Just got married and my husband comes from a family and childhood that he always saw unfaithfulness, start from his father which cheated on his mom; his uncle as well repeats the same cycle and his friends are all being promisicous. Jusr in him telling me that he wants to resist tempation makes me feel unsecure and my trust is not the same in him. My husband past relationships have been very unstable and haven't lasted past 3-4months. I have also noticed that his sexual drive is very high and I wonder if that will make him cheat. He told me that he wants to do his best to always respect and be faithful and that he has never felt so happy and blessed in his lfie before. I'm very afraid that he will cheat on my in the long run. What should I do? I honestly am a bit hurt due to that I want a happy lasting marriage. Now I doubt if I made the right decision. He mentioned that this is the first time he feels that he has found someone special.
Thanks-a-million for your advice.
Cookielov
2006-09-15 02:23:57 · 20 answers · asked by cookielove1430 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You said that it bothers you that he said he wants to resist temptation, but firstly, he must have known that this would bother you, and he decided to tell you anyway. This shows me that he wants to be honest with you, even if it may hurt. Thus, if he is trustworthy to that extent, he is probably trustworthy enough not to cheat on you.
Maybe you and he have something special, and he doesn't see the need to cheat on you. Maybe his father and his friends didn't have that same bond that you and he have. His past relationships didn't last because he didn't find that someone special like you.
The high sex drive alone would not make him cheat.
Don't doubt that your marriage is the wrong decision based on something he hasn't even done. If you dwell on what could be, instead of what is a reality, your worst fears could inadvertently become a self-fullfilling prophecy because you would put too much negative energy into your relationship, and possibly blame him unnessesarily.
Consider that marriage was a mistake only if you don't have feelings for him, because from what you said, he does love you.
2006-09-15 02:37:23 · answer #1 · answered by c00kie 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A high sex drive is great, if you are worried he'll go somewhere else never refuse him. I think that you should not give your energy to these thoughts of him cheating on you. Do not give in to your fears and insecurities (they may end up becoming reality). Even though others around him have and he's grown up seeing this does not mean he'll do this to you. It sounds as though he doesn't want to be this way to you and that is why he discuss this with you in the first place, it may be a way of giving him strength when he talks to you about the issue keeping him on the path that is excepted that you've both agreed on.
Again I must say that marriage is for the mature and honest and very well communicative. There is no room for jealousy and a husband and wife should talk about all issues feelings, attractions and sex.
Try to think of your husband and you having a realtionship that is unconditional and truely work on having an uncondition one, if it is uncondtional and there are no limits then why would divorce or hurt be an issue? Talk too him often about your insecurity issues and discuss swinging - I know it sounds crazy and you might not want to do but it could have bennefits on your marriage and relationship, convience him that if he ever needs strange or any extra you will support that as long as you are aware of this and he isn't doing it behind your back. His feelings of this if he has any does not mean he no longer loves you but that you and he have reached higher means of trust and communication, he can open himslef and you can open yourself to a different side of eachother you's haven't seen and learn things about one another you didn't think were possible. Do this not so that you can use it against him later but so that you have a trust and communication between you both and that if the subject arises you both have alturnitives that doesn't mean divorce or cheating... It wouldn't mean if there was an experience like this between you that he or you would be unfaithful, sex is sex and sharing it with one another is openness and uncondtional love and friendship, affaris and cheating are unfaithful acts. Some may say that swinging is unfaithful in a sence but not in my eyes, I would rather be honest and know then be a lie and a cheat or have my husband doing things like this that I wasn't aware of.
2006-09-15 04:23:46 · answer #2 · answered by sophia_of_light 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Cookie.. i suffer the same fear of my husband waking up one day and wanting someone new.. and he's has zero past of infedelity in any relationships he's ever had.. but because "i've" had bad relationships im always waiting for the "bubble to burst"..(other men cheating on me) My husbands bio-dad cheated on his mom, and hurt his mom alot..and my husband watched the pain his mom went through, they divorced and his bio-dad left to never be heard from again leaving his mother to struggle financially with out any child support with 3 kids still under the roof.. (5 kids total).. my husband saw all the damage and felt the damage of not having a father in his life.. and He has fought like hell to not be everything his bio father is.. he is a very good husband and a great father .. so sometimes even though ur family has shown u the wrong way to be.. sometimes people choose not to follow the same paths as their parents, they learn from the mistakes that they made.. Although ur husbands relationships of the past didnt last very long.. maybe u should see the positive instead of the negative in that.. he married u.. he loves u, something those girls couldnt make him feel , u did.. so u are obviously special to him..
If your always searching for the bad things, u'll never realize the good.. dont panic untill theres something to panic about.. and so far it seems that u have a husband that truely loves u.. and doesnt want to repeat the cycles that those before him did.. love him and yourself enough to enjoy your life..banking on "what if's" only drives u crazy and ur spouse crazy in the end.. Trust me I KNOW... dont do that to him, or yourself.. its not fair to either one of u.. love him like no other woman can... dont spend what could be the happiest moments of your life dwelling in the past.. especially someone elses.. (his father, his uncle) they didnt marry u.. "he" did..
good luck..
2006-09-15 02:36:33 · answer #3 · answered by brwneyedgrl 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First, congratulations on your marriage...sometimes, because a person sees certain things around them while growing up, they tend to try and stay away from these things, particularly if there was a situation where they were affected personally. I have a sister in law whose entire family are alcoholics...she refused to go down that path and today, she remains the only one in the family that actually has a head on her shoulders.
By losing faith in your husband so early on, he's liable to eventually live up to that and decide that if you already don't trust him, why shouldn't he give you a reason. He sounds like he really wants to make things work so unless he actually does stray, it might be best to enjoy your life together and ensure that you are both happy for as long as you can. I doubt he will stray right now...he is tired of the 2-4 month relationships and I think he really does want this to last.
Support each other, be honest with one another and never let distrust come between you...always talk things out and as long as you both want to be together...it will work, but you have to want it to work.
Good luck
2006-09-15 02:33:08 · answer #4 · answered by dustiiart 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well all I can say is that's always the risk we take. Wether he's honest or not about not wanting to cheat on you is anybody's guess. You can't have a healthy relationship if you're always suspecting something of the other. It's just something you accept and IF it does happen that he's been unfaithful then you deal with it as it happens. I know it isn't easy but try not to think too much about it because it will put a strain on your relationship. Good luck!
2006-09-15 02:28:19 · answer #5 · answered by Mike 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I came from a family that did the same thing. I had a father that did that also. He could even joke about it. I can see it in my mothers eyes everytime he left the house. She knew where he was going. It tore her apart. I lived watching this for years. I always thought I could never do this when I get married. I am married now and my thoughts are the same. I could picture my mothers face, GOD rest her soul, everytime I would even think of it. It's not fair to my wife. If I was to do that I would think also that she's home sitting there waiting for me. I will not do that. Maybe, just maybe, your man thinks the same way I do and won't do that. Keep thinking that, it could very well be true.
2006-09-15 02:31:36 · answer #6 · answered by jepa8196 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all if he is getting all of his loving at home then he hasn't an excuse for infidelity. Second, is you have to come to the conclusion that if he really wants to fool around then he will find a way to do that whether he is 5 minutes away or 500 miles away.
You can't control that. You are new in your marriage and trust is something you will have to develop. Even people without his history mess around on their mates for a variety of reasons. You will fast push him in that direction with insecurity. Especially if he hasn't done anything to merrit the accusation. If you keep waiting for him to mess up he will meet your expectations. Be positive and take confidence in the relationship he has with you. If he should betray you then you will deal with it but don't agonize over what ifs? He married you and you have to let go of jealousies over other relationships. Look to your own upbringing to find out why you are insecure. You can't keep him a prisoner in order to satisfy that insecurity. Live your life day to day and you will see your trust grow. Trust is what binds you together tightly.
2006-09-15 02:31:40 · answer #7 · answered by GrnApl 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
everything in life is a chance... but in all fairness, if he's never cheated before with you or anyone else you don't have any reason to believe he will do it now. cheating is not something that one passes on throughout generations and if you start doubting or thinking that he will cheat on you in the long run you're putting both of you at a disadvantage. he will know that you don't trust him and hey, if he's gonna get doubted everytime he comes in late or can't account for his whereabouts, he might think it best to do the action for which he is being blamed!
don't worry about it from now... you'll drive yourself crazy, no one can guarantee a perfect and long marriage, like everything else, you gotta keep working on it... i wish you both good luck as you start your new lives together!
2006-09-15 02:35:23 · answer #8 · answered by asian chick 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Poor Cookielove..........put your heart at ease, tell your hubby about your fears and ask him if he would mind if the two of your went into some couples councelling. I can see where your coming from and I can see why your scared as many things are learned. It really would have been better if you and he had gotton couples therapy 12 months prior to getting married, but do it now as it will help both of you. It will cement the faithful chip in yur hubby and give you peace of mind and ease of heart within your marriage. Good Luck
2006-09-15 02:29:32 · answer #9 · answered by Linda 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should have some faith in your husband's character. You married him so you should now how likely he is to cheat. Also marriage is about comunication so tell him what you are feeling and you two can talk it over. If you truly love each other there should be no need to worry
2006-09-15 02:29:51 · answer #10 · answered by Buddha 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋