what do I do?

Question

My 12 yr. old son has been talkig back to us and it has gotten out of hand. My husband's approach is to come down on him like a ton of bricks. The problem is that even though we have been together for 9 years I feel that he hasn't established the type of bond with my son so he can do that ( he is the stepdad ). I don't want my son to hate us (him) and I'm afraid that he will want to go live somewhere else.

Answer 1

WHAT? Listen.... You are his parent. NOT his friend. He needs discipline. Not abuse but discipline. He will love you more for it. When you say something...That is it. And if you threaten with consequences.... FALLOW TROUGH.. Don't back down. Trust me he will be better for it.

Answer 2

You aren't married to this guy. You have no commitment to each other and your son knows it. He has no respect for you because you brought a man into the home and started "doing it" without benefit of marriage. And, how dare this man think he can get a positive result "coming down like a ton of bricks." You can only get to a 12-year old by taking an intense interest in him and his activities and his homework, etc. from day one. Kids know a phony when they see one. And you are weak and useless. By the by, where is his birth father? Was he a shack up too? and under what law do you think a 12, 13, 14, 15....etc. can "want to live somewhere else?" Of course he will run away, what is there at his house but two people who do not have a clue about how to raise a child. Get professional help for you and tell the unrelated ape to keep hands off. And move out and show your son you have some interest in him. Believe me, there are a few thousand people out here who would like a chance to adopt him just to save him. Shame on you.

Answer 3

Okay, first of all there is no reason why the step father shouldn't discipline the child. This gives him ground and respect, but the problem here is that you are not right there coming down on him too. Step up there mom! As far as him wanting to go live somewhere else, he is not old enough to make that decision by law and there is nothing he can do about it. You are the adult in this situation and you need to take control over it. If he hates you for it, that is fine, he will deal with it and then when he gets older he will thank you for it. You can't always be the good guy.

Answer 4

Your problem is easier as your son is only 12 years of age. Some talk back while others become defiant, lock themselves in their rooms and so on. And in most instances, harsh disciplinary actions tend to make things worse.

Checking your approach – you may not be aware of it or think that this is not important. But more often than not, our approach may be flawed or not accepted by our children, this is how it started.

Establishing communications with your son – I think this is very central to solving problems and here is my suggestion. Your son, beside the dislike in your approach, may have a lot of mental conflicts about what, I don’t know. However, I do not mean that you should check it out with your son right away. Bearing in mind that he is still a child, you will only to irritate him further.

Distract and solve later – instead do things together with him and sharing his interests. There are many things you can do just to get him talking to you. And be patient, as it may take 1year, 2 years or longer depending on how it goes. There will come a time when both of you are able to share problems and solve them together.

Good Luck.

Answer 5

Discipline absolutely must come with love. Usually a child is angry and talking back for a reason. Therapists will tell you there is something inside him that is screaming to get out - but instead of dealing with whatever the real problem is, he's "acting out" in other ways. You and your husband should sit down with your son and have a heart to heart talk about what might be bothering him. Then you set ground rules for respect and how to treat others, especially as parents since you are responsible for the house and why this is important. Then you have consequences for breaking rules. You can remove things that he enjoys (tv, video games, going out) when he breaks the rules, but also have positive consequences when things are done right and going well.
Regular consequences and rules set in a house will give structure and actually make him more secure. Your husband also needs to be patient as the new rules are worked out. He may also have issues that you and he may want to talk privately about. Some husbands were never cared for lovingly by their parents and just pass that down to those under them. Just because you were treated that way doesn't make it a good reason to treat other children that way. He should want to improve on how he was raised. As you lovingly speak with your husband about this privately, continue to show him respect and love, he prove to be less demanding.

Lastly: it's important for a man to be respected, but not to be a totalitarian. If it gets bad, it's not uncommon to see a professional counselor. Your son's future is on the line and it's important you develop his trust in you as parents so he can come to you as more difficult choices begin to come his way.

P.S. Pray for wisdom and guidance from God. And He will give you answers too!

Answer 6

Unfortunately if you think it is a problem you need to deal with it. Step children seldom have sufficient respect for step parents and whatever "relationship" you feel has not developed is usually the result unrealistic expectations.

Teenagers, as you know, can be very rebellious. However, following time proven methods consistantly do work to modify behaviors.

1. Make the behavior standards clear
2 Make the consequences of failing to meet the behavior standard known
3. And make the punishment certain.
4. Reward positive behavior

You will see improvement.

Answer 7

I'm going to turn 19 on the 22nd of this month and I know you may think that I'm too young to be giving you advice, but please take what I'm about to say into consideration. My mother was with her ex boyfriend for about 13 years and I could not stand him. He was a good man and I know that he wasn't perfectly human hell no one is, but that still didn't stop me from not liking him. Now that they've split up I realize that he's a good man and that he really did a lot for me (way more than my real "father" ever did) and that's he's a good person. Just go to your son and talk to him about what's going on and how you feel and if that doesn't work then you put your foot down. But my mother really didn't talk to me about it and see how I felt about the situation. And when she gave her ex some control over me that really put the icing on the cake. Your son is going to look at him like you're not my father and you can't tell me what to do and that's going to make him mad at you for allowing it. Yes everyone goes through a stage when they become a little out of hand, but his acting out could actually be a sign of some other things that are going on. Just talk to him and let him know that no matter what you love him and his step father does too, but he's not making it any easier on anyone. Then just pray on it because God doesn't put us through anything that we can't handle.

Answer 8

you need to handle your son- because you are his mother & you already know that he is more comfortable w/ you. ask him what is bothering him? maybe he is rebelling because he doesn't like his stepfather's aggressive approach? try to spend plenty of quality time with him & dont be the one to escalate the fights when he talks back- if you stay calm; chances are he'll learn from you.
just tell him you love him, and you want to hear what he has to say, and yelling won't help anyone understand eachother. Good luck!!!!!

Answer 9

Better to get tough with him now before he ends up going to jail or juvi. It's not going to get better if you wait. Put some fear into the boy and lay down the law....it's the only way. And, if he hates you for awhile, he'll come around. All part of being pre-teen and teenager.

Answer 10

You are the mother, talk to your son, love him and watch him closely. Discipline him with tough love, not abusive love. The step father needs to go fly a kite.

Answer 11

You need to set down boundaries and live by them. If he does not like them tell him he needs to find another place to live(do not really kick him out) Just scare him a bit. You should also talk to him on his level. Do not talk down to him, be understanding and firm. Have you ever asked him why he acts out? Maybe he will tell you.