poem i wrote--sorry not sure what section i can put it in...opinions?!?

Question

FALSE ALARM

Turn around with hushed tones, gasp as I snap in two.
It's a false alarm, once again, and all thanks to you.
Scenes from a movie, the director's cut is playing,
Black and white, no one knows what you're saying.
Lip read as a source for some future reference,
Trapping you now is what my next defense is.
Claustrophobic but unaided 'cause you're clearing away,
This letter from my heart is still begging you to stay.
Mutter in disbelief, I'm in debt without a cause,
I refuse to back down so please hold the applause.
Held on trial as if I'm wasted from your deceit,
Turn my back for a second to hear your screams.
Washed up like I was sent out to sea,
Waiting for support, and this is my plea.
Two steps back and I'm being eaten by your words,
Sweet and sour phrases that just never will work.
So I'm aiming for it like there's no roadblacks at all,
Stand back, let me live and watch me free-fall.


NOTE: I'm only 14. I want to be a writer. Please don't be harsh.

Here's another...like or no? And compare the two if you want.

Vain Like Me

You're under the dictionary definition of vain,
Think that each low blow is directed your way.
And now I'm equipped with audacity to break you down,
You see that I've been where you are, three times around?

Learn the tricks of the trade; we're two of a kind.
No need to thank me now, the pleasure's all mine.
You think you know me, so take a stab at my name,
Here are some couple one-liners, on sale for claim.

The back lash is wicked, from the onlookers outside.
I now vanish as the person in who you could confide.
So tame the beast, for she's set on replicating the past.
But never has someone faltered like the way you did last.

Call me every name in the book, I just can't confess.
Suddenly old feelings for you have been put to rest.
Replaced with the twinge of remembrance...
[Of what we shared once before]
Our fire, my dear, takes on a likeness as glass..
[Left shattered on the floor]

Answer 1

I think it is great that you want to be a writer. You are good with your words. You will get better as you go. I wish you the best of luck. Dont give up on your dream!!!

Answer 2

It's very dramatic.

If you want to be a writer, be a reader. Reading poetry will expand your range as a poet and help you to form your thoughts more clearly. You have a few interesting lines, but as a whole your poem is incoherent -- you need practice and you need exposure to real poetry.

Every word of a well-written poem carries meaning; keep that in mind as you write. Consider the Dylan Thomas poem "Refusal to Mourn":

http://plagiarist.com/poetry/1094/

Like yours, it's a personal narrative of an experience and an explication of the author's feelings. But pay attention to the structure, and to the way that it all meshes together to create a coherent single poem. You have A TON of metaphors, but they don't cohere or play against each other meaningfully. Every word of Thomas' poem is well-considered.

Good luck, and keep working! :-)

*****************

You added some more after I finished writing this. The last four lines of your new poem are worded a little bit oddly, but they have authority and a real sense of purpose and weight. The metaphor of fire taking the likeness of broken glass is very rich, very visual and intense. Well done!

Answer 3

Not bad considering your age. My critique lies with the length of your lines, I think poems can flow far better when the lines have less than ten syllables. That's just me though, and even then, I've made exception to my own rules at times. I don't know what poets you have read, but I do suggest reading as many as you can. Also, I'd prefer if the ones you read were poets before the 20th century. From these poets you can learn a lot on rhythm and rhyme: Poe, Donne, Browning, and Tennyson.

Answer 4

Nicely done :-) What's really impressive is the quality of the spelling and grammar, you don't see much of that these days.

Only one suggestion:

Second last line, there is an agreement issue. If roadblock is plural, use "are", if singular, use "is". So it should be "...like there are no roadbocks" or "like there's no roadblock".

The second one is more punchy but less coherent - I prefer the first one.

Both of these have a "music lyric" quality - hope you're considering songwriting as a possible occupation.

Answer 5

I don't know much about poetry, so I really can't comment. However, there's a good chance you're gonna get one or two smart a**** who will say cruel things to you regarding the work you've shared with us. If this happens, please don't get discouraged. It is tough to break into the field of writing and you will need some "tough skin" to do so. Might as well start developing it right now. Good luck, dear.

Answer 6

i like it. i wish i could write this well when i was 14. i would work to develop your skills . obviously, other writers would be better qualified to judge your work than people at yahoo answers. my advice, take as many writting classes as you can, be honest with yourself, read , learn , be aware of wonder and as Mark Twain once said: don't let school get in the way of your education.

Answer 7

cool keep em coming :)