How to deal with an unfaithful wife?

Question

My wife has cheated on me in the past and even though she says that currently there is no one in her life - I read msgs on her cell phone that she sent/rcvd from another man - msgs that were of a romantic nature. Recently - about 4 months ago - she told me wanted a separation because she needed her 'freedom" , married life was not for her anymore and that her feelings for me had greatly diminshed - in addition to the fact that we are having lots of financial difficulties. We have a 5 1/2 year old son that we both love very much.

My wife told me that it would not bother her if I "hooked" up with another woman . But to be honest, I really have no desire to be with another woman other than my wife. Also, I would feel like Im cheating on my little son. I don't know why I feel this way. Just for the record I have never cheated on my wife since we got married over 6 1/2 years ago.

Answer 1

Sounds like there are more problems then just the cheating.
see a counselor to see if you can work things out before calling it quits

Answer 2

It seems you have two possibilities here, maybe three. One keep things as is with constant wondering. Least popular option. Two,
throw the lying, cheating Biitch to the curb. Probable option. Three, Give her the word. You are married and expect her to be married to stay together. Do not accept cheating as a way of life. Also do not cheat yourself so it relieves her guilt. She needs to understand that you will not put up with that behavior in the future and if she insists ,give her that separation she wants. Keep your son and teach him the right way to live. She is getting lost in the malaise of lust over love. You cannot combat that because the work required for every day living puts a necessary lid on the feelings she seeks. Sadly it seems you are at that crossroads where you need to stop being a doormat at the risk of losing her.
Yes you love her but your putting up with this is only reducing her respect for you. What little is left. Put a stop to it as a condition of staying in your house. Do it today. Take away the text, the computer, the phone, her free time, her going places without your knowledge etc. You need to become the controlling SOB which deserved her to be the cheat. Quit being the doormat.
She will either change her attitude or move out. Both solutions are more desireable than this.

Answer 3

Have you asked her about the msgs on the cell? You need to decide what is the best for you and your son. You also need remember that you and your wife are setting examples of how a marriage is suppose to be. The relationships that a child sees there parents in are what he used when he gets older. Not only the fact that maybe she really isn't really for the whole marriage thing and, if that is something that you can't live with, then you need to let her go so that she can find what she need and you can find what you need. Two people that love a child can work together and raise a great child even if they are not together as long as they put that child first.

Answer 4

When cheating is involved there is always an underlying reason that is not obvious on the top...and very few even know why its happening and will give any excuse they can think of as the reason...like freedom in this case? but from what? responsibility ? boredom? or something else...

How to deal with it depends on what you want to happen. If you want the marriage to continue then you need both parties to agree there is something worth saving. She at this time doesnt think so, so that means you will have to do some convincing that your relationship is worth every effort you both put into it to make it work.

Marriage is not a 50% 50% effort and committment needed to make it work....its a 100% 100% committment thats needed.

Your wife says she would be happy for you to have another woman..doesnt sound like you would you be happy in a 3 way relationship? Equally would you be happy in a 3 way relationship with another man in her life and keeping your marriage together?

If you dont fix things within yourselves now another relationship is unlikely to fix it either, however we are all individuals and I do know of a few that have a 3 way relationship MMF with the blessings of all 3 and have been that way happily for years.

This needs communication between the two of you and professional help from good counsellors and maybe some group therapy would be an advantage to steer you both in the right direction.

You have a child that needs a stable family environment to grow up well balanced, peaceful and happy within, and for that to happen its parents need to clear the gunk out thats accumulated over the years of their own upbringing and attitudes.

It is worth it to each of you personally to do this no matter what happens anyway and if after that you choose to continue your marriage you could have a very stable relationship full of love peace and happiness that can handle any crisis that comes up with a wisdom gratitude and care. Just my thoughts. Best wishes.

Answer 5

Hard question bud. Well I also have been the dealing with my wifes cheating issues. We have been together for 4 years and married for 2. She cheated on me 2 times that i know of and i am still with her cause she wants to be with me. Now this is how i feel about it, i have to ever day look her in the eye tell my self to trust her and to lover and that she wont do it again. We have a child so i understand fully.

Here is what i suggest, give your relationship every chance you would give your child. A broken home is not an easy place to grow up. Show her the man that she fell in love with and ask your self why did she fall for me.

In the end thou there is only one answer to make the pain end one day and the healing to start and that is a deivorce.

Answer 6

this is unhealthy for you you cant hold onto a burning rope just because your son is on the other side . you said it you both love your little boy so you shouldn't get any trouble from your wife in seeing him . Your wife is obviously a self absorbed woman to chase other men and not care if you know .
I need my freedom means I don't love you and want to be free of you 61/2 years is a long time invested in her but your young and can start over you deserve a loving partner and a good life .
If she cant provide that perhaps you need to think about her proposition and let her go .

Answer 7

This is a very sad situation that all too often happens to many but not all. It is commonly known as a 7 yr. itch. While that isn't a valid excuse there seems to be a transitional period. The fact that she is entertaining msgs of that nature only serves to cultivate her desire. She is taking you for granted and doesn't realize it yet. She wants you to be a partner in her "crime". Keep your integrity it may serve to give you custody of your son which is the primary concern. Don't seperate from her divorce her if she insists on this course. Believe me she will Regret it one day but she will have to find that out on her own. By then hopefully you will have established a solid relationship. Best Wishes!

Answer 8

You know sometimes it's after the fact, that we realize we have for some unknown reason, out grown a partner, or spouse, these things happen, but you must also ask yourself, have your behavior changed in any way to make your wife think differently about you...oh and the checking the cell phone, and reading her messages is not cool no matter how desperate you become...i guess the most important thing here is your little son who is innocent in all of this...you and your wife need to sit down and discuss where you go from here, if there's no way back for you, make sure that little boy knows this is not his fault, because that's the first thing children do is blame themselves, and both of you let him know this, and that no matter what happens you both love him very much...it's hard i know for you right now, but it will be even harder for your son...do everything in your power to protect him, he takes priority now...you have to face the fact she no longer loves you, if she is encouraging you to be with another woman, sorry she has lost love, and respect for you as her husband, be strong for yourself, but most of all for that little boy who still needs you. Goo Luck.

Answer 9

As there is no question about her cheating -she's all but admitted it when she told you that you should hook up...you should divorce and fight her for custody. She has no respect for the vows of marriage and no respect for you or the child. She vowed to love you in sickness and in health, good times and bad...and so on...She has clearly broken that vow -why would you want to stay with a woman who has no self-respect, who can't keep her word, has no morals, clearly doesn't love you or her family? If you are out of work - I suggest you get a Job. Financially...get everything out of your name. If the cell phones are in your name, keep yours...set all others to vacation and exclude your wife from the account. If she's going to use the cell phone as an infidelity tool than she should pay for it herself. Tighten the reigns...take away her credit cards and take control of the finances you do have. Start paying in cash and get hand receipts for everything. If you have to give her money for groceries...do it in the form of Grocery store gift cards and so on. She'll either get the idea that you're not playing anymore or she will find a way to pay for a divorce that doesn't come out of your pocket and you'll need to know she can't take everything. Good Luck To You.

Answer 10

I have an ex friend ho id the same to her husband. i feel for u. here is what you do. you do not deal with ur unfaithful wife, you leave her! I am sorry to say but she will never change and you will always have this problem as long as you are with her. as far as you hooking up with another women, you don't have to do that untill you are ready. the reason you feel like you are cheating on your son is because to you , you see your son as your family, which includes you wife, so by seeing another women you feel like u r cheating, that is a normal reaction. I think you should give your wife her freedom, as she takes it anyway. your money problems will get better as soon as you only have them to work on and not a marriage that you only want to work. I hope ou take this advice. there are women out there who love marriage and are faith-full. good luck to you.

Answer 11

You have moral and legal grounds for divorce. It is important that you gain legal custody of your son. Your wife really should not even have any visitation rights and should not be allowed with 5 miles of him, as far as I'm concerned.

However, the legal system has become very biased and is often in favor of WOMEN!

You could be deemed unfit by reason of gender alone and could lose custody to your sick wife. I would get a good attorney, though and proceed with divorce if that's the route you deem necessary.

Normally I would recommend continuing to try to make things work, but I don't know what else to tell you if your wife remains stubborn and unfaithful.