how should i feel that after six years my husband found out that he has a daughter from a girl that he slept?

Question

with twice and know he wants to be involved with this child and that i have no problem with but he doesnt want to tell the child that i am in the picture yet. he wants to wait and see how she takes it. but he wants to spend time with the mom and daughter for a while to get the girl used to him. my husband has always wanted another child and i cant give him one. my question is should i fear that he may decide to be with the mom so that they can raise thir child together. we have not had the best relationship but now i am really afraid that now that e may have someone to go he may leave me for good and i very much love him with all my heart and soul. but is it worth the fight for him if he decides to try and make a run with the mom. i am his fourth wife and we are both n our early thirties. any help you guys can give me would be greatly helpful thanks

Answer 1

I hope that he had blood testing done to make sure the girl is his. No offense meant to anyone, but that's a pretty long time frame that has one by to not have had previous knowledge about a child.

The girl is at least 6, so she is old enough to comprehend more than he realizes. Let him know that you want to be supportive to him, but that you feel you have a right to be involved. After all, you are the girl's step-mother. If she gets used to being around just the two of them, she may start to think of them as a couple, and dream of being one big happy family. It will be a huge disappointment when she finds out that there is another wife, and she will most likely take it out on you in anger.

In addition, they both may feel more comfortable around him with another woman there. The mother will want to get to know you before she allows the daughter to be at your house. She will also be more inclined to allow visitation away from her sooner if she knows that there is a good woman to take care of her child. No offense to your husband, but men aren't always up to the demands of a girl. There is too many things that are unknown to them, dolls, dresses, stockings, tangles in their hair, hair accessories, etc...

The girl may be more at ease if she meets you now rather than later, too. Besides the dreams of a family, she may get too accustomed to having her father to herself. If she does, you are the bad guy for intruding on their relationship. She may also think that she can't go to you with her problems if she only knows your husband. Think ahead to her first visit at your house. Would you want her to ignore you, disrespect you, not trust you, or treat you badly because all she knows is her father?

Now for your marriage :-)

If your husband wants a child, then maybe you two should think about adoption. There are so many kids in need of a good home that you could provide.

You are worried because you have had problems in your marriage. Who hasn't? There is no way to have a solid marriage without disagreements, arguments, and other things involved. Talk to him about your fears and feelings. Get into marriage counseling if you have to, but make sure that you are communicating with him. Don't keep things to yourself, get them out in the open. The more honest a marriage is, the stronger it gets.

Is he worth a fight? I don't know, only you can answer that one, because he has to be worth it to you, not anyone else. His other three wives didn't think so, but you are not them, and they are not you.

Answer 2

No, you shouldn't be worried that he is going to run off with the mom and daughter. You need to realize that even though you are his wife now, he needs to get used to this girl and she needs to get used to him. It is not even about you yet. He was decieved and now the slate has been wiped clean. They both have catching up to do and you really aren't in that picture until that catching up is done. My biological father didn't find out about me until I was 14 years old. I can't imagine how much hatred he felt towards my mother for not telling him all those years. He had a wife, a son, and a daughter at that time of his own. So, when he found out that I was his he spent a lot of time with just me. I never met his wife, my little brother or sister. Later on he decided that he didn't want to be in my life. So I guess the thing that I am trying to say here is that you should be elated that he is allowing this little girl into his life and that you should be patient and trust him enough to know that one day he will be ready to share her with you.

Answer 3

Step one: Get a paternity test. How do you know that the child is his? After establishing paternity, you need to go to the court and ask for him to be put on child support. It can come right out of his check. He needs to make sure his rights as the child's father are protected. Active child support payments are a good way to establish that.

Step two: Seek counseling. You're his 4th wife! You need to take him to a therapist right now in order to help the two of you deal with some deep issues. One of those issues being why would you ever marry a man that has been married three times before. And another being why did he cheat on you.

Step three: Plan for a breakup. I would start changing life and car insurance policies, setting up separate checking and savings accounts, and possibly looking for another place to live just in case he decides to leave. You could be in a seriously disadvantaged situation if you don't get your ducks in a row before he clears out (if he clears out).

Step four: Be honest with this child. Children aren't stupid. Lying to this kid about who you are could have a devastating affect on her later. Her mother slept with your husband and she was the result. That's what happened. There's a point where that will need to be revealed. For now, not mentioning who you are or lying about who you are is not going to help this child "adjust" anymore than her knowing who you really are. The adjustment story is the lie your husband told you to keep you blind to what may be going on behind your back...again.

Answer 4

hmm, difficult one this.

If your huband has been married 4 times and is in his early 30's he probably does not take his wedding vows very seriously, and its reasonable to assume he may not take your marriage very seriously either.

The presence of mother and child on the scene and hence the instant family appeal will definately be in his mind, the fact that he does not want you to be a part of his daughters life (yet) is also suspicious and suggestive that he does not want to confuse his daughter with a person that might not be around long......

Now, im just speculating here, so dont think that this is a sceanario that is about to materialise, just the humble opinion of an early 30's guy, I could be and hope that I am very wrong.

I think the only thing you can do at this point is to insist that you meet his daughter (and her mother) as she will be a part of your life too (you are her stepmother), observe his reaction to this to obtain the answer to his intentions....but tread carefully, whatever you do dont let it decay into a major bustup/argument full of accusations and assumptions as there is nothing more damaging to a relationship than a man who has 'options'.

Good luck

Answer 5

Oh my, oh my, oh my! If I didn't know better, I'd be thinking that I wrote this question!!

My husband slept with a woman (and I use that term very loosely!!) twice (we weren't married at the time - but were engaged - but broke up for about 5 weeks) and as a result of that (what's with guys not using condems in this day and age?) she popped up and said she was pregnant! We waited until the child was born for DNA tests (she lived 2 1/2 hrs. away and remember I used the word woman loosely?!) and lo and behold ~ the child is his!! He's never had any kids of his own, always wanted them, and we're still having our heads swim that she's really his! She's only 10 mos. old tho! She was 3 mos. old when he first got to meet his daughter. For the next 5 1/2 mos. he had to visit her in the presence of the mother, at her house, and I was to NOT be there for any of the visits!! But we finally got the chance to have UNsupervised visitation when she was 8 1/2 mos. old at OUR home!! She's a pure joy to have in my life even tho her mother is next to impossible to deal with, and she's soooooo sweet (to my face) now it makes a person sick!! She was soooo mean and spiteful before the judge ordered her to let us have the child without her present, that I didn't know if our relationship was going to last!! Thank goodness tho that her stupidness only made my husband despise her more with each visit he had to do under her VERY watchful eyes!!
You shouldn't worry too much. It is very surprising that he's been married so many times and still farely young! And the part where he doesn't want to tell the child about you being in the picture?! That's weird!! I do agree that he go to the child's home for visitations. She has to get to know this stranger who her mom is telling her he's her dad!! That's pretty profound on a young mind. But why did the mom tell him now - 6 yrs. later?? Did she test all other avenues (guys) for DNA testing and he was part of the "line up"? And why haven't you had the best relationship? Have you asked yourself, "Maybe it isn't me, but him not really contributing in making this relationship work. Maybe that's why he's been married so many times!"

And I don't really see why he would want to make a relationship with a woman he only slept with twice 6 years ago?! Doesn't that kinda say something about that situation? In other words, she was basically just a lay for him and just got caught with his "swimmers" connecting with her egg and vwalaa - baby!! Be happy for him that he did finally find out he has a child. Hopefully she isn't asking for back child support!! That'd be a hefty bill!! But let the child get used to him being in her life before you push yourself onto her. Patience, love, and a great deal of understanding is what you need to do now! Don't be worrying whether he's going to leave you, start becoming clingy with him, wanting to monopolize all of his time. He's trying to be a good man by taking responsibility in raising this daughter now. Let him do this, and if your marriage doesn't survive this, then honey it really wasn't a marriage to begin with!! Remember ~ keep telling yourself if it comes to that ~ well HE has been married FOUR times!! Good luck! Chin up!

Answer 6

if he wants to be with someone who didnt tell him about a child,what would that say about him?
I doubt anyone would chose that,even if you cant give him a child!
I disagree with him not telling the child about you though! that would tick me off good!
fourth wife,does not matter,I think marriage is just like any other thing in life,try it out and dont stick with it until you get the right thing for you,or person!
Ive been married 3 times and Im 32!

Answer 7

I can understand the worry. However, it may or may not be warranted. If he just discovered her existance, he might have or the court have decided to do it at the ex's residence until your husband and step daughter established a relationship.

Answer 8

whoa, he is on his fourth marriage and he is in his early thirties. Honey seems to me he has a pattern of being selfish. i hope you put your foot down or better yet in his @$$ because he is trying to shove you out of the picture when it comes to the kid and mom. If you are having these kinds of doubts there is probably a reason. Honey, you deserve better.

Answer 9

YOURE HUSBAND GIVEN YOU A STUPID EXCUSE FOR WANTING TO BE WITH THIS OTHER WOMAN I KNOW THAT CHILD SEEN HER MOTHER WITH OTHER MEN SO WHY NOT ENVOLE ALL 3 OF YOU IF IT ISNT NOTHING AFTER 6 YRS COME ON NOW A CHILD OF 6 KNOW MORE AND CAN UNDERSTAND DID YOU ALL GET A DNA TEST

Answer 10

Don't let your fear overtake you, however he should be honest with his child from day one. you should talk to him as to why he wants to deceive his child, that speaks volumes of his charterer.