What to do about a lying husband?

Question

We use to fight like crazy but I imagine most newly wed couples do. Our marriage use to be so hot and cold. We would have frequent fights, sometimes really big fights but when we didn't fight were so unbelieveably amazing together. It made it all well worth the bad times. It's been a little more than a year and a half of being married now and the arguments are really starting to die down. We're learning from eachother and have a better idea of where eachother is coming from. He left for Iraq Saturday and I came across his yahoo answers account yesterday. I thought it was the coolest with me being so disconnected from his life while he's in Iraq. There were some questions that made me laugh like I do when I'm with him. It made me feel closer to him.

Then yesterday I came across alot of mean questions about me on his yahoo answers account. Some of his stories on here about me are so distorted that I know he did it intentionally. The question that hurt the most was about a miscarriage we had. He said that I was more light about the baby part of the situation which is true. We were less than 2 months pregnant when it happened and I didn't feel a connection. It never felt like a real baby inside of me and it's just easier for me to not think about the person he or she would have grown up to become.

Then he quotes me to have said "get over it and stop being a baby" about the miscarriage and asks everyone if he's being a baby or if his wife is just "crazy". That's a horrible thing to say and I never said it. I do admit I've said some pretty mean things to him in the past like I want a divorce when I'm emotional (not just when I'm pregnant) but he's done similar things. We both have things to work on.

But why would he create such a big lie about something so long ago?

and then he chose a girl that pretty much said he's too good for me to be his best answer.

You can check his questions to see his side of the story but if you care, this is what really happened:

I've never said "you're a big baby and get over it". I'm pretty hurt he said that. During the first miscarriage my doctor was concerned that I had a tubal pregnancy or something else severely wrong with me. They said that I might have to have surgery. Ben looked really sad but he was only sad about the baby. I tried so hard to cheer him up while I was also sad about the baby and worried about my health. At that time we knew that the baby wasn't going to happen but did not yet know about my well being. He was so stuck on the baby and never once showed his concern for me. Instead he got angry at me for not being sad enough about the baby. Why would you try to make someone that is already so sad in that type of situation even more sad? I was going through a hard enough time as it was. Husbands are suppose to be supportive and make situations like that easier to deal with but he made it worse. When I brought up his lack of concern for me it would turn into a big argument because he was mad at me for not being sad enough about the baby. I was in tears but he didn't care because I "didn't care enough about the baby". I just have a different view on it. I try not to think of the person he/she would have grown up to become because it makes me sad. I figure god has a plan and I'd rather think of it as a really bad period because that's what I would have thought if I hadn't had a positive pregnancy test. You (everyone who wrote mean comments about me or thinks so little of me) can't tell me the baby has or hasn't a soul. That depends on your beliefs and you can't push your beliefs on people who don't want them. I don't know what I believe in. I go back and forth but it's just easier for me to think miscarriages are for a reason, that we would have otherwise had a very misfortunate baby and if I'm wrong I don't have to be sad while I'm on earth and I'll see him in heaven.

I'm looking for constructive feedback so don't trash on my hubby! There are so many good things about him you don't know about.

devil_que...

We check eachothers accounts when we miss eachother. It's our way of feeling closer to eachother. I don't have a yahoo answers but he checks my myspace all the time. Get over yourself, lol

Answer 1

Welcome to the internet, it's fantasy land. My take is that he was deliberately asking the questions in a distorted manner to gain insight and other perspectives. This has nothing to do with reality. If he loves you and tells you it's a certain way, then accept that it is that way. DO NOT make the mistake of taking something seriously that he wrote in fantasy land. To do so would be to stuff up a great marraige that you guys worked hard on. All the very best to you.

Answer 2

I can totally relate to the first year & a half being stormy, and I've heard that from others too. I think you have to put in perspective the timeline. If I read this correctly, he wrote those things when things weren't going well between you. When you're angry at someone & things are heated your opinions can be very distorted. Obviously he was just looking for someone to side with him to make him feel justified or to vent his anger. If things are good now then just focus on that. You can't change the past & if your relationship has grown & continues to grow then you are moving in the right direction, don't slip backwards based on emotions & words from a bad time. This platform allows you to be anonymous & he probably never intended to express these emotions to you. There is a good chance that he will be extremely mad & feel betrayed that you have gone through his account. It is an invasion of his privacy so be prepared if you decide to discuss this with him.

Answer 3

This will shock you but have you ever thought that you 2 are different. You both have to understand one another on this. You need to understand how he is feeling and he needs to understand your side. The 2 of you seem to have a hard time talking like adults and listening to one another like adults. Love can heel anything unless the other person does not want it too. the 2 of you need to have a sit down with ground rules. One person can voice their thoughts without being put down by the other. Then the other does the same. You have to be listening to hear what you need to hear. Him saying those things to someone on her is his way of dealing with what happen. He loves you but he also wants a child. He felt like you did not care enough and that is why he got angry. He needs to understand where you are coming from. It is not that you do not care it is that you chose not to be destroyed by something that you knew that you did not have. Nothing is so messed up that you can not fix this. all you have to do is LISTEN!

Answer 4

I can tell you one thing, when you are pregnant from a guy that loves you they feel that it is such an honor. They get really thrilled about it. My husband wants for me to be pregnant so bad. I am a very active person, and work in a high stress environment, meaning that my period is never on time. Every month before my period he goes around telling people that I am pregnant "very proudly". We have wasted so much money on pregnancy tests. Those things aren't cheap. I almost feel guilty when my period comes.


Point is, he is deeply hurt over the loss of your unborn child.

Answer 5

I can understand him being upset about wanting a child and losing it i happen to believe like you that everything happens for a reason and that until a child can live without being connected to it's mother its only the mothers choice i can not begin to imagine how upset you must have been at his lack of concern for your well being though and to come on here and ask strangers about a private situation for y'all is just wrong however you said he has many good qualities so i would say let him vent on here screw these people and keep your marriage as happy as you can

Answer 6

WOW...do you feel better getting that all out. Its like being heard...telling your side of it. First...who gives a rats rear what these others wrote about you. Pfffftttt....they probably wanted your hubby for themselves. Anyways, I totally understand what your feeling. I went thru a miscarriage and felt sad about losing the baby but also realized there was a reason for it and not to question God's ways. As far as your hubby writing what he did about you was probably his way of looking for some sympathy. It seems to me your hubby was really looking forward to a baby and was having a hard dealing w/you not being as emotionally destraught as he. You kept your head on straight and handled it your way just like he handled it his way. We are human and far from perfect. Dont fret over this to long..let it go and move forward before it eats at the core of your relationship.

Answer 7

You guys obviously need to talk more. If he is using Yahoo answers to get sympathy rather than talking it out with you, you really need to fix it.

Communication, compromise, commitment, honesty and flexibility are the keys to a good marriage.

If you are having troubles communicating before you even have kids, what is it going to be like afterwards, when the baby takes up all that free time?

Fix it now, before you bring another person (baby) into the relationship.

Answer 8

Well I would say,, when he returns that you have a heart to heart talk with him concerning what's the number one important thing in his life. Then apologize for any harsh words that has went on from you. Then suggest that you have thought it over and in your opinion, the death of the baby has changed his attitude towards you and you, yourself think counseling will help the both of you guys understand and realize that its nobody's fault... That's what i would say if I were in your shoes... I hope that helps a little

Answer 9

Hey Although its upsetting, its really just an outlet for him. Hes looking for a Little empathy and an alternative point of view. He knows that hes exaggerating, but its an outlet and hes happy to have it. It similar to when girls talk about their men behind their backs. Be honest how often are you objective when talking about him

Answer 10

ask him why he lied about these things, but whatever you do wait until he gets home. He has enough on his mind just trying to stay alive and missing you. when you do ask him let him know you came across his account while he was gone so he understands that you know exactly what he said. good luck to you, and bless him and all the soldiers protecting our freedom.