Should I stay married or get a divorce.?

Question

We've been married for 21 years. This last anniversary, neither one of us remembered.We have 3 kids. The oldest will be going off to college next year. He's a Dr. and is personable and is very nice looking. I have survived a potential affair from his part and my breast cancer. I have been for the most part on my own for emotional support. He is a wonderful father, and provider but bad works hard and works many hours.I have had to hear for 15 years how he's the only bread winner.Now that I've entered the work force, he's putting my job down. I worked over time to the point of being burnt out while he went to medical school. And now that I have started working again, just after going through Chemo and Radiation, family and friends say that I look like I am glowing! It's because I love my job. He's anal about everything, obsessive compulsive,controlling and condesending. We are so different and I am totally turned off by him. I can't even kiss him anymore.But I can't hurt our kids.

Answer 1

You wont get a second time around remember that , and I dont think you want to leave this world with all the regrets of things you love and wanted to do ,your kids are old enough to handle things ,besides I think they will understand or will eventually its impossible that they haven't noticed the change in you and the joy that your job is giving you, you have given your best years to your family , and if your husband is so greedy to not understand your personal needs they he doesnt deserve you ,take a deep breath , take the step forward if you have thought it out , and follow your dream if this is what you want , no-one should can condem you for wanting to live and breath on your own, I personally wish you the very best ,

Answer 2

Whilst i perfectly realise and undstand u not wanting to hurt ur kids, u also have to realise that u cant live your life for your kids. The eldest is going to college soon and should be of some maturity to be honest, im not sure how old the other 2 are but im sure they are of some intelligence. As for your hubby, read ur question and see what he has done, he has let u deal with a cancer situation with little or no supprt. to be honest i think this bloke is a **** er, it doesnt matter what he looks like to how he is to the public, what counts is how is is as a husband ! he is even showing his colours now by driving down ur new job ! personally i take my hat off to you and u deserve hearty congratualtions, not only have u been thru chemo which is known to be very physially draining not to mention emotoinally but also u have had the balls to get up when u can and go find a job, im amazed at ur hubby considering his whining constantly for 15yrs of bieng the only bread winner. I would think he would of been happy for you. See what he is enjoying is the fact that he CAN complain bout it because it makes u feel like shyte, but now u have a job uve taken that away and thats y he is demeaning u and ur job !And it seems he is forgetting the sacrifice u made when he was in med school ? Im personally in awe of after what u have been thru to come out the other side with such confidence to go get a job and to enjoy life ! Your familly and friends can obviously see the difference. I would leave this guy at the earliset opportunity, and even if u have to save with your new job u know have the means to do so. As for the kids ? Which is better? 2 paretns that are together and constantly sniping and back biting? or 2 that are plit but united in loving and rainsing thier kids to the best of thier ability ? Ask yourself, if u stay in this marridge are u sure ur not hurting the kids ? or are u doing them more damage? The decision is ultimatly yours, but i know which way i wud turn, good luck to you and once again congratulations on ur new job u deserve the happiest of outcomes :)

Answer 3

First of all, I am not a expert.But I have been with the same man, since I was 16, I am now 39.We have only been married for eleven years, because he has always had a strange fear about things working out, plus it has taken him a long time to GROW up, anyway, think back to the reason that brought you and him together?And I totally understand your misery of going through the whole cancer treatments! I feel like he is Old school,in that catergory, woman don't really have a actual job, unless the husband and children are involved.He as a man, needs to realize you need to work and to feel important and needed.After all, men are lost without us! I speak from first hand experience.I hope this helps you? Again, I am not in anyway a expert!!!!!!! Trust your own feelings???????????????????? I hope and pray ever thing works out for you!

Answer 4

No relationship is worth staying together just because of your children...That is the wrong thing. I know most people believe in staying married and i to am married and sometimes as a women we feel its easier to stay married just because we feel bad for our children. Not just that but also we tend to feel we have been married so long that maybe we cant due it on our own....WRONG we can and if you are happy with your new job then congrats...Your one step closer to being more happy.. At the end of the day we should be coming home from work to an exciting life. Not to some controlling husband who puts your job or you down and makes you feel small...You have to think about yourself to. You did a good job and raised your children already its time for you to live a Lil. Have fun dont be miserable...

Answer 5

Wow.

Firstly, congratulations on 21 years of marriage. That's indisputable commitment.

If you can stay and work it out, if you WANT to, then do it. Tell him the truth. Tell him he's turned into something that completely turns you off, and if your marriage is to survive you're going to have to go to counseling.

As far as your observations of him, try not to let them out except at therapy. Accept the fact that you might also be suffering from a little myopathy. I don't care if you're married to a PRINCE, after 21 years, you'll be intimately familiar with EVERY LITTLE FLAW. And we all got plenty of 'em, let me tell ya!

If you can't do it, if you just cannot deal with it, then your argument about doing it for the kids is a classic BAD EXAMPLE. Don't do it for the kids. You're not helping them, your'e showing them how they should live their lives, because children learn by example and not by what you say. Is this what you would want YOUR children to do in this situation?

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Best of luck to you, and have the courage to do what you know is right.

Answer 6

while i found out that each and on a daily basis that handed that i became unhappy became yet another day in my life that i wouldn't in any respect come again, i desperate to not waste any further of my priceless days on a hopeless challenge. I chosen to divorce and became happy I did. life is merely too short to stay depressing once you have the choice to interrupt loose and commence as quickly as greater. 2 years once I have been given divorced, I met the genuine love of my life, and function been fortunately married merely approximately 2 many years now. If I hadn't made the determination to circulate away the loser, i wouldn't in any respect have met and married the winner.

Answer 7

Wow! You are going thru some very trying and emotional times but at the same time some soul searching opportunities for personal growth wisdom and understanding.

I dont profess to know what to say to you that could help but I will give my thoughts.

From what you have written this man is:

Positives:
Personable, Nice Looking, A Wonderful Father, Hard Worker, A Bread Winner for 15 years, A Doctor.

Comment:
Not bad for a guy who has worked hard for his family and himself...seems dedicated to work and in his own way to his family. I think he would feel he has contributed a lot to you and your relationship together and to his family materially.

Negatives:
Not emotionally there, Works too many hours, Critical, Obsessive, Compulsive, Controlling, Condescending.

Comment:
Driving this mans negatives is fear.
I think he doesn't know how to handle emotions well and would find it difficult to communicate on that level as most males lack the skills in that department and much less know how to bridge any gap they feel is happening in their relationship.
I think his answer to that was to have an affair looking for understanding and solace. This of course would have done the opposite to what he might have thought. This act would have alienated you from him further.
I feel he would also know he hasn't been exactly supportive and understanding of you and would be feeling desperately afraid of losing you.

Currently
Comments:
You have been supportive in your early times together and kept the home fires burning, have gone thru cancer and treatments feeling unsupported probably deeply hurt and lonely at times having to deal with facing a possible death sentence on your own. You have empowered yourself with employment and are looking and feeling good.

It would seem to me that you would like independence and freedom but would still like the stability a family gives you as by your statement "I cant hurt the kids'.

I do feel that this is a good relationship that is worth saving and can be fixed by good communication which brings understanding and healing as a result.

The services of a good counsellor would be beneficial in my view.

The first step in turning this around is for the two of you to recognise together that:
a) The relationship will not survive if you don't both recognise that it is worth saving.
b) Committing yourselves to doing just that by enlisting professional help.

Additional comments
I believe that only part of your feeling good is attributable to your employment and sudden independence although it is the trigger for other things, such as self empowerment, a raised self esteem, an augmented self worth and a feeling of attractiveness.

This new energy would radiate from you making you also more attractive to the opposite sex and any compliments received about how you look would no doubt add more to your feelings of sexiness, niceness and attractiveness.
This would in turn have the effect of making you vulnerable to flirting and interested males which you could find a little difficult to repel when you compare it to what you have at home. "I cant even kiss him anymore."

While affairs can happen for many reasons it is often a short term escape from the responsibilities of a relationship that has grown heavy with disappointments, hurts and pain in many areas of need and closeness which are definitely lacking.

Affairs can feel absolutely freeing and mind blowingly enjoyable (I know from experience) so much so that it is easy for one to think they made a mistake in their marriage and want out as quickly as possible.
That the lover is so wonderful and doesn't have the traits and problems that has caused the marriage to feel more like a prison than a happy relationship.
Often when the lovers have changed that relationship to a committed one the new marriage flounders with what may appear as different problems but underlying it are the very same unresolved issues that caused the previous marriage to flounder.

If you wish to email me you are welcome.

Answer 8

Absolutely...you're right...you can't hurt the kids. You're thinking in the right direction. Use your busy work schedule as a way to get away from this than really getting away from it . Divorce is the easy way out......instead you want to teach your kids to be strong and to never give up trying....and the importance of working hard on a relationship you've spent 21 years building. Take care!

Answer 9

Of course no one can really tell you what to do only make suggestions, so here is mine, I was a cancer patient, probably in a situation like yours only I am a man, all stress and no play makes for a dull life and relationship, the doctor told me I had about 2 years at most, so I changed my life, divorced, sold my house and gave my business away to my wife, moved away from everyone to a strange place, met new friends a new lover etc, I have been cancer free now for 12 years, my doctor has since died! My suggestion, get out live your life it is too short, let your children live theirs, they will be around long after your gone! Good Luck!

Answer 10

He sounds like a control freak and an inconsiderate jerk. If you value your self esteem and your health, get out of this toxic relationship. I went through a similar experience, and it took me 15 years to wake up. I'm much happier and healthier for it, and my kids have noticed that too. If you think that your staying in the relationship is helping by hiding your true feelings from the children, you are only fooling yourself. Kids see through it all, and will be happier knowing that you are happy. Best of luck in your choice and in your life.