how do you leave someone who is abusive but that you love more than anything?

Question

i love my bf very much but he is very abusive and i want out yet i cant seem to find the strength to leave. i dont want to hear "just leave" because its not that easy. if someone has had similiar experience and got out how did you do it?

Answer 1

Hi Cherry,

It's hard to just break off a bad relationship even when you know it would be for the best, at least in terms of your self-confidence and even your physical safety.

Many women seem to struggle with this. They've grown to care about a man and committed themselves to making him happy and making the relationship work -- and find themselves in a spot where they realize he has not made the same commitment to them, yet they don't know how to move on.

The loss is like a death. And there's always that hope that "he will change if I just do more or stick it out and he sees how much I love him." I wish that was true, but usually it does not happen.

The sort of men who abuse women tend to be self-centered and indulgent to begin with, so they usually don't even recognize the woman's hurt, nor are they inclined to change just for someone else's benefit ... especially if the woman is doing a lot for him.

You know what? It's okay for you to still care about your bf... and still leave him.

Your leaving is not a sign that you do not love him as a person. It's simply a sign that, despite your commitment to him and the fact you care for him, you recognize that your relationship with him is so bad and destructive that it will not work and you cannot afford to stay.

If you have confronted your boyfriend on his abuse in the past and he has brushed you off, you already recognize that you want to leave. You know what you have to do, and just want the courage to stick it out and not fold if he comes after you.

Is there any other reason why you are still with him, other than the fact at one point you made the decision to care? Does having a bf make you feel more secure or whole? Does it give a sense of security? Sometimes women stick with bad relationships because they're trying to find completion or security and are scared that, if they leave, they will never find that anywhere.

The thing is, in this relationship, you really don't have either of those things either. An abusive guy is essentially just using the person he abuses, and when he sees someone he thinks he can get more out of and who will still put up with his garbage, he'll cut and run.

It's not easy, I know. It's hard to let go of your heart, accept the rejection, let yourself cry over the relationship, and then move on.

From a practical standpoint, I think you need to cut off all ties with this man. He probably won't like that. You'll need the support of your friends and family. Whatever you do, do not let him get you two alone in his attempt to "woo you back" -- it will probably be too hard to resist, and of course very painful regardless.

You'll have a lot of free time. Find something productive to do -- either time spent with your friends or family, or helping someone, or working out, or a host of activities. If you don't fill the time with positive things, you will (1) spend your time thinking about this guy and wanting to go back and (2) being vulnerable if he contacts you and wants you back.

I can't promise there will be someone else out there, although there probably will be (he will just take time to find). But you already know this relationship is awful, and if you don't leave, you won't be ready for that opportunity with a man who really loves you, when the time comes.

Think of your leaving as preparation for a real relationship... or at the very least, a chance to grow as a person, experience your freedom and indepedence, and learn to feel competent and confident with who and what you are.

Take care of yourself.

Answer 2

You are right it is very hard to leave, mostly I think because we keep hoping that we can believe them when they say its the last time that they'll ever hit us. But you know deep down it won't be and yet again you'll be back at square one, listening to the apologies after the beatings.

Do yourself a favour and tell someone in the family, or a friend so that while you battle with your decision to move out or not, at least someone is aware of what has been happening. And if you can't do that then call this number:

National Domestic Violence Helpline - 1-800-799- 7233

Best of luck and becareful!

Answer 3

the first problem we have here, is that you love him more than anything! What's with that? You are supposed to love yourself first, so right away we know that there is a problem with your confidence and self esteem. Noone is supposed to stay in an abusive relationship, something is so wrong with that picture! Hope you recognize that? I know you don't want to hear, just leave, but you know what, JUST LEAVE!!!!!!!!
There is no hope in staying with someone like that, and by staying with him, you are telling him that you are worth nothing and deserve nothing better than what he is giving you, which is abuse. Do you think that is what you are worth? Would your parents be proud to know that the child they raised and love is being tolerant of this type of treatment. Tolerating this behaviour is a reflection on your parents. I do hope you don't have kids, because the example leaves more to be desired! Come on girl, you are woman and I should hear you roar. Give yourself a chance to love and be loved in a way that is healthy, and it begins with you. Step up and step out, before he crushes you into the ground!!!!!!!

Answer 4

First of all I don't think you're really in love with him. You could possibly be in love with that guy you met before he became abusive. You are also swallowing his line and his vibe that you will lose so much and will lose your self respect if you leave him or tell anyone that he beats on you. I mean afterall what does it say about you if someone thinks you're so insignificant they can treat you like dirt and kick you like a dog?

Get that notion right out of your head, it's textbook abuse. If anything the whole world knows he's the real *** and you are too naive to see what's really going on. SUCKER. Boy does he have YOU buffaloed. You're really the boss, leave that sack of s**t behind even tho he'll 1/ make you feel like you're the big loser, 2/ will find another victim immediately as tho you never existed. And believe me he'll do it to the next one too. I'll bet you're afraid you're the only one he did this to, huh? Naw, he likes you to think it's you but it's really him and it will never end for him.

Linda

Answer 5

It will be the very hardest thing you may ever do in your life... keep telling yourself you are doing the right thing.

This isn't the way you want to spend the rest of your life... hopefully you don't have children involved, just remember it will not change, often we fool ourselves into thinking it will get better... 'after the work week, after the weekend, after that big deadline, etc." excuses are always made and it never gets better.

You are far too good of a person to put up with this, and there isn't anything you can do to change him. You need to keep telling yourself you can leave, you are a strong person, and you will get yourself out of this situation. If you aren't able do it on your own, call the woman's shelter in your area and they will be able to guide you through the steps to take.

I wish you the very best of luck.

Answer 6

trust me hon I know what you're going through - I tolerated the same thing for a long time with an ex as well until one day it just hit me - what the f*ck am I doing wasting my life on this? Common sense prevails eventually - but instead of waiting for it to come to you - make a list of the pros and cons - chances are the cons will outweigh the pros. Think about how much happier youd be with a man that loves you so much the thought of hurting you would kill him - life is short hon - dont waste on it on a man like your boyfriend. I know you love him and it WILL be hard, but I think half of it is down to how insecure these men can make you feel about yourself - find the strength and walk.

Answer 7

Sorry to hear you found one of the worthless pieces of s*** who give the good men a bad name. It won't be easy and i don't think you really love him, how can you love someone who treats you that way. I think you love the idea of having someone, but i know you can find a lot better. Find some people who will be there for you as a support to give you the strength for something you know you need to do not only for yourself but the people who really love you.

Answer 8

Okay, how do you love someone that abuses you? What is there to love about someone like that? He doesn't respect you, he obviously doesn't love you, and it will get worse.

"Just leave" is easy to say - and hard to do. If you need help and support, contact a local abused woman's shelter, or at least a hot-line, to get the emotional support you need to stand up for yourself before he hurts you seriously enough to put you in the hospital. . . .and he will if you stay.

Answer 9

My mother was abused by my father. She was really scared. But she knew it wasn't good for us to see. She got out! So can you! Look, that's not love! You shouldn't get beat up or put down.Listen to me, you need to get out before something worse happens. Please! Put your feelings aside. You don't need that. He has issues, and I'm sure he beats the crap out of you and says he's sorry and he'll never do it again, but he's not going to stop! This will ruin you. I know because it's been 20 years since my mother got out and she's still dealing with what happened. Call your local Battered Women's Project. They will help you and tell you how to leave. Please, don't stay..or you'll become a statistic!

Answer 10

The only person who can do it is you. Why would you want to stay in a relationship where the man obviously cares so little about you that he's abusive to you? What does that make you worth? That is right, nothing.

Pack your bags and move on and find someone who is worthy of you.