how can i tactfully tell my friend that her partner is looking for somewhere else to live?

Question

My friend of over 20 years is having problems with her relationship.
Her ex husband left her couple of years ago for her best friend and although i had an idea what he was playing at, i never told her til after he left cos she was blaming herself.
I helped her back on her feet and even found her the guy she's with now!
However, i've know for a few months that he's still going on dating sites saying that he's single and looking for someone. He even sent my workmate a message knowing that we work together!
I havent told my friend about this but agreed to try talking to her partner.
I spoke to him last night and he said that he cant cope with her mood swings and is looking for somewhere else to live but would still like to stay in a relationship with her.
She left the pub in a mood last night at about 10pm whilst he refused to go after her and was still there at 1am!
Seems to me that he's used her just for a roof over his head but she's been so desperate for a man in her life!

Answer 1

That's your friend's problem - being desperate! She needs to be happy with herself before she can be happy with any man. I learned that a long time ago.

I don't know if there IS a "tactful" way" to tell her about what you know.

Just be honest with her and most of all, "be there" for her after you tell her.

This man IS using her, no question. I don't know that I'd even believe that he really wants to stay with her. He's looking for an opt out. If this guy is still on dating sites, then he's not really wanting to be with her at all.

Sounds like she needs to find herself and take the time to evaluate what she's looking for in a relationship before she'll be content with anyone. Encourage her to get engaged in some activities that can open up her options, horizons.

This information will hurt her, but combined with the other advice I'm giving, maybe it will all help!

Good luck - I think you ARE a true friend and I don't envy you for being in this position.

Answer 2

Hi! You sound like a really good mate. However, I would suggest that you don't say anything at all to her or him. If you agree to be piggy in the middle you're neither on her side or his. I assume that you want to be in her corner anyway. Just be there for her when it all goes wrong. If she could see that this guy is simply just not interested, she should get rid, and starting putting herself out there. You just be there when she needs a shoulder to cry on. She'll really appreciate you when it's all blown over. Remember, there's plenty more fish in the sea and if she stops being desperate to have a man in her life (men can really pick up on the 'desperation' vibe) she'll be beating them away from the door! Best of luck.

Answer 3

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Answer 4

your friend needs to see a counsellor, especially if there's a pattern of guys leaving her (for some or other reason) and even you as her friend cannot openly reach out a helping hand without it getting bitten off. She is in danger of alienating herself from ANY form of help unless she gets to learn how to deal with herself, and if SHE doesnt learn how to deal with herself, I dont think anyone could ever attempt to without her first reaching a rock bottom point (such as complete isolation or breakdown of some sort). Her behaviour (by what you're saying) is putting a strain on ANY form of relationship she has, your friendship included. She needs to realize there's a problem but until then, she'll just keep going from one blunder to the next and never learn from "her mistakes". The guy she's with, whether he's using her or not, is a loser. If he can't communicate openly to her then they are destined to break up. One of the criteria for a successful relationship, or friendship, is good, open communication. This does not mean there arent disagreements. My youngest sister and I are bestest friends, but when we disagree, sparks fly, no one budges and then finally, when we make up, its the sweetest thing ever. I love her completely, but healthily enough to tell her EXACTLY whats on my mind, and vice versa. I even tell her, you're not gonna like this but...(if one says something truthful for the intention of hurting or belittling, then that in itself is wrong - the intentions with honesty should always be noble). now...you're gonna have to figure out a way to suggest to sit your friend down and start by telling her you love her...then tell her gently you have every reason to believe that her partner...

Answer 5

I wouldn't go into all the detail. I'd just tell her that he was on a housing site and had mentioned wanting to live alone. If she doesn't get the hint, you may need to bring up the real dirt but there's no point in hurting her any more than what can't be helped.

Answer 6

Seen as it seems to be history repeating itself, I would be inclined to tell her. She doesn't deserve nor need this and you could be an even better friend by not fixing her up with her next guy - allow her to spend some time by herself without a man in her life. When she's ready she will find a man herself I'm sure.

Answer 7

Would stay out of it... Although if you really want a way of her finding out, without having to tell her directly yourself, set up an anonymous e-mail address (and don't use your normal computer to prevent your IP address being disclosed) and include a link to his singles profile on the dating site. Devious perhaps, but that way she'll know what he's up to...

Answer 8

The best way as Im sure you know is not to get too involved. I know you just want to shake her to wake her up a little but its how she is. If you tell her it rests on your shoulders.

It's down to him to be the man and be upfront with her. Don't get him off the hook by telling her- he's gotta do it and take his responsibilties more seriously. If he wants to leav e it may be more an assurance that shes without an arsehole in her life but let him tell her and be there when she needs you..

Thats what true friends do

Answer 9

You have to tell her, just come out and say it. This guy is obviously no good so let her keep her pride by dumping him. She might find it easier to deal with if she finishes the relationship rather than someone else leaving her again.

Answer 10

As i see it...no matter how desperate she is for a man in her life,better of without this one.
I would tell her about how this guy really is....as time passes and she stays in this relationship....it would only get harder to get back on her feet,after this is finished.