How can I understand her? She is a very nice lady, hardworking and good-natured. But I am always annoyed when I feel like she's forever waiting for my commands and questions. I don't know if I'm too controlling or she's too passive, because sometimes she's not passive at all, especially with her own friends. Is there some psychological patterns you see here? Is it my problem or hers? What specific steps can we take to solve the problem? Cos I'm really frustrated.
2006-09-15 22:58:25 · 5 answers · asked by yilingonly 1 in Social Science ➔ Psychology
I can't really tell for sure based on the limited amount of information.
What you describe still fits within the normal parameters of well-known personality types, such as the ISFJ type from the Myers-Brigg Train Invetory.
ISFJs are kind, good-natured, want to please, responsible, dutiful, methodical, and dependable in their work. But their primary motivation is to learn the rules and then follow them -- they desire to serve and please the "authority figure."
In the workplace, this means if you give them a task, they will do it to the best of their abilities, and more carefully than anyone else; but if you do not give them "permission" in some way to do a task, they aren't quite sure what to do.
This is not just a choice; it literally feels morally WRONG for them to take charge in a situation where they do not think they have been given authority. All of the ISFJ's I've known have been like this. This is not a defect, it is simply how they are geared mentally.
In their personal lives, where they themselves have some authority (such as in the family or with friends), ISFJs enjoy making decisions to maintain the relationships and getting work done.
They can actually be a little domineering in their personal relationships, if they are internally rigid and feel as if it's up to them to make everything work. They are warm and engaging, but to other people can occassionally seem to be too chatty or "gossipy" because they enjoy talking about the numerous little details of their personal relationships.
So I guess what I am asking is, does she fit this description? (Or does your comment about her "not being passive with her friends" mean something different?)
The thing here is that you say she is hardworking, nice, good-natured. So her work itself is not an issue, and her attitude seems very good. So it doesn't make sense for her to be purposefully undermining you by remaining passive. My best guess is that it's just the way she is.
If it's just her personality, here are some steps to take:
1. Change your expectations a bit. Respect her for how well she does her work, and that you can depend on her attitude and work ethic, rather than letting yourself view her so much through the stuff that she does not initiate. This is just part of learning to work with different people; while she's disappointing you in some ways, you will need to change how you view her to make things work out.
2. If you are her boss, give her specific authority in the areas you'd like to see her take some command. You cannot afford to be "general" about it either -- ISFJ's are detail-oriented. They need you to clarify the details of what you mean. Give concrete examples of the sorts of things you'd expect her to do, given the authority you'll grant her.
If you give her a specific list of tasks and explicity grant her the authority to do them, as well as tell others she has the authority to make certain decisions (that's important too -- she needs to know that others see her as having the authority to make those decisions), she will do all in her utmost to excel at those tasks.
If you are just a co-worker, you need to be *explicit* about your expectations for the working relationship. ISFJ's hate to let people down and will comply to the best of their ability to make someone happy or "do things right." Don't be mean; just tell her it would really help you if she would do such-and-such instead of waiting around. Always couch things in terms of how she can be supportive of you as a coworker (i.e., the relationship).
Also ask her if there is something you can do that would help her accommodate you more easily.
I know it's frustrating. But if this is because she's an ISFJ type person, there's no other way around it. ISFJ's need to have the "pump primed" -- they are not natural leaders and only initiate things behind the scenes, if they feel they have the authority to do so. They are tireless workers once they know the task and have "permission" to do it.
2006-09-16 05:35:24 · answer #1 · answered by Jennywocky 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
depends on your position, are u in a position of a leader? if yes then that is why she waits for your prompting but if u really want her input ask what do u think give me your ideas u might find she has some good ones and maybe some that are way out there. My husband is a very passive man and it drives me crazy sometimes but that was the one thing that attracted me to him so, It also sounds like she is intimidated by u, once again maybe because of the position u hold but look at it this was if she works hard and she always at work on time what more do u want? you want her to take initiative well give the projects and tell her to take ownership of the project this is your project break a leg GOOD LUCK,AND GOD BLESS.
2006-09-15 23:23:53 · answer #2 · answered by wisewomaninthewest 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Extreme passivity is a form of manipulation. She is more aggressive than you think...be careful around this one.
2006-09-15 23:01:45 · answer #3 · answered by Rod 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Indecision is a weakness and that's probably what bothers you about her. You want her to think for herself.
I like what Rich had to say!!! Sounds right!!!!
2006-09-15 23:18:48 · answer #4 · answered by Candy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I agree with Rich. She may "pounce" when you least expect it.
2006-09-15 23:09:50 · answer #5 · answered by julielove327 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋