my husband and i have been together since my youngset son was a month old and his sister was 16 months old we have had three other girls since then and we need advice on how to tell the two oldest their"daddy" is not their "real father"!!!! my husband is the only father they have known but because we all have different last names(they have their biological fathers last name) they have been asking questions we have no answers to!! their ages are 8 and 7 and the three younger ones are 6,3 and 1 year how do we explain all this too them?? the real father has been out of their lives since i was 6 months pregant and have no memiores of him, no calls., letters support or anything.my husband wants to adopt them when we have the money because these are his children he has raised them and loves them we just don't know what to do!!! thank you in advance for any and all help!!!!
2006-09-15 07:42:34 · 7 answers · asked by debik26041 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
In every sense that matters, he IS their father. Make sure you emphasize that to them. He's not their biological father, but true fatherhood means a lot more than merely being a sperm donor.
From what I've read, kids that age have no problems accepting what you tell them... but you may be in for a rude shock when they turn 12 or so. That's when kids gain the power to think abstractly and hypothetically. They may start seriously contemplating various "what if" scenarios at that age, and the results can be rather tumultuous.
Anyway, your husband is their dad - no ifs, ands, or buts. The other guy was their birth-dad. Leave it at that.
2006-09-15 08:03:54 · answer #1 · answered by Bramblyspam 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can say to them that before you met their Dad you were in love with someone else and because of that love these two wonderful children were born. Because of things that happened you and the children's father were separated and then you met their Dad and are even more in love with him. You will have to reassure all of your children about the love you and your husband share and how it will never go away. These things will be upsetting for awhile and the children may act out because of feelings of insecurity but it will pass. Next talk to an attorney because of the abandonment of the children by their father getting his parental rights terminated and your husband to adopt them may be cheaper than you think. Also a lawyer may work out a payment plan that you could afford. Everyday you both need to tell the children how much you love them it will be confusing for awhile but your family will survive and be stronger for it. Good luck and God bless.
2006-09-15 15:03:20 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
First off - congrates to you both. I think you need to sit the two down (8 and 7 year old) and just be very brief with the matter for starters. Let them know that there was another 'dad' but was not able to stick around when they were little. When you met the good 'dad' and married him, he wanted to do anything and be the best he could to make them feel like his own. Tell them that just because their real dad is not around, that you and your husband have been thru thick and thin and would do anything for them. If they really want to know who their real dad is; first off be honest with them, but remember their ages, and try to think about how much of the truth they will be able to handle at that age. Once they get older they might want to know more, and then you can tell them. Best of luck!!
2006-09-15 15:00:24 · answer #3 · answered by scooterx22 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Explain to them that the Daddy who they live with is a very special kind of Daddy , because even though he didn't help bring them into the world , that he picked them specially out of all the other kids . Now that makes them special too .
At their ages the 2 older ones may need a little more , but I would let them ask . Sometimes we give kids more information then they asked for . Keep it age approperate .
2006-09-15 14:55:58 · answer #4 · answered by Geedebb 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should have changed thier names, but that cat is already out of the bag. Until you are ready to explain biologically how children are made you will have to explain to them in metaphor that your husband is thier dad, however theybiologically are different. You need to show a Lot of love and need to get those names changed or you might start to see a rift that might never heal. They have fragile psyches right now. Seek professional advice.
Best of luck.
2006-09-15 14:52:46 · answer #5 · answered by Billy! 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just tell them the truth without going into any great detail. When the are ready to know more details they will ask. I think children handle the truth very well in these types of situations. They get much more upset if they are lied to and then find out later. My nephew found out when he was 10 that the man he thought was his grandfather was a step-grandfather. No one had ever told him his grandmother had been married before. He wasn't upset because his grandmother had been married and divorced and then remarried. He was upset because no one ever told him.
2006-09-15 14:53:03 · answer #6 · answered by vbryant52 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Go to a lawyer and have your husband adopt all the kids. This way they will have the same last names!! It cant cost that much $ for a lawyer to do that.
My stepdad adopted me when I was 2. I am now 38. Things have a way of working out, dont worry too much!
2006-09-15 14:49:12 · answer #7 · answered by Deb 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋