My wife has moved out to be with her mum following the death of her father. Where do I stand, have I lost her?

Question

Following the death of my wife's father, she moved out of the house and has now removed her wedding ring. She said I can't understand how she feels because my father is still alive. She said she wanted to sort her head out but should that involve going out on the town and removing her wedding ring? She has totally excluded me from her life and I only see her when she collects our daughter and I'm finding it harded to speak to her with out getting angry or upset.
Where do I stand, have I lost her? Should I wait for her to sort herself out or should I move on and accept its over?

Some great answers, thanks.
The relationship was not the best, although, I can only say that now that this has happened. I was happy, so was/is my child but it looks like she was not. We had a big argument about 10 months agow about her friendship with a man we both knew and perhaps we have not been right since.
I find it hard to understand she needs time but not with me. I love her and wanted to be there for her but she has just taken the P.... out of me. I don't know how long I can wait becase it hurts so bad. I need to put barriers up for protection although that will make it harder for me to acept her if (and I do mean if) she comes back home. How can I trust her when she does not have her wedding ring on?

Answer 1

You need to have some time with her on her own. It sounds to me like she is the one bringing down barriers, and this could be the shock of losing her Father and thinking that it is possible that anything can happen. She would be aware that her behaviour would make you feel like this and that is why she is doing it. If she didn't want it to get back to you then it wouldn't have. Make her aware that you love her, but you need to know where you stand, that you want to be with her, but she is quickly losing you due to her behaviour. Be open and honest.

As for you not understanding, she is right you probably can't understand, but she is not helping by not communicating with you. It is not your fault that your father is still alive and she can't throw that back in your face, it is unfair and irrational, and she probably knows it. Ask her what she wants from you, and tell her that it is a make or break question. She is messing you and your daughter around and she needs a push in the right direction to sort herself out and I am afraid you are the one that has to do it!

Answer 2

She is grieving and grief effects us all in different ways. She probably feels solace being in the place she was brought up in.
At this moment in time just be their for her and give her time.

I am sure that she has not moved out permanently.However, you must be feeling bewildered and unhappy. All you can do is get on with your life and see how things go over the next few weeks.

Daughters often go to pieces when their Father dies. I know I did and no one could understand how I felt. I just wanted someone to hold me tight and love me tenderly.

I hope things work out but hang in there for your Daughters sake and your own.

Bye for now xx

Having read your additional details, I can now see that your wife is hiding her guilt behind the grief for her father. It seems to me that she has made her mind up to leave you and you now need to confront her whether she likes it or not. Not only do you need to move on but for your Daughters sake, the matter needs to be resolved now.

Your Daughter will have lived under this shadow of deceit and mistrust for long enough by the sound of it. And I think that you and your wife both need to give her back some faith in human nature.

All the best to you.

Answer 3

I think she is using her fathers death as an excuse to leave you. She isn't 12 but is definitely acting like a child. I think you need some resolution one way or the other. You are going to have to put your foot down sooner or later. Tell her that you are sorry her father died but that millions of people survive it and get on with their lives and if she can't or won't she needs some therapy and that she is your wife and belongs at home....give her an ultimatum...generally I think they are horrible but something needs to happen here so that you can either get on with your life or get on with your marriage. When my mother passed away after a long, exhausting illness I went to bed, stayed there for 3 days, if my hubby hadn't come in and said get up we are taking the kids to get a Christmas tree I might still be there. I didn't participate much, but I did get up. He gave me some time but then made it clear that I had kids and a life to live, it may have irked me at the time but thank goodness he did it. Maybe you need to do the same thing with her.

Answer 4

Its hard to comment without knowing more about your relationship but personally, I would give your wife time to grieve the loss of her father. People react in different ways to grief and sometimes do things which are out of character. Its natural that she would want to support her mother through this tough time too if they are close. You don't say how long ago her father died but if it was recent (and it sounds like it might be) this is not the time to put more pressure on her or lose your temper.

Try talking calmly but if it isn't happening, maybe you could write her a card or note telling her you care and want to be there for her?

Answer 5

In your question you ask "where do I stand?" I really don't think you're her top priority right now. I tend to agree with her, you don't understand how she feels. You didn't ask anything about how you could help your wife get through such an incredibly difficult time. It's been said before that a gal will marry a man just like dear ol' dad. If that's true, she thinks of you as being dead to her. Why would she want to come back to someone that is "angry or upset" at her. I think you blew it.

Answer 6

listen babe all i will say is that is it often much easier to judge from the outside but we are not and have not been behind the walls of your life so we are not fully aware the the whole sp of what your life was lied with your ex.
Any who it will be easy for other to sit there and tell you this that and the other and maybe even what you want to hear but the fact of the matter is that you are the only one who will open your eyes and see the reality of everything and then be able to make the correct choice as to what it is you should be doing.
until then it is gonna be hard as you may be telling yourself things that is only good to help you ego at the time and not the hard down facts.
good luck babe and i wish you all the best as most importantly there are the offspring to think of.
XX

Answer 7

I really don't know how to answer your question I really don't know how you two have been getting along before the death of her father..If your marrisge was great then I'd say give her a little space maybe her mom really needs her right now..But if your marriage was in some trouble before the death of her dad then maybe this is a way out for her, now I'm only guessing you know your marriage so trust your heart on this ..Good Luck to you..

Answer 8

Her desire to be with her mother is not unusual. She has just lost her father and has probably realised that her remaining time with her mother is limited.

Her removal of the wedding ring is a little strange but everyone grieves in different ways.

Try to be patient with her and understanding of her need to be with her mother at the moment.

Unless you were having serious marital difficulties prior to her fathers death I expect that time will bring her back to you.

Please try to speak to her, if she tells you that you do not understand how she feels try to get her to open up and explain how she feels. Don't get angry with her that will only make matters worse.

Answer 9

Yes a death in the family is hard specially when it's one of your parents. But maybe she's just using that just a little to much to get out of the relationship. If my father past on and I moved in with my mom and still loved my family I wouldn't be going out on the town without my ring. I think she's just using it as an excuse.

Answer 10

You father-in-law is griefing the loss of his wife. Everyone greives different but he is wearing makeup and fake nails? There is something wrong there. Maybe he is doing something that he has always wanted to do but his wife wouldn't let him do it. And as for him not speaking to his daughter maybe he doesn't want her to judge him or she remindes him to much of his wife. Is she the only child? There is most definatley something else going on with your father-in-law just give hilm a little time and if this keeps up you and your wife go and talk to him find out whats going on.