Is 6yrs long enough to help someone u love? What else do I do?

Question

I kicked out my boyfriend (basically my husband) of 6yrs last week. After 2 yrs of dating and after I moved in with him, I found out he was on drugs. It devastated me. I did everything to help him and finally he went to a very expensive/prominent rehab 1 1/2 yrs ago. It cost almost 15,000. His family helped me to help him. He is 51 and they told me had been on Heroin since he was 16. Well last week he came home from a weekend trip to his home town and was on it again. I saw how he was and decided not to go through the fiery pits of hell again and I kicked him out. I am hurt because be did not even say goodbye to me. He could have said Thank U, I 'm sorry, kiss my butt or something, but he said nothing and left town. He had told me a few years ago that no one had ever tried to help him before me and that no one had faith in him and I was the best thing that ever happened to him. Well I feel really crapped on and as if I meant nothing at all to him. I guess he loves drugs more.

I did everything possible to help him. I am really hurt that when he left last week as if I was nothing and ran straight to his sons mother who is a drug user too. She caused so many problems for us. She never tried to help him. I feel like everything I did was for nothing. After everything he put me through, I feel like messing up his life. I have never done anything to hurt him and never been a vindictive person, but I am having feelings of sending the video tape I took of him last week while he was nodding on heroin to his company. I just feel like getting back at him for all the pain he caused me and I don't know what to do. I AM VERY HURT AND ANGRY. How can someone treat someone so crappy after being there when they needed someone the most. I feel USED.

Answer 1

Please, don't beat yourself up. You not only did the best thing for yourself, but him as well. This making you feel like crap thing is all part of the addict's way of manipulating you so he can get what he wants. An addict is a very sick person and part of the illness is telling himself that he doesn't have a problem. He has got to hit bottom and want to stay sober, not for anyone else, but because he truly wants sobriety. In your guy's case, even though he's 51, he simply hasn't had enough. Please, don't enable him by rescuing him. It only reenforces the addictive cycle.

These expensive treatment centers help the addict to initially "dry-out" or detox, but if the addict doesn't attend regular 12-step meetings like A.A., C.A., or N.A. after getting out of treatment, he's only fooling himself and premeditating his next relapse.

I am a recovering alcoholic and heard a guy who had recently spent $20 or $30,000.00 on a treatment center remark that the best thing he'd learned in treatment was that A.A. was free.

Answer 2

He does love drugs more. That's what you need to fully understand. It has nothing to do with you and you shouldn't take it personally. The pull of the addictive drug is too powerful for him. He did you a huge favor by leaving town. You have already devoted 6+ yrs of your life on something that will never be. He is 51. If he still hasn't wanted to change he probably never will. Dont waste your life along with him.

Answer 3

Anyone with a serious drug problem is never really aware of what they are doing to those that love and care for them. Yes you probably were used, but in a different sense of the word. Not by his choice, but because he is weak. The thing you need to understand is you can not make him stop using drugs (you never could, only he can do that). Walk away with your head held high, you did all you could for another human being, but you need to take care of yourself now. Let him go.

Answer 4

I'm sorry, sweetie. I believe a heroin addict does not always understand the pain they cause because they hide from it themselves. I don't really have an answer for you; but I wanted to tell you that you sound like a very loving companion. He has already messed up his life; whether you enact revenge or not. Do not let him bring you down in his misery anymore. His poor choices led to his mental illness and that's not your fault. He has probably taught you more than you realize. Addiction scars many people; you aren't alone. There are support groups for loved ones of addicts, or seek therapy for yourself (I know a mother who was diagnosed with PTSD from the pain her heroin addict son out her through).

Answer 5

With an addiction yes, drugs are the all important factor to a person. You can't really help a person that doesn't want to help themselves. Maybe after hitting rock bottom and losing everything he has he might change... the consequence is he might not and eventually terminate his own existence with no consequences if given full opportunity to his addiction.

Answer 6

I think it was 6 years too long. Sorry to tell you but the drugs will always mean more especially since he has been on it for so long. That is his life and who he is. I think you did what you could and its now time to worry about you and not him at all. Move on. Beware its a pattern with being a caregiver.

Answer 7

He was not your husband. He was using you and you were willing to be used for at least 4 of the years you were "together." By the way, his first and only love is heroin. You were convenient, but he did not love you.

If you feel crapped on, its because you lay there and let it fall on you.

Now you need to figure out what it is about you that seeks losers like this guy. Another one is out there waiting for you, and if you don't change your ways, you will find him (or he will find you).

Answer 8

You'll have to face it... some people can't be helped. You did what you could. The rest is up to him. Move on. I hope you find someone to love that can appreciate you. And I hope your old boyfriend can somehow overcome his addiction but until he does you are better off without him. Perhaps you kicking him out will be the wake up call he needs to straighten himself out. But don't expect that to happen. Many people never break thier addiction to that crap.

Answer 9

My fiancee left me after 5 years via actuality that i like to drink on my day off. i ended for awhile via fact i admire her plenty, yet sooner or later i became out working interior the backyard and desperate that i had to circulate have a lager so I did, she smelled it on my breath and that became it for her, in retrospect on it I want I not at all might have long gone and performed that yet I did and there is not something i will do approximately it now. Any way i'm particular your ex probable feels the comparable way I do. I lost the affection of my life over a stupid drink or in his case a drug. each and every now and returned we are only idiots.

Answer 10

Too weird. You need to look at your own lack of wisdom, to say the least.

Look, if a matador gets mauled by a bull, it's not the fault of the bull. BY THE SAME TOKEN... if you did something so ridiculous as to move in with this creep without even being married to him and involve your life around him, it's your fault (basically), and not so much the fault of the creep.

In other words, you come on here telling us this story as though butter wouldn't melt in your mouth, but you don't seem to acknowledge what you've done to yourself or to anyone.