Should I forgive my boyfriend for his online flirtations?

Question

I confronted him about the problem and he was very honest and vowed to stop the relationship and spend the rest of his life making up for the lying. He claims that he wanted to tell me, but he didn't really know how as this relationship started up long before we met and she has recently been contacting him more. What I want to know is whether I should forgive his indiscretion or is this just the first step in a lifetime of distrust? I know that he loves me and feels terrible about hurting me but what if he is lying....help.

Answer 1

Relationship is based on trust, love & respect. If one of those three doesnt exist, it will not work.

Answer 2

Hi Merfur,

Depending on your boyfriend's personality, he could be telling the truth about his intentions. It also depends on how long you've been dating -- the longer you've been together, the worse it would look for him. Still, you feel that he's being truthful -- you are simply aware that you will get hurt if you're wrong, and you want to be more confident in your view of him.

In life, people generally initiate things or they respond to things. If your boyfriend is generally a Type A initiator, I would worry more in the sense he would have probably actively sought out and maintained this relationship. When a Type A does something, it's generally because they meant to.

Reactors tend to be more passive and have trouble taking decisive action. If your bf is a reactor by nature (has trouble making decisions, doesn't tend to be the initiator, is more "go with the flow," etc.), it's very likely he felt like he wanted to cut off the relationship but simply didn't know how to do it, especially with the other woman initiating the contact and maintaining it.

[Note: Yes, he should have cut it off, and he should be working to be more decisive -- but it's an inherent weakness and you need to give him some flex while he works to improve.]

Now he has received the perfect excuse to break things off -- you're brought the matter to his attention, and he HAS to make a decision. So chances are he will.

I would pay attention to what happens after this. If after this point he resumes the relationship with her, then it means that he's too passive to stay committed to you (regardless of his good intentions) and you might want to move on. If he uses your intervention as a clean break from her, then you're probably good-to-go right now.

As far as your relationship and future distrust goes... Well, yes, your trust of him has been impacted a bit. That's unavoidable.

I would simply keep in mind your bf's nature (if I was right in my description): He will tend to "slide into mistakes" rather than outright manipulate, lie, and/or actively betray you because he is reactive by nature.

In order to interpret what he's saying/doing in the future, keep an eye out for situations where he might tend to slide if not forced to make an overt decision. He'll drift into trouble, sometimes without really wanting to, and so you have the potential to shore him up before he gets himself into a mess.

Still, maybe that's not the sort of relationship you want to have. It's up to you how much passivity you can deal with in a relationship and what you need emotionally to make things work.

Take care, and good luck!

Answer 3

Well if you really love him I'd try to forgive him this time but I would make it plain to him that if you catch him again or even suspect he is talking to her again your gone..Be very firm about this let him know you are NOT kidding around, I would also if possible email her and let her know your aware of this whole thing and it WILL come to an end one way or another..You have the Ball in your court keep it there and don't be pushed around with this you hold your ground..As far as trusting him that will take some time and he has a job ahead of him proving that he can be trust worthy again..If it don't feel right follow your gut instinct it will not lie to you..Good Luck

Answer 4

I believe everyone deserves a second chance. This coming from a woman that was married to a pathological liar for six years. I gave him second, thirds, fifteens, you get the picture.
I set myself up for a long term hurt. If I had stuck to my second chance rule. I would have been better off. It is hard to rebuild the trust in someone else. If all goes well then you can put this behind you. If not than if you have no trust in a relationship, you have nothing.
Go for the second chance. Keep your eyes open, but don't look for any excuse. Or keep thorough going the incident in his face. If you chose to stay with him. If he blows it, you'll know. Don't give him a third time. It will just show him, that he can screw up, you'll be mad for a while and then you'll get over it. He'll keep doing it knowing he can. Good luck.

Answer 5

Very often internet relationships don't feel 'real'. He may be totally trust worthy in real life but this online fling didn't seem to count as cheating to him because it didn't feel serious. I think you should try and forget it as long as he didn't actually meet this girl. If he shows the slightest sign of contacting her again or anyone else in this way you should confront him though. For now, I'd try and move on.

Answer 6

From experiance, it won't stop compleately. It'll stop for now and then sometime down the road, for reasons I don't know, It'll start up again. When you cofront him and even remind him of your last dispute over it, it'll be like memory loss. Either that or he will remember things being said compleately different than they were.

I've been married for 8 years now, and gone through the same thing twice already. I'm all for second chances, but I'm starting to find evidence of it again. Three times and you're out right?

Answer 7

to lighten the subject, for all he knows..... his on line 'friend' might be a 40 year old guy..... *wink* sorry just trying to brighten your day a bit.

Honestly though, it isn't worth leaving him for i don't think. BUT you will never trust him as you once would have... that isn't anything you will be able to change, trust is a funny thing that way.

If you love him you should stay with him, but if he knows this makes you unhappy and continues to do this.... he does not respect you, in which case you shouldn't stay with him, if he doesn't respect you now, i don't for see it changing unfortunate as it seems.

I wish you the VERY best of luck =)

Answer 8

I had the same problem with my ex husband and I believe that men think that if they are online that they are in a fantasy world, and that it is not real. If he continues to speak with her then he does not deserve you. But to tell you the truth this is one of the reasons why my marriage ended is because he was not telling the truth that me or my daughter even existed. I don't know if he actually cheated on me but you can also cheat with your mouth and eyes.

Answer 9

No you should not forgive him. The way I see it, your boyfriend cheated on you. Flirting is cheating, whatever the case. Be it online flirting or face-to-face flirting, it is wrong. You need to leave him. The trust has been broken and can you ever really get that back?

Answer 10

Ohhhhh, this is tricky, but on-line relationships more times than not turn into something more.
It's not going to be hard to forgive, but it is going to be hard for you to trust him again. If you want to stay in a relationship where you don't trust the one you are with, then stay with him. But you know as well as we do- you deserve better.

Answer 11

Flirting is flirting. Online or not. It depends on what you think about it. If it were me, I wouldn't stand for it at all. Not because of him, because of me. I wouldn't be able to trust him ever again. Think about it. Everytime you walk in the room and you see him on the computer... maybe he hustles to get out of the page he was on... you will always be suspicious. You have to decide if you are willing to live with the suspiciouns for ever. It is hard. Take your time and think about it.