My husband says he loves me, but I don't feel it. He says he's just not emotional. How can I know for sure?

Question

My husband is from Nigeria. He is so distant emotionally and I feel like I'm priority #100, behind money and his birth family, then everything else. Everyone on the outside thinks he is so wonderful, he works hard, is kind to everyone and when we're out he holds my hand, puts his arms around my shoulders, and laughts and jokes, but it is so different at home. He won't sit next to me when we're watching TV or a movie, and when I put my arms around him he moves away after about a minute. There is no passion in our marriage. Even when we sleep in the same bed, if my foot or leg touches him, he moves away as if I'm on fire. Everytime I try to talk to him about it, he acts like it's just my insecurities, but I don't feel it's all me. He says he is just shy about displays of affection, but many times I have tried to initiate and he turns me down or moves away. Are these clear signs that I really have no marriage, or am I reading too much into his distance?

Answer 1

The problem is not you but his. He has intimacy problems. This is a very difficult situation to be in when one mate is very affectionate and the other is. When you go out in public he is letting other males know that you are taken by holding your hand etc...You must look to his other actions. Is he providing well,does he support you in your activities, where does he spend his free time? Is he with you or out at clubs or friends constantly ....
A person who loves to be physically shown affection and who thrives on the little kisses and hugs will soon feel very insecure. You are not crazy and he is unyielding. You must decide for yourself if you want to continue in this sort of relationship before you have children. Forever is a long time to live without passion and kisses.

Answer 2

One key piece of information you left out is how long you have been in a relationship - not just married but in a relationship. That would be a factor in my answer normally.
I honestly don't think that he is *just* shy about displays of affection. If affection is the reason for all of this, its far more serious than that; he has some very deep seated issues. Especially since someone who is shy about showing affection would most likely have a harder time making such displays publicly rather than privately. If he can muster up the will power to do something like hold your hand in public but he can't even touch you at home, I really don't think its a problem with affection.
I won't say your marriage is necessarily a sham, but I suggest counseling. If he refuses to go then I think something is definitely not kosher. And even if I'm wrong about that, I doubt that the relationship is worth continuing if he isn't even willing to try counseling. Good luck.

Answer 3

From experiance my husband is the same way in lots of ways. He feels that I only need to say love you to him and him to me about 3 times a day maybe. He doesn't hold my hand or even show affection in public, he doesn't sit beside me watching a movie. He finally talked to me about it and he said that he never really used to do that stuff before. A lot had to do with his past and up bringing. I found out that when he was younger his parents divorced and never payed much attention to him or showed him affection and they still don't know matter how hard he trys. Try to remember some of it could be like my husband, stuff in the past could have made him that way.He may not feel comfortable talking about because it hurts and brings back bad memories. Some people also growing up weren't allowed to show their feelings because some parents do beat their children for it. I hope this doesn't sound to weird but I do hope that it might help you understand a little better from my experiance. Sorry that it is so long. If you ever need to talk or want to ask a question just e-mail me. [e-mail]

Answer 4

Please tell me he hasn't always been this way when you first met him because if so why would you marry someone who is not affectionate? If he treated you differently when you first met with love and affection, you need to tell him that was the man you fell in love with and tell him to have that person come back! You need to express to him how unhappy you are and ask if he could go to counseling. Pray for things to change and demand things to change. He need to shape up because I know if you make attempts to make him happy, he needs to make attempts as well. If you are religious, why not talk to your pastor or clergymen for marriage counseling? I hope everything works out.

Answer 5

How sad. Maybe since he liked PDA, but not being intimate with you, you should plan hotel getaways sometime. He owes you love and affection by spiritual law. Be sure to pray and ask God to reveal him and his heart to you. Also, maybe giving him some of his own medicine (ignore his rusty butt!) he would act right. So bad that we have to play mind games, but sometimes they do just the trick.

Answer 6

Very strange situation. He holds your hand, puts his arm around you and laughs and jokes all in public but at home he can't do it because he is shy. BULL. If it was the other way round I would have believed it.

Answer 7

If he cane touch you out in public then he can do it at home. He should do it more at home because it is comfortable. I would tell him that it is a big issue and you feel it could ruin your marriage. Tell himy ou want him to touch you more etc

Answer 8

Some guys just don't like to show their emotions.

Just communicate with him and let him know how much you need to hear him say he loves you and stuff.

Answer 9

It seems to me you should have known him well enough to know how he is before you married him in the first place. You need to talk to him about this or seek therapy.

Answer 10

if he treats u good then u should know everyone shows their love for each other in different ways