I need another strategy for dealing with my husband...Advice welcome!?

Question

My husband is a great guy in most respects. Most of his flaws are just petty annoyances as I'm sure mine are to him. HOWEVER, I have never met a more lazy person in my life! He lays around, watches TV, reads "Sports Illustrated", talks on the phone, etc. But never, and I mean NEVER helps me around the house or with the kids. I have to beg him to mow the yard or take out the trash and usually I have to end up doing it because he doesn't. I've talked to him about this, yelled at him about this, cried about it...I'm wore out and he's not hearing me. We have 4 kids and a big house to maintain. I've threatened to call a maid service to help me out from time to time, but he says he doesn't want to spend the money. I just can't do it alone anymore. How can I get through to him that a marriage is supposed to be a team? (Please don't tell me to stop doing the cleaning, etc. because I would go crazy living in a dump!)

Answer 1

1) call a maid service and get some help when he sees how much it is going to cost him he might help in the house 20 call a lawn service and get someone to mow the yard again same thing. 3) you don't say how old the kids are but even at 4 they are old enough to help with trash, lower dusting things like that 4) grab your purse look him in the eye and tell him I am going to the store and will be back later the kids are staying with you and leave............make sure it is right before supper so he gets the full effect of having four kids screaming, crying and demanding something all at once 5) make sure you pick up after you and the kids quit doing HIS laundry don't worry about his meals or anything else when he runs out of clean socks tell him he knows where the washer is. My brothers wife went through this with him and she went one step farther anything of his that was where it wasn't suppose to be got pitched. Your husband keeps doing it because even though you have yelled and all of that YOU keep doing all of it so he knows he doesn't have to. Good luck.

Answer 2

The answer to this depends on whether you are both working, or whether he is working and you are staying at home.

If you are a stay-at-home Mom, then he sees it this way: his job is to earn the money and your job is to keep house. It's unthinkable to him that keeping house consumes as many hours as his work does. So he assumes you have free time when he's not there, which makes up for the time you spend in the evening while he's relaxing.

What I suggest you do is, buy yourself an appointment diary (one of those day-to-a-page ones with times marked). Then start keeping a record of what you do every day, hour by hour. Do that for a week.

At the end of the week, sit down with your husband and show him the diary, proving that keeping house IS a full-time job during the day and that you need his help in the evenings and on weekends. He needs proof that you are working hard, before he will believe you need help.

Of course, if you keep the diary and realise that there are a few hours every day when you are drinking coffee, chatting with your friends at the mall, or watching daytime soaps, then you have to be reasonable - while you are doing those things, he is at the office working hard. So he's entitled to the same amount of leisure time when he comes home.

The other thing is, take a good hard look at how you are running your household. How old are the kids? If they are older than 4 or 5, they should be helping you around the house - at least keeping their own rooms tidy. I remember seeing a Supernanny episode once, with a Mom just like you. At the end of the episode, it worked out that it wasn't her husband that was the problem. It was her - first of all, she was too obsessive about cleaning and so spent many hours every day doing unnecessary jobs and second of all, she wasn't teaching her kids to be independent, so they couldn't dress themselves or make their own beds or keep their own rooms tidy. If a child is old enough to go to school, they are old enough to start learning those things. I'm not saying this is you, but it's worth thinking about.

Answer 3

Well I'd just tell him if he doesn't want to spend the money tell him you would, it is your money too. And that he has a choice, to make, to either start at least picking up after himself, and help out or dish out the dough. Most married couples have joint accounts nowadays.

Why don't you take a holliday, just go to the bank take some money and by by la. He doesn't listen to you so all you have to do is call him and ask him how he is getting along, and when he asks where you are explain to him that you told him you were going on a break so he could experience the joys of house keeping for himself, and no don't take the kids, really you don't have to go far, but I would, he deserves to live what you have been living, some people don't learn otherwise.

The more you scream and nag him (he probably calls it that) he will close his ear and take off to an imaginary place. You probably can tell by the far off look in his eye. Don't worry he won't let the kids starve they will let him know in no uncertain terms, if he becomes cross, tell him you have had enough, rent that movie that has Roseanne Barr in it I believe its called She Devil, did you see it. Let him fend for himself, when he asks where is supper pretend you don't hear him. Just treat him like he treats you. Don't put up with abuse either, verbal and especially not physical, if he resorts to that charge him and leave you can do better.

Answer 4

You have some important decisions to make! If you know the money is there...don't ask...hire the maid service and the lawn service...

You have 4 kids that are getting impressions from your lazy husband that this is how it is done...you are tired and misused...you have to decide if this is what you want in your life...because your lazy, disrespecting husband is not listening.

While counseling will help you cope better...a maid and a lawn service will also give you time...to plan, to think, to have a few moments to yourself etc...another thing you could do...I know this is going to sound a bit tacky...no help...no sex...with some "animals" it works!

Answer 5

it's time to hire Merry Maids. if he truly hates the $$$ then he will start to help. If he truly loves the phone & SI & TV time, he will allow it. Somethings gotta give and you're enabling him by allowing him to be the head rooster over this domestic issue since he obviously doesn't earn a say in domestic affiars. just hire someone and if he throws a huge fit, read the story about the hen who asked, "Who will help me make the bread" from start to finish (children's book store!) and calmly explain to him that he can't call the shots when he doesn't do anything to help. Most important thing: BE CALM. Tears & yelling haven't worked in the past. He's an action guy. Only different ACTIONS will work at this point. Bless you dear!!!

Answer 6

Tell him that you are hiring a company to mow the lawn...and then hire the company. If he objects to this idea then tell him that he can either pay to have it done or do it himself. As soon as he has to start paying the bills he may start mowing it himself (Do the same with the snow removal, too). Tell him that you've hired someone to do the bathrooms and vacuuming once a week. Again, tell him that he can either pay to have it done or help you with these chores but, as soon as he has to pay the bills for this he may start pitching in to help. Even if he never begins to help at least you won't have to worry about these chores. Of course, you could always stop the subscription to the magazines (or throw them out before he gets home) and there are plugs on the TV and telephone that can be unplugged ,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Answer 7

Tell your deadbeat husband if he doesn't mow the lawn and take care of the outside things you will find a neighbor kid to do it. That will suggest to him that all the neighbors will know he isn't doing it himself. It might be just the threat to get him off the couch. Outside work is definitely his if he doesn't help inside.

Get the kids to help you a bit. You didn't mention their ages, but it is good for them to start learning a family is a team even if he doesn't know that. Amish children learn very young to help out and they grow up to be faithful, hard workers. Boys and girls alike.

With four kids and a big house to care for and no help from him you could certainly justify being "too tired" for romance. I doubt you want anymore children if you get no help from him.

This evidently has been going on for years, so don't expect him to change overnight. It will come slow and screaming won't change him only a steady resolve will work.

Answer 8

Does he work? Is he tired when he gets home from work? Is he truly lazy? That is all important information before offering solution/s.
In any event, I have some ideas. Cut the cable TV and use that money toward a maid services. Cancel the subscription to SI and use that toward a nanny. Dont try and "get through to him" until you have deprived him of these assets; that said dont forget to close the baby factory.

Answer 9

Yep, I'm in the same boat right now.. I don't have kids but I do work from home with occasional meetings and appointments. I usually keep the house clean but for the last two weeks it's been hard to kee the house model perfect because I sprained my left ankle. The doc told me to stay off of it. I know my husband works long hours and the first night he came home after my ankle got hurt he got sooo mad that the house was not clean and I had put things in the wrong places. (we are selling our home and when the realtors come with potential clients I hide his mess wherever I can). He didnt talk to me for one night. The next night we talked and he apologized for making feel like **** since I do have a sprained ankle and it's hard for me to clean after him. This week Ive had enough, I told him I am not forcing myself to clean when my foot hurts. If the dishes pile up than tough luck, if his dirty jeans and boxers are on the floor then im not picking them up. I still do some things but want to see if he actually follows through with what he had promised he would do to help me out during my recovery. It's beeen two days since the dishes have not been cleaned and he keeps piling up his plates as he is waiting for me to do it. Oh well.

So what im trying to say is guys will get away with whatever you let them get away with. It's like a double edge sword. If you clean they get away with it but if you dont clean YOU're the one who the lazy one.

My advice to you would be to sit down with him and discusss when you clean the house he needs to take care of the kids for the duration of the cleaning. That way you can take your time cleaning. As far as the lawn, set a schedule with specific times and dates. Put gold stars whenever he completes the task. YOur husband and Mine are kids so we have to treat them as such. Good luck. Let me know how it goes.

Answer 10

Hi, this is major problem with the male's specially who belongs to asia. Only and the only way is express ur problem to him in a peace full environment if it will not solve ur problem then go for some dramatic help....like u can tell him that u r ill and ur on rest and u can not do any thing for few days... or so on..this is first and last option which u can follow.


Bye n take care.