I filed for divorce about a month ago. I had hoped it would nudge him into saving the marriage and I filed because I am drained and tired, and ready to really enjoy life. The thing is, we are still living in the same household. Which, at first I didn't mind so much, but I have recently told him if we are living as housemates then he needs to start doing his share of 50/50 for household stuff or give me the money. Also, I told him I am ready to get to the conclusion of our relationship. Since Itelling him about the divorce...he has more less been acting better but not enough for me to reconsider anything. So here's my questions:
1. What do you think is going on here?
2. Do you think I should show him the door? Or should I leave it alone until he gets served and see what he does then?
3. Am I sending mixed vibes?
4. I am not sure if he buying time, shocked, or simply unsure what to do?
Thanks,
K
2006-09-17 08:14:31 · 12 answers · asked by kaiynasha 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
K,
The answer is within yourself... It would be suspect if you truly followed the short answer of dumping or keeping your mate from someone on the internet. Please search within yourself and do some work to make this heart felt decision. Afterall, you and he made a committment to be married for better or worse. You should take the same amount of time to think about leaving the relationship that you put in when you decided to get married. With that said here are my recommendations and it's only a begining before you make your decision...
Sit down and make a list of all the things you can't accept in this relationship and the things you love about being with this person. No One you meet will be perfect; at first you will think so but over time everyones flaws become aparent. So, I suggest making that list. Then go over it again and again to assess if these are things you really can not accept? (abuse, physical and emotional, cheating, etc.)
Regarding the what he has done to make the relationship better by doing chores, etc., since you've filed for divorce. For god sakes you just filed divorce on him, he is on the fence as to whether his efforts are for someone who loves him or it's over. He is in limbo. I think he wants to know if your serious about working through this tough time or walking. Your words may say you want to work things out, however your actions filed divorce. You don't know what you want; why should you expect him to know what to do or say.
Your doing something negative (filing divorce) to try and get him to change in a positive manner. That's like punching someone in the face and expecting they will love you more and do what you want. It doesn't work that way.
If you want this relationship to work you need to roll up your sleeves and realize it will unfortunately take work on your part for a while until things turn around. You will need to show more love and positives to this person upon doing so, they will begin to turn around. I suggest reading a book called Divorce Busters; they have a web site as well... It takes time, committment, strengh, and communication, communication, communication.
You need to figure out what you want and communicate with him. Communication is no doubt a problem in this relationship. If you can't workout your problems together and end up fighting... And you want to save the relationship, seek counciling and let the counselor know you both want to work things out.
It is important to mention all relationships encounter problems, its getting though problems that make relationships stronger. Please don't point the finger at eachother as his or your fault. Sometimes and in most cases relationships one person does more work and is more committed to make things work. However, this changes back and forth. Be strong if you want this relationship and use positives to get what you want.
For example, make a nice romantic dinner together even though things are tough, make sure your cooking and doing dishes together. Make him open the wine, make the salad, easy stuff. Then a simple statments like, "thank you for helping with dinner and dishes..." "This evening was really nice..." "I love it when you help; I think it's sexy..." Give him a little peck... You get the idea.
Doing these things is hard work, but your relationship has been in a negative spiral for a long time and it will take time to dig out. After a time things will balance out and he will begin to do more for you and the relationship.
2006-09-17 09:32:44 · answer #1 · answered by Sparky 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sending mixed signals for sure. You are either in it for the long haul or done. You filed for the divorce to save your marriage? That is kind of backwards don't you think. If you are done he needs to go or the other way around. It will be impossible to live together as housemates through a divorce...but if you do want to save your marriage stop with the whole divorce threat and get down to the real problem and fix it.
2006-09-17 08:27:54 · answer #2 · answered by kikosgirl83 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
For whatever reason, he doesnt seem to believe you. Maybe you called his bluff before and never went thru with it. If you have filed for divorce leave things alone until he gets served and then watch out. Once served hes going to know you were telling the truth and then reality will set in. He may be thinking to himself what if she really did file, what do I do now, etc? Chances are hes going to come crawling like a baby trying to save your marriage with alot of promises. Then you must decide what youre going to do, go thru with it or cancel it, and hope he will change for the better. If you do cancel it and if youve done so in the past, he will never believe you again, But on the other hand hes about to find out that you are really tired and are really willing to do whatever it takes. Good luck
2006-09-17 08:58:35 · answer #3 · answered by Arthur W 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
1. Your still living together so he isn't worried
2.Yes, show him the door this is the only way he will take you seriously
3.yes, you are sending mixed vibes, I'll file for a divorce but you can live with me, which means he knows what you are doing, which means he isn't worried and the divorce is only a piece of paper, he still has you as long as he lives there and knows what you are and aren't doing.
4.He is living it up, he has the wife the house and he is on his way to being single.
Good luck
2006-09-17 08:24:35 · answer #4 · answered by angel 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Whats changed for him?? nothing, ur still there he's still there, he hasnt had to hit rock bottom because other then u filing for divorce nothings changed.. so why should he make a drastic change..right now its just a threat of whats to come not that its actually comming.. so i think u making a huge mistake, either u need to move out or he does, but he doesnt have to and u cant force him to.. so if u want to be apart u need to be the one out the door not him.. sorry but its his home too.. cant just pick and choose when someone "has" to leave their own home.. not even if their name isnt on the place.. So if u want out and u want him to see u mean business then unfortunatly ur the one that needs to leave other wise he can stay as long as he wants till the divorce is final..
2006-09-17 08:20:13 · answer #5 · answered by brwneyedgrl 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I believe your relationship is over and you need to show him the door.
Apparently, he doesn't really care. If he was loving and caring, he would've spoken to you about the action you took (filing for a divorce) and would have tried to work things out.
Anyone that stays silent about a situation and doesn't try to help fix the problem, isn't looking for a solution, therfor doesn't deserve you. It's not you sending mixed vibes, it's him not caring and wasting your time and also living off of you. You deserve better.
2006-09-17 08:23:40 · answer #6 · answered by ♪Msz. Nena♫ 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honey, what he is doing is getting away with as much as he can. You say your relationship is done, you are obviously not happy with it, you file for divorce....yet you let him stay in your house without even pulling his own weight...he's going to do that as long as you let him, there is no great mystery here, he is taking advantage of you because you are making it so easy for him to do so. YES show him the door, what are you waiting for? If you have to go so far as filing for divorce to try to get someone to pay attention to the relationship they just don't care, you shouldn't have to do that and its a clue that this relationship is going nowhere. Kick him out and get on with your life. Good luck.
2006-09-17 08:19:09 · answer #7 · answered by dappersmom 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
if you all ready filed for the divorce an you continue to let him live with you thats just sending him mixed feelings show him the door with his bags in hand or have them packed waiting on him show him you mean it but if your not sure what you really want remember the divorce is not legal till the judge signs the papers think to yourself do i really want a divorce orno think long an hard about it
2006-09-17 08:41:11 · answer #8 · answered by featherman_65018 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Have you tried counseling? I think if you love him and you want it to work, then support him, don't threaten. What if he says fine, get the divorce? Go to a counselor and talk to EACH OTHER. Make sure you see a good counselor and one that you are both comfortable with. Find the courage to fight for your marriage, because there is a reason you married in the first place. Good Luck.
2006-09-17 08:27:06 · answer #9 · answered by Mrs. Waiting 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My answer is based on personal and the experiences of others, group discussions, etc.. Does not matter if it is divorce, drinking, drug use, other women or some other issue. If you are having a problem dealing with it.
You are the one who has to answer this question, as you are the one who lives with him. But, don't make "threats" if you are not prepared to follow through. If you told him to move out, make him move out, If you have filed for divorce, give him a date to be out. If you want him to stay with certain behavior changes, you can tell him what you want, don't make him guess. If he does not make the changes, follow through with the consequences you set down. If you don't you are just reinforce his thoughts, that you won't do it. Every time we fail to follow through....... we just reinforce their unacceptable behavior.
2006-09-17 14:30:53 · answer #10 · answered by Joni 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋