed that the following bread restrictions be made:

1. No sale of bread to minors.

2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.

3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.

4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.

5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

Answer 1

we should illegalize stupidity

Answer 2

This is horrifying.I had no idea of the damage bread could cause. When I leave work I am going home and killing all my bread.Im going to stick it down the garbage disposal so it knows pain like it has caused.Its clear from this bread is the enemy and must be stopped.We should ammend the constitution immediately so that it never hurts another person again

Answer 3

I'm an adherent of natural medicine.
In your case I'd prescribe sticking your fingers into a bucket of iced water until the itch vanishes and you can leave you keyboard alone.
Get well soon.

Answer 4

You make a convincing case. Let's abolish the wretched substance! Our motto will be "better dead than eating bread."

Answer 5

Someone really needs to get out more often... I think we have more important stuff to illegalize than bread consumption.

Answer 6

Send that to Bush.
He will be able convince us that bread is an WMD.
I dont think thats stupidity.
Its thinking :)

Answer 7

Do you work for the American Congress as a senator?

Answer 8

it took me years to cut my bread habit, i have to admit i still have to take a hit of grain sometimes but im off the white stuff

Answer 9

You should try a slice. Not too much to start and see how you get on. Then a few more slices. It will do you good.

Answer 10

This is obviously humor, and quite funny at that. It almost convinces me to "Just Say No to Toast" haha, jk ;-)

Answer 11

Jesus ate bread and he wasnt bad!

Evil comes from within, not from baked goods.