Intimacy for Lesbian Couple?

Question

Yes, I am a lesbian. Please do not bother with advice that says I'm doing something morally wrong. It will fall on deaf ears.

My girlfriend and I have been together for about 2 1/2 years. We're each other's first love, first kiss, first relationship, and this didn't start until we were in our early/mid 20s.

Lately, we've been having intimacy problems. Sex is part of it, but it's not the whole problem. She always wants to cuddle with me all night, but she doesn't seem to want to kiss or passionately hug or anything like that. She won't recoil, but she just never initiates it and she doesn't want to get really really into it like it was when we first started dating.

She wants to have it back and tells me how she hates herself for this. I'm also positive she is not cheating on me or anything like that.

I guess what my question truly boils down to is how do we get past square one? We want to try something, what could we do that would have a reasonable chance of working?

I wanted to add again that it's really not so much about the sex, but the overall intimacy.

I'd much rather be able to make out on the couch with her whether it ends up as sex or it's just romantic/affectionate.

Answer 1

There are two considerations here. Firstly many lesbian relationships go through what is termed "lesbian bed death ", becuase often it turns from extreme passion to more of a cuddly type of warmth. There is a great deal of reading and books that can explain this better than me. You can go onl line and type in that phrase via google and see what comes up.

On the other hand, she seems to be reacting to her sexuality. This can happen often when someone feels uncomfortable or unsurae about their sexuality. Now taht the initial passion has somewhat worn off, this can truly come to the fore.

with regard to both scenarios if you love each other, it may be a good idea to get counselling perhaps from a lesbian therapist. Good Luck. And Keep asking questions, some people will take you seriously.

Answer 2

Amiko-Garbriel was right, sexual desires do wax and wain, it's normal.
In my ten years with my partner we've gone through a couple of times where sexual intimacy was strained at best. But relationship wise we have always been able to talk about the "why." Even if it's painful or hard to talk about, we knew we could trust each other to not judge or blame.

I'm not saying we've never had any big blow-out arguments, because I'd be lieing if I said that. But communication is key.
I can't stress that enough.
You have to listen not only with your ears, but with your heart and mind at the same time. You have to pull yourself away from the situation and look at things with a more open mind and forgiving heart. Be there for HER when she talks.Ask question that don't put blame on her, or even yourself.
Sometimes just talking about future goals and finding what you both want out of your relationship makes a world of difference.
Trust is a huge obstacle for many couples, regardless of genders involved. Knowing she can trust you to actually listen and share can really help make her feel more willing to initiate.

My partner and I will move all the furnature out of the center of the livingroom floor, make a nest of pillows and blankets and order a pizza and watch movies together. Just cuddling and knowing we're completely there. This atmosphere of intimacy helps to relax the whole feel of the room and makes communication more easy.
Simple touching exercises help too. No sex, just touch, and stay away from the sexual organs. No breasts, no pubes....just touch all over without intitiating arrousal. It's an exercise in trust and communication that really does help.

Answer 3

Hey there...

I had this problem in one of my relationships. I was the one who wouldn't initiate things, and it drove my boyfriend stark raving mad. What I needed him to understand was that I needed him to lay off completely for a while, and give me time to initiate it. To say it more clearly, I needed him to stop initiating it so that I didn't feel so much pressure to initiate it. It takes a lot of will power on the part of the partner who wants to get things started, but it makes a huge difference.

I can't help but wonder if your girlfriend is struggling through something else in her life. It sounds to me like there's an outside pressure that's really getting to her, and you have become her source for comfort. This is incredibly flattering (though not unexpected after 2.5 years), and you should receive it so. You have simply taken on a new role that may conflict with your old one, but eventually these two things will mesh, and you will wear both hats.

It sounds like the two of you are in love, and if you take care not to pressure her, you will rekindle the intimacy you once had.

I just want to point out that I'm a Christian, and I say cheers to you for finding love and making it last. I don't know how people can look past the fact that you are obviously willing to try hard to keep this relationship, which I believe is more than you can say for a lot of straight couples. Please don't listen to Christians who say you are going to hell or whatever else. I believe God loves you and wants whats best for you, and He will communicate that to you. Who am I to say that God hasn't given you permission to be a lesbian? He sure gives me permission to be straight. You can use that argument on any Christians that bother you, and tell them that although you appreciate their concern, you don't feel like you've let God down in anyway. You can say this no matter what faith you are, and it's still true. Again, I truly apologize for people who have chastized you or hurt you, and I will work my way through Christian circles until they understand the true meaning of love.

Answer 4

It could boil down to a biological matter.
If that is the case (or even if it is not biological, and instead is emotional), it is unintentional and not her fault.
Sex drives are not on a single set continuum, they fluctuate. I have a book in my personal reading collection that I really gained a lot of insight from. Yes, it uses a heterosexual pair model, but its information is good for just about anyone ^_~ I've included a direct link to where you can purchase the book for under 15 dollars. It is a psychology book and my only two complaints were that it was heterocentric, and uses binary gender concepts.
Still, it comes with a 4 1/2 outta 5 star rating from me ^_~

Look, try not to assume anything about her sexual orientation, that can cause more stress between you. unless she communicates with you, don't worry yourself with that scenario. Also, lesbian bed death is awful terminolgy. It puts blame on people where none is necessary.

Counseling could be a good suggestion.
Communication is always a good idea ^_~

My best thoughts are with the both of you. my biggest bit of advice, please don't blame your partner...
My body has problems of its own and i rarely ever let anyone touch me. My first gf thought it was her fault and i couldn't seem to explain to her that she was wonderful, everything i'd wanted, it wasn't her, it was my body.

Answer 5

Is she under alot of stress at work or with her family? Alot of people have trouble with intamcy issues when they are stressed out or suffering from depression. Also maybe you could try to set aside one night a week where the two of you do something together you enjoy, and spend the whole afternoon evening together. Got out to dinner and a movie, or bowling, or sit at home and rent some dvds and order pizza, maybe if you do some of the things you did when you first got together the spark will rekindle.

Answer 6

I'm a gay guy half way through the second year in my current relationship. My boyfriend's libido is probably normal for most guys, but I have a low libido. In the earlier stages of our relationship we'd have sex about every day or so, but then it waned to about once or twice a week. One of the other answerers mentioned she had to let her boyfriend back off for a while. That's exactly what my boyfriend and I did. After he backed off for a while (and it was probably forever for him) then I started wanting it more and began initiating. It may be tough in the beginning, but I believe this is probably the best solution.

Answer 7

I have been in a solid relationship for 6 years... things tend to cool off after a while... fights might even ensue... just hang in there, its all a part of growing together. just hold eachother sometimes like while watching a movie on the couch. sex drives come and go. There are times when i don't want to be bothered by my spouce and all he wants to do is hang on me. but trust me it will pass and the passion will come back, prob stronger then when you first got together.

Answer 8

well I'm a gay male in a 20 year relationship and it's true the sex does lessen somewhat..not totally...and there is something to be said for being comfortable with someone....everybody's libido is different and operates on a different time scale...perhaps she just needs time to do whatever.....I don't know what to tell you to try..you two need to figure that out...but even if there were no sex in my relationship at this point I'd stay because I love him...and he is also my best friend.....firstly you both need to stop making an 'issue' out of this..just relax..the good times will roll (again)

Answer 9

Happens all the time in all relationships.... the honeymoon is over!
If you are in love then it's a solid platform to build on, maybe you should go to couples counselling to get some tips on spicing things up!
Or maybe she has no clue this is how you feel and you should try to talk to her about it.
It's all about compromise and if you truly love each other then I'm sure you'll work it out.
Good luck

Answer 10

I have the same problem-me and my g/f have been together for almost 4 years i love her so much and she loves me-but we are going through the same thing.All i can tell u is to try to understand her-just hold her as i do,and hope things will get better.i can say i was never inlove til i met her and I'm 41 years old.She tells me the same thing.We both are in love,it's just that we never have time for each other,when we go to bed we are too tired.she comes home from work and cooks and cleans for her kids -i go do my second job.No time for us.I want things to get back to the way they used to be but i don't know how-but as long as i can go to sleep with her in my arms I'm content.