how do you get through a pregnancy when he leaves you?

Question

I'm 28 weeks pregnant and my boyfriend just left me last weekend. He is angry with me, he was drinking and got physical, I got scared and called the police but didn't have him arrested. The next day his mom told me I "crossed the line" and they came and got his things (he's 30 btw, not some teenager). Now i have to face the rest of this pregnancy and the delivery, without the father of the child a part of it's life. I feel so horrible and scared and lonely, I wish I could go back but i can't. How do you find the strength to go on? What am i supposed to tell the baby when it grows up and wonder why every other child in class has a daddy? What do I do if he tries to gain custody of some kind after the birth? Was I wrong?? My friends say no, but they're my friends, of course they're going to say no. maybe I shouldn't have called because he was drunk and didn't know what he was doing? How did I cross the line?

Answer 1

1. You did not cross the line in having the police haul him away. Any man who gets physical with anyone is not a true man and does not deserve to have a good woman (or any woman).
2. You get yourself an attorney who will have him charged for child support. He may not want to be in the baby's life right now, but he does have to support that child until the child is out of high school (even if said child is 19 years old). Also, the attorney will have the police report showing that he was getting physical and had to be taken away so he CANNOT take the baby away. HE has a HISTORY of VIOLENCE and as a result cannot even have unsupervised visits with his child.
3. You call your mom and cry on her shoulder and ask her to be with you. You SHOULD NOT be alone during the delivery.
4. He is definitely a mama's boy and will do whatever she wants him to do, but because of his history of violence his hands will be tied.

You want to go get that attorney right away and get the paper work started before this child is born so that you are the one in charge of what happens to your child. Make sure that he can only have supervised visits and never be alone with the child. Should he get a wild hair up his butt and start drinking he could do that child a lot of harm.

Good luck to you.

Answer 2

Listen, being drunk and not knowing what you are doing is not an excuse. He knew what he was doing when he drank the first drink. Better now than later when the baby is there to see this and hear this and another child brought up thinking it's OK to live with violence. You can't change him, I tried for 14 yrs. and guess what after 20 more yrs. he is still the same. I'm not with him but I allowed my girls to be around things that they didn't need to be around because I wanted them to have a daddy! Well, they have had a daddy since a few yrs. after leaving their father and he is the best. Pray for God to give you strength and he will. Also, over half the children in schools are not with their fathers and about a fourth are being raised by grandparents. So, be good to that child and protect that child. That is what is required of you and that means from his daddy too, if he is too inmature to grow up and act like a father.
As far as his mom goes, she enables him if she is saying YOU crossed the line so you have a loosing battle on your hands.
Get support, call for info. in your area on parenting classes or support groups or your local church. Find someone to talk to and don't feel guilty. You are doing the right thing and you and your child will be ok. Just stay busy doing positive things. Focus on the wonderful times ahead for you both. You will be fine once you have that baby in your arms and you know he can't throw a drunken fit in front of it because of what you are doing now!
Listen to your heart. Be good to you and as long as you are a good mama he can't take that baby. Document and keep records of all his actions from now on because this will help you prove he isn't good enough to be a father. Good Luck!

Answer 3

You didn't cross the line at all!! You did exactly the right thing! He should have never gotten physical with you, even though it may have only happened once, it probably would happen again. It doesn't matter that he was drunk, that is no excuse!! I am very proud of you for what you did. Many women endure that behavior from the people that supposedly love them. If he were to try and get some kind of custody, bring up the police report that was filed when you called the police, he may not get very much if any at all because they, the courts, wouldn't want to put the child in danger. There is a cycle of abuse. You had the courage to interrupt that cycle before it got really bad. You should be proud of yourself! You are a courageous woman and deserve better than that. And as for his mother, she's just has bad as he if she actually condones that kind of behavior. I would suggest seeing a counselor to talk, because you went through and are going through something very traumatic and it'll help to talk to someone, other friends, on a regular basis. Find a support group, your family, friends are all there for you! A woman is never wrong for leaving, calling the police on their significant other when they have hit them!! It's never wrong and remember that! You did the right thing!

And as for Ruthie, being married does not stop a man from hitting his wife!!! That is one of the cruelest comments I have read on here! Keep those comments to yourself!! Nobody wants to hear it! Didn't your mother ever teach you, if you don'thave anything nice to say then don't say anything at all?

Answer 4

I just did it. I'm not going to ly it sucked and my situation was a lot worse. I was 3 months and it was hard. I had my baby on the 5th and it gets better. Yeah you're going to feel alone and feel like the world is looking down at you. But honestly it's you looking down. I laugh about it now. Because people told me everything would be fine and once my baby was here I wouldn't even be bothered. I though... What the hell do they know. Well she's here and I don't care about anything I went through. It crosses my mind and it's hard. But I had the support of my mom, sister, and bestfriend flying to my location. Unless you're truley unfit. On drugs, drinking they won't take your kid. If you get child support and he signs the birth certificate it's a fathers rights to have visitation. And the judge decides on what that is trying to work somehting out between the two of you... If you were scared you were scared. Should you put your child in harms way? NO. So to me you did the right thing. It's not your fault. I was protective over my little belly it's your motherly instincts kicking in. Good luck and email if you want to chat.

Answer 5

You didn't cross the line. You were being a mom and protecting your baby inside of you and you were protecting yourself. It is extremely hard to think about facing this pregnancy and birth alone. But you can do it. There are many resources out there to help you get through this. First, find a doula in your area. If you cannot afford to pay for one, then contact an organization like DONA. They can give you the names of doula's who will support you for free. The help before, during and just after the birth is immeasurable. Often they will attend your prenatal classes with you and it is not uncommon for women to attend with a doula or friend. Secondly, think about calling your local womans shelter. Often they have counsellors you can see for free who will give you advice, help you with any legal concerns and can give you some perspective. Your boyfriend needs to get some help. You cannot own what he has done. He is responsible for his choices. His mother is just having mother bear syndrome and is not seeing things for what they truly are. Whether you reunite or not, it is important to get some support systems in place now because there is no guarantee that he will not get physical again. You will find the strength. Take it one day at a time and trust me, you will grow from this and become stronger because of it. Don't think too far ahead about "what you will tell the baby," because you have no idea where things will be in 1, 3, 5, 10 yrs. All you know is now and right now you need help and support.

Answer 6

You did not cross the line, contrary, you should give yourself credit because not only did you show to be a strong woman but even a better mother - Being a good mother begins from the time that your child is in your womb and you start protecting that child and that is exactly what you did. Him being drunk is not a justification for acting in any which may cause you fear and/or harm., he should be the one apologizing to you on his knees., and as to his mother, of course she is going to say that you did wrong, right there you should see that she is not a good mother to begin with because she is justifying her son's bad behavior, instead of apologizing to you for his behavior while you are pregnant, which he should even be more in his best behavior. What you need to do now is be strong.. Show him that you are able to move on without him, if he really loves you, he will return and look for you and if he is a good man, he will look for his son/daughter when she arrives. You should not make any attempt in trying to locate him or speak to him about anything! By you looking for him, you are simply showing him that he did nothing wrong and that you are not giving yourself any importance, value and/or respect . . . You should not be treated in that way and especially you will not allow now or ever to be treated in such a way especially when you are carrying his child. Thank God that you opened your eyes now before it was too late and he disrespected you once your child was born. As to a daddy not being around for a child, he/she will not be the first or last, you could give him all he/she needs and I assume that he has a grandfather or uncle that could be a positive and the male role model.. You are better off having a good man and a good father around your child then having a father which abuses you and/or the child in any manner, whether verbally, physically, etc. Be strong, I know that some nights it will be harder than others and you will feel lonely, but on those nights, you cry if you have to and let it out, but do not EVER give in to temptation to look for him.. Hold your belly, remind yourself that pretty soon you will have your baby in between your arms and that will be the most important person in your life. Make sure that your friends are around and your family so like that you could keep yourself busy and your mind occupied doing something, that is the best way to keep your mind off of your exboyfriend. When and if he looks for you, do not cut him slack so easily, you need to make sure that you show him that you will never allow any men to treat you in such a way and that you will not hesitate to report him to the police and file a report... You are better than that and you are the mother to his child and therefore you deserve respect... Once your child is born, if you decide to file a petition to take him to child support, then you do that and if you choose not to and simply do it on your own, then you do just that...

Answer 7

first of all drinking is the stupidest excuse for getting physical it doesn't matter the fact is HE crossed that line and you can get through it with out him trust me I was 16 years old when I got pregnant and I did it all without him. And you will eventually find a good guy I found one a year after my son was born and we have been together for 6 years and have 3 children . If you are worried about the custody issues don't let him sign the birth certificate and he has no rights unless he pays for a paternity test which is pretty spendy . And I wouldn't worry about him at school without a daddy because chances are half the kids in his class don't have daddy's either. just don't talk bad about his father to him because he is a part of him and it reflects on him. I know how hard it is especially when you are pregnant but you don't need him making your life worse just relax and spend time with friends and you will get through it Well good luck and congrats on your little bundle of joy

Answer 8

Stick with your family and friends. Let the loser go. If he is abusive when your pregnant what will he do to you and the baby once its born. Don't make excuses for him lots of new moms are in your predicament. Look for a help line. Remember you are never alone. And by the way tell his mother to mine her own business. Her son crossed the line not you. It will all be fine just love your baby and take good care of him or her. The child is the most important thing rite now. After the baby's born make sure you do every thing by the book so his family can't say your a bad mother. God bless and Good Luck

Answer 9

No. You wasn't wrong. You was doing what was right which is protecting your unborn child and you. Now, suppose he had hit you in the stomach and cause some kind of vaginal bleeding or cramping, I bet his parent would not see that he cross the line. WHY? That's there son he will never be wrong in there eyes. You did the correct thing. Screw him. You are probably better off without him. He is going to come back soon, he is just mad and surprise you did such a thing. You probably tolerated his BS before and he did not realize you was going to do the correct thing this time around.

Answer 10

You did nothing wrong. I know this is hard, but this sounds like it is really a great blessing for you and your baby. You do not want to be abused, and you do not want an abusive man to be around your baby. I know you just want him back, but you need to understand how miserable he would make your life. He will never be a real father figure, or a good man to you if he got physical. You need to focus on your child now because the second you got pregnant, your life turned into being about the baby. I left my abusive ex husband and i had just had a baby, and had a 5 year old as well. It was the best decidion of my life. My family is safe. I moved on. I remarried. I found God and now I'm happy. Don't go back to this man EVER. Best of luck to you.