thoughts on my writing? i want to be a writer and want to know what people think about it. THANKS!?

Question

thnx for reading, please comment.
I'm 14 and a freshman.

Mercy Me

rivers of sympathy run shallow
ponder for another fitted dream
but it evades you one last time
...what lies beneath?
a figment of our friendship
ripped at the seams
they scream for an encore
[you deliver as promised]

a vengeance high again
they crumble as you build them up
oblivious, they praise your torment
each plummeting towards fatality
look what you did
[job well done]

fabricated off nonexistent pity
regret seeps into your skin
like the most toxic poision
you struggle
"mercy me"
[she cries aloud]

but whispers of the wind
caught you red handed
trapped between reality
and anything but
[what now?]

please
hallucinate on your own time
don’t waste the precious moments
the sacred times
we had it all
it was anything but bitter
nothing left sugar coated
they accused you
and defensively
you say that
"sincerity never left"
.........
[ill bet]

please
lie on your own time.

Check my other ?'s, there's 2 more of my poems.

Drenched.

Play the song by ear, the lyrics aren't complicated...
Yet she falters and falls, no grip or insulation.
Drench yourself in silly clichés, exit at the next left,
She never matched up to them, though it's for the best.
Prognosis for hearts, we'd like to know the charge...
Discount for the both of them, for falling that hard.

The tell-tale heart has a few more stories to share,
Shame on those onlookers, it's as if they can't care.
Forget her not as she tries to grasp onto his hand,
Recoils for a moment, becomes his only biggest fan.
Necessity to comply, for fear of losing all he had.
Resist tempatations and focus elsewhere while you can.

Two have been faking, both of their hearts on the line,
You say patience is a virtue, but we're nearly out of time.
Pick up on line one, seems there's an emergency call.
But some witnesses, zero conscience, are trying to stall.

Answer 1

I've just read several of your poems, and I am impressed. I like "Mercy Me" the best.

I think you do have talent and ability --and if you are doing this much writing this well at age 14, then you also have a lot of promise.

Two areas to work on for improvement:
1.Rhyme and meter. Don't use predictable overused rhyme schemes and meters. Don't, don't force a rhyme with an unnatural expression.

2. Watch your use of cliches. You actually do not lean on cliches as a lot of writers do -- but there are a few places where I thought you might have stretched your creativity to say things differently "hushed tones" is one example. I think you are far more gifted a person to resort to over-used language, so experiment and innovate.

Now some advice: Keep writing, writing, writing and reading, reading, reading.

And ask for feedback (as you are doing) --which I think is a great attitude to have and will really help you in the long run if you listen enough to refine your work but not so much that you stifle your own poetic voice. Good luck!

Answer 2

It's not my line of poetry so I can't really comment on it. Even though I don't understand, there seems to be competence and potential. (I know it's backhanded as a compliment, but this is a case of the blind leading the sighted). See if you can get any poems published in the school newspaper. Maybe the local newspaper or local college paper will also publish for you. Try submitting to literary journals as well. Good Luck.