He's lazy,drinks too much and I worry that my children have no proper role model. He came back from having a pint just now and was very rude and hurtful and I'm really miserable - what should I do? Every time I tell him to leave he comes back a day or 2 later and we carry on again, living a lie so I don't upset my children.
2006-09-17 04:33:24 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You may not like this answer but it is as honest as I can be. You cant tell your partner to go because you do not really want to and their are three possible reasons.
1: You still love him.
2: You are scared of being on your own
3: You do not want to upset your children.
He comes back because he know those three important facts so he goes for a couple of days to make you stew and then when he is back things are ok for a while until the next time. he uses the oldest trick in the book the scare factor he knows you are scared.
All is not lost you need to sit down and talk to him openly, honestly and very frankly about all the issues you are unhappy with. You need to also ask him what he is unhappy about he does not drink for nothing he may have problems of his own you know nothing about.
If you cant do this then you may need some help from your doctor who can arrange councelling for you at first and then hopefully together.
He is knocking not only your confidence, self esteem and self worth as a person by his rude and hurtful remarks he wants to control you by the sound of it. Only you can stand up to this man you know him better than any of us and you can do it if you truly want to.
You cant carry on living a lie and children are a lot more aware than you think and can see and hear what is going on under their nose. It is not only him giving them a bad role model I am afraid it is you too. They see you hurt, angry and very upset throw dad out and then have him back so what message are you sending to them. "It is ok to be treated like a doormat and his treatment is ok really" I think you should really think about the messages you are both sending and perhaps you may not have thought about your actions and what they are doing by having him back time and time again.That may put things in a diffrent light.
You are both upsetting the children and it needs addressing now before it is to late.
I think you both need to talk about the problems you have. If he will not then you go and see your doctor who can guide you to the help you need as you need to talk this through with someone so you can put things in perspective.
I hope what ever you do works out and I wish you luck.
2006-09-17 22:43:38 · answer #1 · answered by momof3 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sweetie, i am in the same boat as you, except there are no children involved, okay this is what i should do, and this is what i am telling you to do, i need to take my own advice, hope you can understand what i am trying to say.............you need to sit him down and tell him once and for all to leave, tell him he is making you very unhappy, and to go, its over, leave and don't come back.I sure hope you get more out of this conversation with your partner, than i did. Its horrible living like you are, i really know how you feel, i don't know the laws to the country you live, but here in New Zealand. If your bf, husband, partner comes home drunk, abusive, you can ask him 3 times to leave, if he doesn't then you can ring the police. which i have done on 2 occasions, but he still comes back mmm drives me nuts, so i hope that you can do something , so you can live in peace and happiness with your children...........good luck and god bless.
2006-09-20 03:41:49 · answer #2 · answered by donua1022 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its very difficult I am sure for you, but your right the father of your children should be a role model for the children, he shouldn't be rude, hurtful or make you miserable. You need to have an open and frank conversation with your husband and try to get him to see your point of view and how his action affect you and the children, if he dosen't listen to you, then get him to see a counsellor and try to work things through. Best of luck
2006-09-17 13:10:00 · answer #3 · answered by William T 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your children come first hun...ask them and I bet they would rather him gone especially if he is like that in front of them. How old are your children first of, if they are old enough to know what is going on tell them what you are about to do and why you are doing it. Or you are letting him back in cause you want him there and are making your kids an excuse on why you haven't booted him yet. You probably think he is going to change and he doesn't right? Well he isn't so the best thing to do is boot him...at least longer than 2 days...give it about 2 weeks...and see what happens.
2006-09-17 13:09:46 · answer #4 · answered by kikosgirl83 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
it will upset your children more seeing their mom feeling the way you do they can sense when your not happy which makes them upset so by living a lie ur still hurting your children if your really sure you want to end things with him ask him to leave but allow a relationship for him and the children but stick to your guns and dont allow him to get back with you theres only you who can make the desicion so do it if its what you want you can have a good life without a man you know
2006-09-17 11:50:59 · answer #5 · answered by bexieboo 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He's a weak one eh! Tell him you're off if he doesn't treat you with the respect you deserve. I am a lazy b'stard too & I treated my ex-girlfriend exactly the same way so I should know. I regret ever doing it but it was too late by the time she'd had enough of me. He needs to treat you like sh*te to make him feel important. What he doesn't realise is he's the weak one. .....Try telling him a story of a friend of yours that left her hubby coz he was a knob-head. Tell him how he was so sorry that he had treated her in a sh*tty way. Tell him the guy was left homeless and childless as the children didn't want to see him because he was so bad with them...... Your man may need some help from AA too!
2006-09-17 11:47:51 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Don't you think living a lie will upset your children even more?
Take it from a person who grew up with an alcoholic father. My mother was just like you. I want to save you from making the mistakes my parents made on me when I was young. They lived a lie and tried to pretend there was no alcoholism going on... supposedly, "for the kids." But what they did "for the kids" has only hurt me worse. I've seen my fathers alcoholic ways and my parents arguments, each one getting worse and worse. My father said hurtful words to my mother and it only got worse as my sisters and I got older because he began using his verbal abuse on us.
If you want your children to be happy then your best bet is to seperate from your partner until he agrees to see a counselor for his drinking problems and join AA.
If he refuses, he doesn't deserve your children or you to be in his life because he's picking the bottle over his family.
2006-09-17 11:43:02 · answer #7 · answered by ♪Msz. Nena♫ 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
well for starters i feel that you need to sit down with your partner to discuss this problem because it is not going to go away if you dont talk about it. i think that first you need to speak about his 'drinking problem'. you need to set types of rules which may reduce his drinking habits such as limit the times he goes out etc. secondly you mention he is lazy so i assume he doesnt have a job??? if no he will need to start looking and this could be helped if you assisted him in the process and take an interest in his life.another thing is if you ask him to leave you must stick to this and not allow him to come back cos he will just think that he can come and go as he feels and then you find yourself back to where you started. if this doesnt work, maybe you could speak to a councellor who will guide you through this problem. hope this kind of helped and dont let him see that your miserable :)
2006-09-17 11:41:18 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
you can not live your life like that, also its not fair on the children for their father to come and go like that they must be so confused, get rid of the lazy good for nothing once and for all, the children will get over it its better to live with one happy parent than two miserable ones, you are probably upsetting the children more by letting things carry on like this than if he left altogether good luck
2006-09-17 11:41:08 · answer #9 · answered by bluebell 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you feel your KIDS are gonna be hurt or anything get rid of him!!! If they are upset about their dad leaving when they reach a certain age to under stand what you did was the right thing to do to keep everyone safe.
YOUR KIDS ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT!!
If you finally have to kick him out and you don't want him back change the locks on doors and it may sound drastic but alert the authorities telling them you kicked him out and you don't want him back!!!
IF you still love him tell him about this when he is sober and try and fix his problem.
Hope i could help!!!
2006-09-17 11:41:35 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋