why do women stay with abusive men?

Question

One of my exs told me that she stayed with a guy who put her in hospital. I must admit I lost a bit of respect for her after that. How can women make such bad decisions??

Reading some shocking answers. The girl in question was in her twenties, graduated from Oxford, had no kids and was constantly stared at in the street because she looked like a supermodel. If she had a self-esteem problem then what chance has everyone else?? Actually I remember her saying someting like it was her fault. Made my blood boil.

Answer 1

Well, part of the abuse is on a psycological level. These a**holes convince women that no one will ever "love" them the way they do. They break a woman's self esteem and feed them nothing but lies. They're full of promises of a wonderful life and apologies for they hard times they've had together. They convince the woman that they know they're not perfect and beg for forgiveness. They tell them that it's "us against the world". They guilt them into staying by begging them not to give up on their relationship and on the "hurting and sorrowful man".

In so many cases, the abuse is far more than just the physical act of hitting. It's control, dominance, verbal, and emotional. And, sadly, many women don't even realize that they're being abused.

That's why I stayed. One day I woke up and I realized that someone WILL love me. Someone else WILL respect me. Someone else WILL appreciate me. I do not have to put up with this. And i kicked his sorry pathetic a** out and I never looked back.

Answer 2

Hi I don't think it is as simple as bad decisions. I work with some women that have or are in a violent or abusive relationship. I think this is a several reason answer. A woman falls in love with the " Street Angel" who quickly becomes a "house devil". The feeling of low self-esteem often keeps a woman with the brute.There is of course the woman might have a great deal invested in the house emotionally as well as financially. There always the reason " better the devil you know". A major reason for abused women staying is fear of the unknown.

Also the poor loyally misguided people actually think they can change the monster they live with and he will have done such a good job of making the person believe that she cannot manage without him

My best advise would be get out quick he WILL NOT CHANGE and she can end up with permanent injuries.

Take care Dirky

Answer 3

because she either loved him and hoped that he would change or that she has self esteem issues. Just because some one looks like a supermodel dosent mean they cant have low self esteem, you dont know whats happened in their childhood that may have made them feel bad about themsleves or even the way they are being treated by the abusive partner will definately give them low self esteem. Just because she looks like a supermodel does not mean she feels like that, i know some stunning girls but i also know some who aren't as stunning but have more self esteem. Also some people are scared of leaving the abusive person i mean if they hurt you and there meant to be in love with you then what may they think of doing if you leave them.

Answer 4

The only way a person will stay in an abusive situation is to have their self confidence destroyed and that is usually what happens by an abuser. They will make you think 1. you're worth is nothing 2. no else would have you 3. after the "abuse" takes place, they promise it will never happen again. She has do be at the point I was...............I stopped loving him at the moment I found out the truth of him losing jobs and that took second place to the abuse--------------I'd had enough and knew it then, but you cannot bring a person to that point; they have to come to it on their own time. Trying to push them to do it, only pushes them to not do it. I don't know why but that's the way it works 100% of the time.
For me, I put up with the physical(at times he wanted to take me to the hospital himself!), mental, emotional abuse for 10 years, Had a loaded gun in my face and put up with him losing one job after another and couldn't understand why. When I found out it was for 3 warnings on his last job for sexual harassment (3 different women), everything for him was gone and I couldn't stand the sight of him. Fortunately I lived through all of this, but sometimes the abused person does not. I have some permanent damage to neck and shoulder area.
It's been said, the person on the outside looking in can see without the rose colored glasses on. The person you might think is the most likely to stay in the situation, will stay in it, as was true in my case. But you make a promise to yourself it will never happen again. In time you gain back the confidence, self-respect you lost and wonder why, oh why, you stayed as long as you did. Sometimes the more you try to convince the person their partner is "no good"; the more determined they are to prove you wrong!! Just be there for your friend and let her know t hat you are. I had a good friend that was there for me and when I left my husband, she said, I'm so glad, I knew sooner or later he was going to kill you. No one knew about a lot of it except her and it is very important to only listen and do not give advice unless it is asked for. Professional help is very important in these situations.
Good Luck to the both of you-----------be her friend (if the relationship will allow it), she needs you.

Answer 5

I used to be with a very abusive man, and I think it was a self esteem issue. If you don't love yourself you will tolerate someone abusing you. I respect and care about myself now so I would never tolerate being treated that way again, but that's the only reason I can think of for why women make bad decisions. Don't lose respect for a woman because she has had that experience though. Hopefully she lived, learned, and became a stronger person because of it.

Answer 6

Whether its a man or a woman being abusive, the main part of the abuse is not the actual physical abuse but the mind games. Whether the person who is abused is stunning or not does not come into it...abuse starts when the abuser starts making the abused feel that they are useless and that no one else would want them! This is something that is done day in and day out until eventually the abused actually feels that they are useless and no one else would want them-thats when the self-esteem goes down and depression sets in.....don't be too hard on her, she has now got herself out it and in my mind you should have alot more respect for her in the fact that she did move out of the situation and move on......the idiot who treated her like that is what is known as a control freak! As for women making bad decision - the problem is you never really know what a person is like until its too late and getting out of it is not as easy because of the way they have made you feel about yourself. Strong women do get out of it and they do move on.

Answer 7

They belive everything that this guy tells them, they lose all self respect and confidence, and think that no other man will wont them, don't lose respect for her, help her get out of this horrible relationship she is in. There are men out there, that just have total control over the women, its mind blowing, i can understand how you feel, as it sounds like you would never get into, or let a man treat you like that. But you are not her, help her, she has opened up to you and told you, which is more that some women will even do...........they keep it hidden and stick up for these darn men, they are bullies, they treat women, like ****,but bet they wouldn't if faced with a male to fight with.........she needs some help. good luck and god bless,

Answer 8

some women stay in an abusive relationship because they r afraid of change,and thats all they know but actually it is deeper than that it can stem from childhood watching there mother, sister or whom ever beening abused and people inmitate what they see and it also comes from low self esteem and sometimes u want to walk away but u dont know how to do it a person can beat u down so low that u start to believe these things i was that person before but when i got sick and tired of being tired iwalked away for myself see every one has to have a breaking point and was when he made me loose my unborn child and i couldnt take it i found strength in my spirit, in my innerman, and got the hell up out of there its not an easy thing to do but if u get tired enough u will walk away with gods help

Answer 9

As former abused spouse, I can answer this. First off, they start with comments. You begin to believe the crap they say. Then one day POW! they slap you. And it is always your fault. Of course, between the arguments you couldn't ask for a sweeter, kinder person. Most abused women stay because they are afraid of the consequences if they leave. I know my ex threatened to kill me if I even THOUGHT about leaving him.

How did I get out? I found out that his beatings were the reason my daughter had brain damage and would never walk. I felt like I might deserve punishment, but she darn sure didn't. He came home that night to me sitting on the back steps with a locked and loaded thirty ought six leveled between his eyes. I didn't kill him (maybe I shoulda) but I did take the windshield out of his truck. That was 24 years ago. I haven't seen hide nor hair of him since.

Answer 10

We are all trying to fill needs that we have. Women base their desireable male ideal upon their father figures. So these abusive needs usually point to father abandonment, or abuse issues. One or more of the following:

-Daddy left.
-Father was physically abusive.
-Daddy left and Mommy's boyfriend was abusive.

Often the last scenario leads to anger at mom, and a sub-conscious justification for the abuse. Subsequently, a feeling that the abuse was "deserved" and now as a woman she's carrying on the "structure."

If she's an intelligent, thoughtful woman, therapy stands a good chance at reversing some of those effects, and tempering some of the ones that remain.

Best of luck!