Why does he treat me like this???

Question

When I approach my husband with my feelings about something he will ask me my REASONS for feeling the way I do. But after I tell him why I feel the way I do he will analyse each reason saying this reason is not logical, that reason was four days ago and does not count, etc...if I give him 5 reasons he may or may not give me credit for them and this is what determines wether or not he will validate my feelings or comfort me. It seems like my reasons for my feelings must be validated through him first before he will give comfort....He told me this is how the REAL world works and acts, is he right? Why does he do this to me? What kind of mind is this?

I'm referring to if I'm UPSET in my writing...

My husband is in the Marine Corp Band

Answer 1

First of all he is treating you like a child, I think you and I both resent that.

It's pretty common for men to try to solve the problem. In your case, dismiss the problem altogether. Men have to learn that sometimes women just want to be listened to and help to bear the burden and give some sympathy. It is a hard lesson to learn.

The argument that that is how the Real World works is simply not true unless he's putting your discussion under the context of office politics!

Next time, tell him that dismissing the problem does not make it go away. Tell him, some things in life have no logical reason -- like why you love him.

I am glad you two are talking but he's developed a process that I think does not reflect real production.

Answer 2

wow. this is new. My opinion... He married you so I see he loves you. And I'm sure he cares about you very much. But in order for him to just comfort you he needs a reason? Thats not right. Maybe try telling him what you asked just now and have a heart to heart talk as to why he does this and let him know it bothers you and you really need comfort when you are upset-no matter how little the problem is. If this doesn't seem to work or he isn't even interested in talking about it, something isn't right and maybe the next best thing would be to seek marriage counseling. I have no answers for why he's being the way he is. Has he always done this or just started? If it's something that is just recently happening then I would be a little iffy and definatly concerned and as much as noone wants to hear it, there may be someone else. But I hope not! AND don't jump to any conclusions -- that that may be the reason.... maybe he's really stressed with work or other ussues. This is just my opinion and I hope talking to him helps alot or at least counseling.

Answer 3

my husband sometimes would ask me why I felt the way I did... and ask for reasons.... Sometimes I feel a certain way and I don't really know why I do.... And he would like give reasons why he thought the way I was feeling was silly. And sometimes he would say that my explanations didn't make sense. He is very good at debating things, has a habit of debating everything. He would give examples of ppl that he knew that had similar circumstances. For example, I didn't think he should be hanging out with his ex. He was like,"Why do you feel that way? I have stayed friends with ex's in the past. They're my friends. If you trust me, and I'm not doing anything, what's the problem?" Stuff like that...I think that, if you feel uncomfortable about anything, or if something he does makes you feel less than adequate, or uncomfortable.. then you have every right to feel that way, whether it makes sense to him, or anyone else. Tell him when he asks you why that it is just so, and you have every right to feel the way you feel, whether anyone in the world agrees. Tell him your feelings are valid, they do not need to be validated, or approved by him. And when he married you, he signed on to care about your physical, mental, emotianla, and spiritual well-being. Caring about you and protecting your well-being does NOT include making you feel like your opinions don't matter, like you're stupid, or irrational. It is sheer control, stubborness, and a lack of willingness to claim responsibility on his own part. If you are "wrong" in your feelings, then he doesn't have to admit that he did anything wrong. I think he has low self esteem too. Because someone who knows that they are a good person can acknowledge when they've hurt someone, or done something wrong, apologize, move on, and still know they are a good person.

Answer 4

I'm not quite sure I understand the question. BUT are you saying that you have to justify yourself to how you are feeling to this guy? give him reasons for why you are upset? And he says this is how the real world works?
wow that's the most f*cked up thing I ever heard a guy tell his girl. do yourself a favor if he explains his actions like that, it'll only get worse from here. cause that is F*cking Bull Sh*t. If you're upset he should be there to help you, to listen to you, not to tell you how to think and act,. Sorry but what he's doing is wrong and you shouldn't have to go through that. and for the record he's the biggest jack a** if he treats you like that, and why does he do that you ask? cause he's shallow and he tries to act better then what he really is. WHEN he's not. Good luck to you.

Answer 5

No, this NOT the way the real world works and acts. It is how HE works and acts. The simple answer to your question is that you ALLOW him to treat you like this. One good thing, at least he COMMUNICATES, even if the way he does so is odd. What HE needs to understand, is that there are not always logical reasons for how you FEEL. What YOU need to understand, is that you are entitled to your feelings, whether you can explain them to his satisfaction or not. Feelings are emotional, logic has very little to do with emotion. Why do we cry at sad movies? We know Old Yeller didn't REALLY die. There is no LOGICAL reason for our tears. But there they are. I would say from what you wrote, that this is someone either uncomfortable with emotion, or practically incapable of emotion.
For Sasha-you would like to shake my husband's hand. He cares as much for my feelings as he does his own. It's like a breath of fresh air!

Answer 6

No, he's looking for reasons to invalidate your feelings. I think if you did a careful analysis of all his feelings his faulty logic would soon be exposed. You feel the way you feel about things and they don't fail to be rational just because he says they are, and even if they are, they are still your feelings. I'm not saying to walk out on him because it could be you have a good relationship in other ways.. in the particular instance you might benefit from counseling. He's exhibiting controlling and codependent behaviors and if it doesn't stop, he could become emotionally abusive or jeopardize you're willingness to stay.

Answer 7

This is a relationship not some business.

Try giving him a taste of his own medicine. No affection then don't give him anything that you do for him. If he comes up with "reasons" then you evaluate them and deny his claims. you got to be strong when doing this. then when he get so mad you tell him that is exactly how you feel when he rejects you.

But if this doesn't work you need to evaluate all your options in your relationship. because living like that is not a happy life. and if you can't be happy with him then your better off alone or with someone else

Answer 8

plain and simple he's not able to empathize with your feelings. It sounds like he has some issues with being controlling arrogant and selfish....if it dose not sound like a reason to him then it's not a valid reason. I would suggest a counselor. My sons father is like that too i left him when our son was 2 months old. Our sons now 10 .5 he still acts the same IT'S his way or the high way! he's ALL KNOWING, all righteous. It's a personality FALW.

Answer 9

what a jerk.
my dad is the same way. seems like the "real world" needs to slap him in the face and tell him "there isnt always a ""valid"" reason for your feelings"" and that youre married you SHOULD be able to express your feelings without such jerk-ness.

the real world does not act that way as a whole..only some males who are too power hungry to believe they are ever wrong in something

Answer 10

Your feeling are your feelings whether they are logical or not. Who has thet right to tell you if your justified or not. It sounds like his parents did a number on him. Yes, men tend to go back to the way the world acts, but women react with more feeling. Talk to some women about your feelings and you will feel much better. Also go with your gut instinct on how you feel and be comfortable with yourself.