We as individuals sometimes lie to ourselves to keep from a reality we are trying to choose not to be in... I am trying to tell myself i am going to be okay in my marriage but the promises made to work things out are being broken. Everyone notices but I just keep lying and covering up for not only him but myself...I love him with all my heart, how do i confront this instead of covering this with him? I know i am crazy but am I so far gone in love that i may never get out of this alive... I want to have a honest loving working marriage but how can I if I can't say what I need to? Does it make me stupid?
2006-09-15 08:44:29 · 5 answers · asked by bobette 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
NO, definitely not stupid. it is human nature for us to confuse what Love is... u have to Think with your Heart, not just one or the other.
for example: let's say your husband is alcoholic. if u "love" him, u may think that staying w/ him no matter what, trying to help him (but it's not succeeding) no matter what, letting him take too long to change, not changing....... but staying with him, is loving him. BUT, if u *think* about it logically: by allowing him to continue like that, and staying there, u are pretty much letting him act Badly for a long period of time with no consequence. it is called Negative Reinforcment, and its not healthy for either of you. but u are being blinded by your LOVE , thinking staying = loving someone. partly yes. but HELPING someone is also love, and doing whatever is Best for that person, whether it means separating to "wake him up"... u have to do it. for the better of BOTH parties.
so, for your situation, u need to confront him. but that doesn't mean u don't love him!! u want to change things because you LOVE him! u don't want to leave! he needs to respect that and appreciate that. working on the relationship to make it Healthy and Positive IS loving each other.... not changing, continuing lies, hurting each other, that is not Positive nor Healthy, and will lead to the the love turning to resentment, and anger, and eventually even hate.
if u put ur foot down now, in a way that ur husband can understand, and not feel attacked, u are actually respecting the Marriage MORE than if u just continued to lie. i hope that makes sense to you..the Happier u are, the Easier it will be to make your husband happy. but the Sadder you are, the harder it is to find happiness in your husband. you both affect each other, and therefore MUST do all u can to Grow, Learn, Become Better Partners.. every day. marriage take WORK!!! but it is a satisfying work...shouldn't be hurtful, sad, negative, angry, resentful.
make sure you are a great wife and woman. strong confident, healthy, smart, attractive, caring, respectful, honorable. now, make sure your husband appreciates you, and that he tries to be strong, confident, healthy, smart, attractive, caring, respectful, honorable. if he is not, doesn't care, doesn't try, than u have to realize he is not right for you, not healthy or positive for your marriage. same goes for you, if u dont strive for those things, u are not being the best wife for him. communicate, explain, keep an open mind, Help him to understand how u feel w/o attacking him. if he loves u the way u love him, he will try to understand.
have respect for yourself, and for ur partner, and u can expect the same from him. if he doesn't give it to you, then there is a huge problem. good luck.
2006-09-15 08:55:34 · answer #1 · answered by sasmallworld 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The words you said about getting out of this alive tends to make me think that even the phrasing of this question is a way to ask a question that you want answered without revealing the entire truth. You must ask yourself this? Does loving this person who I call my husband void out the act of love for myself? If the answer is yes then ask yourself the next question. Do I love him or is do I love the ideal of him, and idea of marriage. If the answer is no then proceed back to the first question. Pulling the covers over your head and living in denial is only enabling the situation. Confronting it is the only way you can truly be happy. There are many ideas of death, and survival. But the biggest conquest we can ever make is the survival of ourselves. Now ask yourself this do you love him because his love offers you an escape or freedom. Even a woman who is in an abusive realationship who suffers physical torment everyday will see that realtionship as an escape or a safety guard from the world. In fact she will convince herself of this just so she dosent have to endure the fear of being alone or starting over. You are not being stupid. Your just afraid.
But that fear of taking a step foward may prevent you from ever taking any steps in every aspect of your life. And in time you may find it is not your marriage that has suffered broken promises. But the broken promises of yourself. Confront this "problem" in your marriage before it destroys you. Embrace this time for this may be a time of new beginnings. Not to sound cheezy but when one door closes another opens and vice versa.
2006-09-15 09:35:54 · answer #2 · answered by fryedaddy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You never said what it was that got you into a place you dont want to be in..without that said...Like you said you truely love this man, when its real you know that person deep down to his soul and remeber the"how things used to be" and long for that to come back..normal esp. if there are kids involved!..Your a female theres always a way to say by actions,notes,words, ect to be heard( or a combo of all). Without knowing whats got you so hurt/afraid to speak up may be the reasons why you cant. Somethings your willing to forgive but drag that feeling of betrayal with you, wishing it would all just be back to normal...No your not stupid! we didnt come with the book of feelings guide book, we have to live and learn!
2006-09-15 09:00:17 · answer #3 · answered by Michelle 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you are a person who does not like confrontation?
It's tough, I know. I don't like confrontation either. Maybe you don't want to confront him because it will show you that the marriage was a mistake?
Can you take baby steps and confront him on a small issue?
2006-09-15 08:50:49 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
no, it doesn't make you stupid. we all do those things....lie to ourselves and others and let things go.
just be honest with him, tell him like it is. tell him you want to keep this marriage strong and full of love and honesty. ask him what he thinks.....does he notice this?.....does he like it or not?
good luck
2006-09-15 08:57:16 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋