How to deal with a home wrecker?

Question

I do fully understand it takes two people to have an affiar. But why is it the women will continue to have a realtionship with a married man? Again I do fully understand my husband in responsible as well. What would you do? Contact the other woman and ask her why she acted in the affair? Or should I just suck it up and move on? Problem is I WANT ANSWERS! and HE is not giving them to me.

Answer 1

First, some questions. How old is your husband and how long have you been married? Did you suspect there was an affair going on or did the fact shock you when you heard ? The answers to these questions may help to answer some of your questions. It used to be that some men went through what is called "middle aged crazy" in their 40's. Some have affairs and others buy some kind of a big expensive toy (such as a sport car or motorcycle, some may even do both) Also, have you ever heard the phrase "the seven year itch"? For whatever reason some men seem to stray after they have been married for 7 years (of course 7 is not the magic number here, it just seems to show up in studies of affairs to be a pretty common number of years) In the passed twenty years this craziness has been seen in men in their mid to late thirties. Your husband may not be giving you answers because he actually doesn't know the real reason he gave into his "animal instincts" or fell short of his morals. As for the women, some like to have affairs with married men because they are just wanting to satisfy their sexual needs without having to commit to a full time relationship. Married women also do this sometimes. One thing is for sure, the affairs are very selfish acts because those involved never think about how much their choices will hurt others. As for contacting the woman, there is more than one possibility. If she is denying it, and depending on how bold your are, you could let her know you are aware of the affair. Perhaps, that would give you some satisfaction letting her know. There are many explanations and possibilites as what you should do now. I know right now you are very hurt and angry, but if you do contact her do not stoop to her level and remain and present yourself as the better person and a lady. Everyone reacts to affairs in different ways. Many leave, but that is their pain and hurt "talking". Also, do both you and your husband want to stay married? It takes two to make a marriage work. Counseling may help resolve the fallout from this affair. You probably know him better than anyone. Does he regret what has happened? Do you think he would do it again? Are you willing to try to forgive him?(and that will not happen quickly, it takes time) You will hear many different suggestions from people, but do not act on it just because someone suggests something. There is NO WAY you can see passed this time in your marriage and be able to conceive the idea of "there can be life and marriage after an affair", that too will take awhile. Please realize that you DO NOT have any blame for the affairs. There have been times that couples ended their marriage without trying to have it put back together and then years after (after the hurt and anger) regret their choice. There is so much to consider when making your decision. The bottom line is do you both want to try to keep your marriage together. Is he sincerely sorry and willing to get some counseling. Are you willing to try to forgive him. Whatever decisions you make I wish you strength to see this through and only happiness for the future.

Answer 2

The bottom line is, the guiltier of the 2 parties in the affair is your husband. He is the one who vowed to be faithful to you for the rest of your lives. That's not let the other woman off the hook. But the home wrecker here is your husband. He's the one who knowingly took up with another woman. She may or may not have known he was married when the affair began. She may not know it now. You may not get any answers from her, either. Especially if she doesn't know he's married. She may be shocked, mortified, ashamed, embarrassed, sorry ... Tell your husband if he wants to repair the damage he's done to your marriage that the 2 of you must go to marriage counseling. I believe it's possible for the 2 of you to get through this with the help of a good therapist. I pray you can and will. God bless!

Answer 3

I did contact the other woman - she knew we were married, she knew me and my son. The response I got from her - "we never meant to hurt you"!! These women have no idea the pain they are causing. I know the men are to blame as well - they are the ones who are married and took the vows. But I still think the other woman should be held accountable for her actions. I am not sure what it is these men tell these women to make them think that an affair is okay and that they are fit to be with. I do not understand the attraction. My advice - you will never understand why they did what they did. There are no other reasons except they are self-centred and cruel. Try and move on - try and stop thinking about it. I know it is difficult. My motto now is that I deserve better and they will get what they deserve - KARMA.

Answer 4

What would you do?

I would seek divorce and tell them to have a nice life because that is what I am going to do.

Contact the other woman and ask her why she acted on the affair?

I already know why she acted on the affair. She is a very naive girl who soon will realize that she too will be in your shoes one day. It is all about control and "ha ha" childish behavior.

Or should I just suck it up and move on?

Move on and heal the wounds you have with counseling and soul searching.

Problem is I WANT ANSWERS!

You have the answers hun. You just now need to listen to them.

and HE is not giving them to me.

He already gave them to you that he is not husband material and he has a lot of soul searching to do of how he destroyed a marriage and hurt someone very wrongly.

No matter what reason he had: whether you gained weight, upset a lot or lost the "spark" (whatever reasons there is), there is still NO EXCUSE to commit adultery. So, don't pin this all on you thinking you did something wrong and justify his cheating.

Just be you and you find in yourself the things to work on. Don't allow him to tell you just so he can justify his adultery ways.

Answer 5

Dont go after this other women even though she is in the wrong its not her problem. The problem is your husband. Now if your not getting answers from him you may contact her, but be civil, dont attack her since this wont get you answers. She might even feel bad for you but she herself has an attraction w/him and obviously hes not backing off from her. Hopefully she can give some insight and may even realize that she needs to back down til you 2 decide what happens w/the relationship. As I see it..your husband is clamming up and acting like a junior high student. Do you really want to put up w/this juvenile attitude.

Answer 6

When i spoke to a few married men on line. I asked them why.. if they love their wife would they cheat or looking to cheat..
It seem that the answer i kept getting over and over again is that they are looking for adventure.. something different (get the blood boiling again).. They always say they love the wife and having sex out of marriage has nothing to do with love..

I never would mess with a married man and have had my ex cheat on me.. that is why he is a ex now..

The answer to why women mess with married men is most often the fact that married me are a safe bet of not getting fully involved with... some will say it is because the good men are taken but.. a good man will not cheat is the way i feel..

Answer 7

Look at it this way...if he's not giving you an answer...that's the answer. He has nothing to say because he never had a reason other than to cheat.

It could be for many reasons for him to do so, but no excuse for what he's doing to you. If he felt unhappy he would've told you. If he married you because he feels this is the best he could get, that's not your fault. if he married you, only to realize that he never was suitable for marriage, it's not your fault.

The only fault that I could see, is if you drove him to do so. Mind you, we are only getting your side f the story, to be fair. But assuming this is the truth, his silence for not giving you an answer means he never had a real reason.

Make plans to look for an apartment, set up a bank account under a different name, and make plans to take what's really important to you and leave.

Your under enough stress looking for answers and you need to be in an environment where you can re-group yourself and make a better life without him. It's not hard nor impossible if your plan is tight.

One last thing...YOU DON'T HAVE TO SUCK ANYTHING UP! He's the one who has to do that, provided that you leave without giving him a reason. Silence is the deadliest of weapons.

I say give him what he gave you....NOTHING!

Good luck and seek a better life so the right person will find you and appreciate who you are.

P.S. If you have children and you decide to divorce him, DON'T USE YOUR CHILDREN AS AN INSTRUMENT OF VENGEANCE! There's no reason for them to get caught in the middle of something they have NOTHING to do with. Be sure that he has visitation rights and to discuss this with a lawyer and child psychologist present.

Answer 8

Ultimately you have the last say in the situation.You are not the first or last woman who has been betrayed by the one you thought you can trust the most.What answers can you get from a cheater only that they are weak when it comes to temptation.I have heard that once a cheater always a cheater and I stand firm on that saying so Forgive and Forget or move on if you feel he is undeserving. But remember there are no guarantees,in love you take your chances.

Answer 9

ok fortunatly i have never had to deal with an actual affair, but, i did deal with a lady friend and my hubby who were a little to chummy for my comfort. She would call him 5-10 times a day, about everything. It finaly came down to who is more important. After he made his decision i made him set in front of me and make the (breaking up) phone call. But she did not stop she continued to call and had to talk to her myself. You can't continue in a relationship with someone that you don't trust. It will always be in the back of your mind, and you will never be completely happy. good luck i hope you can over come.

Answer 10

Dear dear dear the problem is only HIM own you answer
he was suppose to Respect, Protect, Love you
the other woman did make such a commentment to you
he did, if you go talk to this woman she can tell you whatever she wants also she can call the police on you
so you either drop it
or make him talk