this is complicated. ill try to keep it simple.?

Question

my wife and i have been together for 7 years. we have kids. its best to let ya know first hand she is bipolar. ANYWAYS, she left me and the kids @ the end of february. she's been gone since then. she sees my kids every now and then. since febr., she has been involved in adultry-we are still leagally married-and drugs. she is leaving for chicago this saturday with a "friend". she has admitted to havin sex with this guy. she says she is going there for 3 weeks to get clean--whatever. she says her and this guy are just friends. hes a bum and uses her for her car and cash.
i have ignored her the last 6 weeks. ive been getting myself together, id like to think so. im havin really bad regrets tonight. after all that has gone on, i dont want her to leave. how messed up is that? i dont want her back the way she is.ive told her this. at the same time, i dont want her w/ anyone else either. she says she dont want a divorce. im sure i look like an idiot. but i do love my wife. what do i do?

Answer 1

don't be scared to start from scratch. I know you just don't want to be alone. It's okay. you'll do fine.

Answer 2

It is very understandable that you still love your wife and want her to stay, you are not an idiot for feeling that way. The best thing is that you understand her illness, my heart goes out to you and your little family, even her. Have you tried to talk with her family for guidance? Do you think that all of you as a whole can talk her into getting help with out this new friend? Also, there "may" be legal ways of getting her help. When is the last time she has had her meds? This probably has a lot to do with her behavior right now on top of the drugs. Try to get her alone with you away from the friend and use her kids love for her against her if you have to and try to talk her into getting help "with" you. Let her know how much you love her and that it would kill you and the kids if she leaves and that you want "her" back in your life and in your heart. Her problem is that she is very confused, but she does know she doesn't want a divorce, that is a plus. Don't ever think you are messed up for loving her and wanting her back. My prayers are with you.

Answer 3

You need to focus on the fact that you have kids....AND THEY COME FIRST!!!! You have got to let her go (she will anyway) and you need to go see a Lawyer about getting custody of your children and see that she either cannot see them until she gets clean, or at least that she have only supervised visitation with thqem. You don't have any idea how bad she may have already messed their minds up, but it needs to end now.
Get a divorce.....there is nothing that says that divorces are any more final than marriages are....who knows...it may shock her into realizing what she is losing and she may just get her act together and somewhere down the road the two of you can always hook back up again and have another wedding...maybe one that will actually be happy.
Your happiness has got to come after that of your children. Right now you are all that they have and you have got to give them some stability and sense of knowing that life isn't always a bowl of cherries, but you can survive as a familly unit with at least one normal, loving parent.
Don't talk bad about her though in front of the kids, no matter what she has done. Just explain that mom has some severe issues that she needs to be working on, but it doesn't take away from the fact that deep down she loves them very much.
Good Luck.

Answer 4

There is nothing you can do until she decides that she wants to change. You can't do it for her, she has to make up her mind to do this. When drugs is involved it even makes it that much harder, all they seem to care about is the drugs. Its also worse when kids are involved. They ask about there mom and you don't know what to tell them, so you make something up. Eventually you will have to be truthful but only when there at a age to understand. I do feel your pain friend. I kinda went through and still am going through this with 2 boys of my own. The only difference is we were already divorced when she got into drugs. I have had my boys for 13 years now. There mother is pretty much still the same, she has been in at least a dozen rehabs but only because she had no choice, it was either rehab or jail. Thats why I say they won't change unless they really want to. I did remarry 14 years ago to a wonderful women who has been the best mother to my boys. If she wants help then support her, If she doesn't I would suggest you move on with your life. Either way I do wish you and your family all the best.......Take Care....Ps I failed to mention that my ex was found to be bipolar also.

Answer 5

I think that the first think you should do is go to counseling. Most churches offer it for free, or for a nominal fee if you are not a member.
I understand that you love your wife and love can bear up under a lot. But someone has to love you and your children. I am sure that she doesn't want a divorce, you a beautiful man, at least from what we can tell by this question. Your love is pure and your heart is strong. You deserve that love in return.
The only way to change a person is to change how you act and react with that person. Your wife will never get clean if you don't make her clean up. That may mean getting a separation, or even a divorce. But if she is not going to keep her vows....that is grounds for divorce, and a lack of love and respect.

Answer 6

When you said that she doesn't want a divorce, there's hope that you may have a reconciliation. Why? Because if she doesn't love you anymore, the first thing that she would want to have for sure is a divorce.

May be, her subconscious mind tells her to make your family whole again but because of her sins against not only you but herself being adulterous and a drug-user, she may really want first to rehabilitate herself. At least, she said that what she would do was to clean herself. This is a sign that she already has realized her wrong doings and just hope that when she awakens from that deep slumber, she will be a better woman and wife.

Now, if you really love your wife, she needs your support at this point, and the assurance that despite what she did and has become, you will understand her and take her back.

If you find the appropriate time to talk to her, tell her that you still love her and that you are willing to help her in her turning over a new leaf. Ask her if she will want to go back to your arms because you are more than willing to take her back again.

But before the reconciliation, she should have understood that she should not go back to her old self again because what she was should be a thing of the past. Tell her that what matters most is her acceptance of her weaknesses that she should overcome.

Always remember that love is forgiving and one's forgiveness should be coming from one's heart. Forgive your wife and love her more for as long as it takes. Good luck.

Answer 7

it's OK to still love your wife there is nothing wrong w/that anyway there really isn't a whole lot you can except talk to her are try to there is one thing you have to remember when drugs are involved which is unless the person thinks they need help you cannot help them i know this because i have 1 cousin that was into drugs real bad finally she went to jail and no one bailed her out anyway when she finally did get out of jail she cleaned up went to counseling rehab, and dropped the friends she used to hang out by the way she has 4 children who for most of there life she wasn't around , however she has been clean for 7 yrs and her and the kids are doing well she has a good job and she is a good mom the kids are all on honor roll , but the thing is she knew she needed help and she wanted it , but no one could make her do it it was a decision she had to make on her own, so the only thing you can do is make sure she knows you love and are there for her , good luck i hope everything works out

Answer 8

If you have health insurance you get her into rehab. Your insurance can be contacted 24/7 usually and they can help you find a place for her to go inpatient and get the the help she needs. Even if it does not work between you and her, if she gets sober and clean she can still decide to divorce or get counseling with you and try to work things out. Children need to see that adults can have problems, drugs, mental health issues, etc, but also that there is help to change and get better. The kids and you will go to counseling with her in the rehab program and hopefully everyone will benefit from this, especially your wife. I think love and respect fall hand in hand, if you dont respect someone, it is hard to love them. Good Luck

Answer 9

Honestly you should go file for a divorce as bad as that may hurt time heals all things and can it really hurt worse than it does right now? As for the kids if your wife is doing drugs and has the kids hanging aroung her bum drug addict friend that uses her why would you still continue to give her rights to your children? THink about your kids and there needs above your own, Yeah i'm sure they love there mother but is that really whats the best for them? Is it whats best for yourself? Fibd you someone who can appreciate you for who you are and not what they want to be, being bi polar does not give her the right to treat you like your nothinbg to her and thats what she is doing if she loved you then she couldn't do that to you! She doesn't want a divorce because she's in the wrong and will be in a court of law also! Use your head and do whats right not what you feel like you want too!

Answer 10

Bipolar or not, you have you and your children's happiness and peace of mind to think about. I know it is hard to let her go, but sometimes there is nothing else for it but to release it. It will be hard for awhile, but soon enough, when the time is right, you will meet the perfect someone. Don't cling to the hope of what could be when it appears the other person in the equation is using you and stringing you along for their own purposes. Stand up for yourself and your children and get on without her. You will be glad you did when you discover you are a vital, intelligent and desirable man with principles, perfectly capable of taking care of yourself without an abuser in your life, no matter how much you love her.
Good luck

Answer 11

I hate to hear that you are going through so much.But I do know how someone with bipolar is like.My father has had it for almost 30 years now,and he suffers everyday of his life.I know that this will probably come across as cruel,but I do believe,that if she is treating you this way,and basically abandoning her children,it would probably be better to go ahead and cut ties with her now.If you could just think about how much her disorder and her fading in and out of her children's lives will hurt your kids,you'll decide to go ahead and start the beginning of the rest of your and your children's lives,without her.I'm not saying just never speak to her again,but it would be better for everyone if you all went your seperate ways.I love my father dearly,and it is so sad to see him without a girlfriend or wife,but it would also be so sad to see someone else being drug down into his hell too.Because remember,it's not only your wife that has her problems,it travels down to all of you,especially the children.just my opinion,I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide.