Why do I feel afraid?

Question

I have been married for 18 years. After going turbulence and turmoil trying to make things work out after finding out about his infidelities for the past few years, I finally come to terms that we need to go on our separate ways. Till this day, he is against divorce but I just cant live with his ways anymore. What fits me in this marriage is monogomy as well as full of trust and honesty with each other. These essentials no longer exist between us. I have decided to live a life that fits me and he should live his life that suits him instead of still living in denial.

I know I cannot and will not put up with his lies and infidelities anymore. However, I do feel the fear of having to deal with this reality and the unknown down the road. Why do I feel afraid? Any advice, sincere advice that is. Thank you.

Answer 1

Yes - it is a very scary time! It is gut wrenching to have to come to terms with this. Of course you are afraid - this is new ground and decisions have to be made. All your instincts are to hide and avoid it - but at least you have turned the corner and decided to deal with it head on. I send you big "virtual hug" !
I have recently come to the same conclusion. Ihave been married over 30 yrs! I don't have to put up with infidelity, but with attitude. It is time for me to stop wishing things would change to the way I want them to be, and start to look at things realistically. I cannot change who he is, nor am I responsible for his choices. So I have also decided that I will do what is best, and logical and reasonable, for me. That means that I am disassociating myself from whatever decisions he makes. They are his decisions, and mine are mine. I don't need his approval, it is not HIS life. So I am persuing options that will give me a sense of self-worth and esteem, and will give me some options for my future - either with or without him. I am looking into what my interests are, and what I can do to increase my earning power and independence.
Go thru all your finances and know where the accounts are and what's in them. Keep track of your expenditures and figure out what you need to live on, if you need to. Having some goals to work toward in realizing and actualizine your independence really helps give you a sense of self-control. Go to the library, or google some sites that might help you if you were to separate - knowledge is very soothing!! It is time for you to take care of YOU.
It is a tough thing to deal with after 18 years of pouring your heart and soul into a relationship that is not based on respect and trust. But it is what it is, as you have also come to realize.
I do not believe in divorce, nor am I seeking it. If he chooses to leave, I will not stop him. That doesn't mean, however, that you have to live in a "marriage" that just doesn't function. When be broke his vows to you, it ceased to be a "marriage", therefore he cannot expect to recieve the "benefits" of marriage. That is very tough to come to terms with. It is a "relationship", but not a "marriage". Marriage implies equality!
My decision is to be as reasonable as possible, courteous and fair. But I will no longer tolerate behaviour which is destructive, negative and hurtful. Whenever those occasions arise, I leave the situation until calm can be restored and sanity prevails!!
I had to go thru a lot of soul searching to come to this point, and here are some of the keys that helped me:
a) a book called "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud and Townsend (Zondervan Publishers) - google it and find a copy. It was invaluable in the progression to this point. Gives you back your self-esteem and is very encouraging - helps you realize you are not crazy for feeling this way.
b) a core group of friends who are not judgemental, will listen and support as you work thru this.
c) prayer....lots of it - tears, anger and all of it....God has big shoulders and can handle it - and He's up all night anyway!! He really does answer when we ask and listen. It can't hurt to ask!
I really do wish you all the very, very best - remember, you are unique and important - God thinks so, so who is anyone else to say otherwise!!! If you want to e-mail me, please do. I believe you can get it thru my profile.

Answer 2

because eventhough you know it's best for you to move on, there is the fear of the unknown - will i ever meet anyone else? will i find a nice place to live? will i be lonely? will i have enough money? what will happen to my kids if i get sick - etc... i went thru this & still am - i chose to leave my marriage after 21 years, but it is still scary to be on your own, but also a great feeling of freedom especially if you were being mentally/physically/verbally mistreated. my friends & family have been there for me all the way, but it's the nites that are the worst - when the sun goes down & you're sitting in a dark house by yourself you question did you do the rite thing? but then the morning comes and i know i could not take another day of unhappiness in a bad marriage. you have to reinvent yourself as a single person, decide what direction you want your life to take and then follow your heart. you'll get thru it, with a few bumps along the way!

Answer 3

Hello. Sorry you are going through this. Divorce is always tragic. You are afraid of the unknown. This is a very human way to feel. 18 years. Thats a long time. A long time to develop routines. A long time to develop comfort. A long time to develop a way of life. But that way is over now. And that is the way it is, and the way it is going to be from now on. Stay close to your support group (family and friends) and start making plans for this new chapter in your life. Yes, it can be scary. But, it can also be exciting, and fun too. Now is time for YOU. What do YOU want out of life? Where would YOU like to travel to and see and explore? What classes would YOU like to take to enrich your life???? Think about these things. And don't worry so much about money, if you are.....the Egyptians tombs proved "you can't take it with you" so enjoy and be grateful for what you have, and make an exciting future for yourself.

Good Luck to you!!!!

Answer 4

You feel afraid because you spent the last 18 years with someone and now you are going to be on your own. It is like when you first moved away from home. It had it's good and bad. With this look at it this way this is going to make you a better and happier person. Just hold on to the fact that you are doing the right thing and a lot of times everyone feel scared when making big changes in there life. Best of luck.

Answer 5

Yes divorce is a scary thing. You should be scared. Think of the better life you will have. You've been married a long time and your so attached to being married. It will be a whole different life for you and that's what's scary. It seems you came to terms that there is no hope for the marriage so I would take the next step. File for divorce. Life is to short to be miserable. It might take a while but you will make it through it with the help of family and friends. Good luck and take care!

Answer 6

Change is difficult, especially if you have been living the same life for 18 years. It's scary when you don't know what the future holds, or what will happen if you go a certain way. If you don't take that step, you'll always wonder what could be if you left him... and I think in the end you'll regret all the time you wasted with his infidelities and the turmoil of it all. You deserve better than that. You deserve someone who respects you.

Answer 7

you are afraid because married life, and especially for a long time as 18 years, have given you a sense of security and safety, which you will no longer have.what you need to do is build these inside yourself.i know how you feel...it's never easy having to deal with it, but never impossible.try to see more of your friends,go shopping, do things that make you feel good,redecorate, especially if you intend to move, give yourself a purpose, and fill your day with pleasant activities.if you ever feel alone, think of the fact that you were alone while married as well...and i'd rather be alone for real than alone with someone.learn to enjoy your freedom, do things you've always wanted to do but never had the timeor the courage.live your life to the max.live your life in such a way that when you grow old, and sit in a chair by the window, you will smile thinking of what you've done.it's not the house, the car, the money you leave behind that are important.it's what you gather inside your heart soul and mind.so start working on it.i wish you well, take care and be strong. :)

Answer 8

Well, you've been married for 18 years so a big change like separation and going through a divorce is scary. Important thing to ask yourself now is if you are financially able to live by yourself. Also, are you able to find moral support and help from family and friends? Do you have children? If they are still young, how will they be affected by this?

However, at the end of the day, you have to take stock of what's best for yourself. Believe in yourself and take each day as it comes with a positive attitude.

Answer 9

People often feel afraid of what they don't know will happen specially after major changes in life. You are leaving a place where you have been so long and "comfortable" with. It isn't much different then starting a new job. You need to stay strong and do what you think is right for yourself. One reason you are afraid cause the person you once went through things with will not be there for you. I hope this helps and if you need to talk feel free to. Sometimes the most help can comew from just getting things off your mind.

Answer 10

Wow you are a normal person. Hell, I feel afraid most of the time. I just got out of a relationship myself and it hasn't been a picnic either.

I immediately went out and found a cool job at the university, a paycheck helps with that fear factor plus relating to normal ppl who are not lying and cheating on you. When I'm home alone the weirdness and fear sets in, when I'm at work I'm happy as a lark and have lots of fun in the midst of lots of work which is good for the soul.

For ME I think it's staying busy, if you stay busy you are not so afraid and will even have time to laugh. Before you know it you'll be on your feet again and that cheatin' a**hole will be but a faint memory of how stupid we can sometimes be. I like the part when there is enough distance that you can look back and say, What in the HELL was I thinking when I hooked up with him?

Seeya, good luck.
Linda

Answer 11

This is going to perhaps seem a little off the wall to you, as clearly you have some fixed views on fidelity with which I am not in accord. Still, consider another perspective here if you will.

When I first met my bride to be many years ago, one of the things that attracted me to her (not the only one, but certainly of some importance) was that she was a desirable woman to whom other men were attracted as well.

Then we got married, and the relationship was very good, but lacking in something to my way of thinking after awhile. It took some time for me to realize it, but what I found lacking was that I liked the chase--the winning of her from other competitors for her affections. It seemed to me that thrill should not be a once in a lifetime thing.

So I began to encourage her to not sidestep other men's advances when she might otherwise, were it not for her being married, to act upon them, and every once in awhile she did, and indeed still does.

Now there are a few things to be said about this. I trust her judgment implicitly not to become involved with someone who has a raging case of STDs. After what is now 30 years of marriage, I also trust her to stay by my side. She isn't out there scouting for another mate, just an occassional lover.

Eighteen years is a long time in one's life to turn one's back on. Of course, you know what you can live with, and what you cannot, and there may be more to the story than simple sexual infidelity. But if that is the sole source of your complaint, or at least that and the deceit involved in carrying it off, you may want to reconsider your own views as to its importance in a relationship. From my own perspective, it was not only not important, but it was detrimental, as somehow I felt as though I had securely caged some wild creature only to find that once caged it could no longer exhibit some of the very things that made it so atttractive to me in the first place.

I love my wife. I always will, and I can stand the competition.