Is it possible for a husband to become the man his wife wants him to be without losing himself?

Question

The thing is. I get self concious in public. I don't show affection easy out in the crowd. Never had. Now she is telling me that is what is causing her to distance herself away from me. Been married 10 years. I try to be more open in public but it's not easy for me to do. It's turning into a real issue.

To follow up. Holding hands is not an issue. We do that all the time. We even hug in public. It's when she's looking for me to be passionate in public that I struggle.

Answer 1

Are you both 16? No, I don't think so! I'm not interested in seeing a couple be "passionate" in public. Passion is between two people, not a crowd! You said that you've been married for 10 years and you'll hug and hold hands and probably will even kiss her in public. What more does she want?

Talk to her. Certainly she can understand that it makes you feel uncomfortable. She needs to see your side too.

Answer 2

Change is possible for any of us. But, trying to blame something like being non outgoing in public is a bogus issue. After ten years, a wife isn't "distancing herself" from you cuz you don't hug or hold hands in public. She MAY use that as an excuse, but something else is going on. Take care.

Answer 3

I'm having trouble understanding. You hug and hold hands in public and that's not enough? Does she want you to have sex in a public fountain or something? Come on. I'm not sure what more else would be appropriate in public except maybe just a quick peck on the lips. Maybe that could be your compromise.

There's got to be more that is creating distance for her. Maybe try to talk with her and understand what else may be involved. If this is the only problem, then it's hers and not yours.

I don't think that it's about trying to become the person your spouse wants you to be. That only causes resentment. It's about compromising.

Answer 4

That depends on what the wife wants the man to be, doesn't it? Everyone, both men and women, gives up a bit of their personal identity when they marry or become a committed couple, and there's usually a struggle over how much each is allowed to really express themselves. A problem comes up when either or both parties seem to accept or encourage behaviors before marriage (in order to seem appealing, 'cool' or just because it didn't bother them in someone who was just a boyfriend or girlfriend), and then after marriage, that behavior is now seen as unacceptable. A bit of that happens in all relationships. It was okay for your girlfriend to dress provocatively for a night out with you before you were married, but then suddenly you want her covered up. Or it was okay to go out with the boys before marriage, but now it's not alright. You both need to reach a compromise and not engage in a struggle for self-expression, since that can only end in one of two ways; either one of you completely loses your identity and submerges your true self, or the whole relationship blows up in the struggle. Take each behavior one at a time and talk about it. Why is it important to express yourself, and what bothers the other person. Is it hidden insecurities? Fears?

People need to really look at each other carefully before marriage, not marry and assume they can change the other person or turn the other into something else that's more desireable.

Answer 5

I am sorry this is happening one thing you are the man you are if she is looking for something else she should have married someone else. How do you feel about holding hands in public it is a nice bonding experience. Hugging is also great big PDA's sometimes embarrass other people around you do you have affection in the home if not start there but you are who you are :)

Answer 6

This question isnt very specific so I will answer as best as I can.
First of all their are so many aspects to our nature. some good some bad. As people to some degree we must change otherwise our perception of life can grow stagnant and effect us in negative ways. I think though it is ludicrous to think that we can change people. All we can do is offer suggestions not ultimatums or threats but suggestons. It is up to the individual to make the changes. Loving someone is accepting who they are. If a woman goes into a relationship processing the idea of changing her partner, then in essence all that she is really doing is setting her self up for failure. If she is not happy with who her partner is now, then she never will be. And if this man feels he should change in order to be worthy of her love then he will never love himself, and their will always lie the problem. Relationships are complicated, but can be very rewarding when we allow our partners to grow without force. But if we lack the patience and the compassion of ourselves and our partner then their is no room for growth. I would tell this man and this woman to search their hearts, and ask themselves what is it that they love about the person they are with and concentrate on that, the rest will come in time. I wish you well

Answer 7

You know it all depends. It depends on what and how much she wants to change. It depends on what you are willing to change without feeling you have lost your identity.
One thing I must say about men and this is true of my husband, he really didn't have his life together before me. He had a carefree wild life and sometimes men will have this sort of life well into their 20s and even 30s and if no one tries to change them they will continue this way and that just is not what real adulthood is.
He enjoyed the single life and the pleasures that come along with it, drinking, smoking, smoking pot, hanging out all hours of the night at parties, playing video games, not working consistently. But now life is different and I loved him them (I must add I participated in those activities also) and I love him now, but I would not be able to have a real marriage and family if he continued that way of life.
Some demands I make make total sense and we wouldn't have a good relationship if he ignored those demands, such as finding a good consistent occupation, cutting down on drinking and smoking. But there are other demands I have made which we both had to meet halfway such as hanging out with his friends, by no means is it as frequently as before but he gets his guys night out every 3 months or so. There are also other things that he just would not change claiming that they are part of his personality such as his obsession with sports, I tried to get him to back off the sports but he still indulges in watching, reading, and listening to sports everytime he has a chance.

So as you can see, if you want to be happy and if you want to be with a spouse that is happy you have to be selfless at times, these changes are alot of times for the good of your marriage and your family. If you feel that she is taking too much away from your personality you must discuss this and decide whether to keep that part of your personality, alter it, or eliminate it. She must meet you halfway on many things and she must understand that you are after all an individual and that you will have desires and wants that must be fed or else you may have resentments and regrets.
BTW - just hold her damn hand or give her a kiss in public if that's what she wants, why have you let it get this far? She just wants to be reassured that you still are attracted to her and love her and aren't afraid of showing it.

Answer 8

A lot of men whine and carry on about "you are trying to change me" but usually the issue they are trying to change should be changed....such as drink driving (that is what an ex called it), to stop smoking for the sake of paying bills, to treat her right, to spend more time with the kids, to help with housework a little...so if you would like to define yourself as a alcoholic, neglecting father and husband who doesn't want to "loose himself" to be a family man...just go ahead and stay the same...Maybe you are lost now and you will find yourself if you try to be better. I don't know your whole story....if you have say a diesel truck, then you trade up to a newer unleaded you can't stay the same...you have to use another fuel...just an analogy... you can't act the same as when you were single...cause you aren't...it is that simple!

Answer 9

It depends on the changes. If she is asking you not to do drugs because it is killing you than she is looking out for your best interest. She married you to be her lifetime partner and wants you around for a long time.

If she wants you to dye your hair and get a facelift then that is wrong. Also when children come into the picture both people must make some changes/sacrifices to ensure that you what is best for the children.

Need more details as to what she is asking you to change.

Answer 10

What does she want french kissing in front of everyone?
Sit down and have a conversation it could be more than that underlying the problem and she needs something else to blame it on. She knows this will be hard for you have a talk to see if there is anything else going on and if not if you love her change your mind set and give her what she wants, but only if you are willing to. Ther is alot of compromise in a relationship but if that person loves you they won't push for something that makes you so uncomfortable in your skin that you want to jump out of it!
lol and Good luck!!