how can you leave the one you love after 32 years...when you don't want to say good-bye PLEASE HELP ME!?

Question

His idea to separate, he loves me but not in love with me, no other woman or man involved, we are best friends and have just lost ourselves but he wants to be alone....period....we had our troubles last fall and tried since then but nothing has changed...I feel so alone and tomorrow is my 50th birthday and my two kids want to take me out with my grandkids too, I don't feel like celebrating let alone eating a meal. He was my first and only love..I feel lost and alone and I just cry since I think of what lies ahead and what we could have and should have been doing together. Thanks to all who have answered I appreciate any advise, I do not attend church and cannot depend on even that since that has let me down in the past.

Answer 1

I am assuming that this person is alive and you have tried all reconciliation and have no choice. Well, that can be devastating, but you can make it. Unrequited love hurts no matter how many days, weeks, or years you have endured loving someone who just doesn't love you back. I have 10 thoughts for you that I hope will help.
The first thing I would suggest is to stop focusing on the number of years. This only tortures you.
Second, I would have you admit to yourself that part of the problem with this departure is you will feel undefined now. Well, we all go through that stage in life, with or without a partner. Middle age is considered the period where we suffer a "crisis of urgency" to define ourselves in the world according to human development theorists like Erickson. Do some reading on this. Having your love depart during this time makes it a bit more emotionally difficult, but you would have suffered the anxiety and wonder about your sense of purpose anyway around this time, so take it easy.
Third, I'd say deal with your feelings. Get angry, cry, and then accept this "death" of a relationship. Read Kubler-Ross (on Grief) to help you with your justified grief. When you understand the stages, you'll adapt better.
Fourth, if you follow the reading assignments I suggested (you can find them in the public library in the psychology sections) you'll have something to focus on that will lead to your improvement and keep you from focusing on your loss. Do this and other things that lead to both distraction and self discovery. Take up a hobby. Join a salsa dance class. Redo your hair. Caution, don't make any really major decisions that would be difficult to undo right now.
Fifth, don't hesitate to get counseling if you find yourself getting depressed. Feelings of hopelessness that endure for more than two weeks after a major loss or are accompanied by any combination of symptoms such as anxiety, loss of appetite, sleep pattern changes and disruptions are good indicators that you have passed from sadness into a major depression. If you do, please seek help through talk therapy and/or appropriate medication. You can recover.
Sixth, remember although this change has apparently been forced on you, just because you have been victimized doesn't mean you have to be a victim! You can process through this and live a meaningful life doing things for yourself that you were not able to do with a partner. Look forward to this freedom.
Seventh, remember the scripture "vengence is mine," saith the Lord. "I will repay." Whether or not you are a believer the word of God is true. He allows the sun to shine on the just and the unjust. Don't get caught up in holding on by being vengeful. You've had a long time with this person. In time you will perhaps be able to look back on memories and cherish them. Being mean now will not keep your mate. Letting go and being generous about any division of assets will free you much sooner from your pain.
Eighth, pray. If you are agnostic or atheist, I offer Christ to you. He will give you peace that passes all understanding.
Nineth, you will love again. If you work on evolving as a person, it is never too late to love. Knowing this has healed my broken heart many times. Take your time! Don't let this make you bitter, let it make you better!
Tenth and finally, God bless you.

Answer 2

I recall Dr. Phil saying if you can't walk away from a relationship and feel absolutely nothing, then you're not ready to end it. Whatever or whoever is wanting to end a relationship, but love is still involved, has a chance. Seek help! You've turned to this forum, probably because it is the least personal, fastest and right at your fingertips. You sound like you're pretty frantic right now!

Now you need to take it closer to home. If you go to church, seek out your pastor. They do a lot of counseling! If you have insurance, many policies pay for marriage counseling. (or couples counseling) You were vague about your particular circumstances. Talk to the other party whom you want to leave or who wants to leave you. Communication is key, but again, you are likely to need a neutral third party to keep things cool.

Good luck! (My marriage survived and we'd been married 28 years.) Don't despair. I will keep you in my heart!

Answer 3

I left after 32 years of marriage. But it was an abusive marriage. One thing though was that I didn't really love him for the full 32 years, but I did care about him. But, when I did leave I took what I really needed, left a note and just left. I knew where I was going, how I would get by, and who I could count on to help. I haven't looked back for the 2 1/2 years. Good luck to you.

Answer 4

my wife of 35yrs left me 1month ago to live with a man she met on the net she didnt say goodbye just left a note saying there was no one else involved that hurt more i think , if you are leaving dont do this face him and tell him.try to keep communication open if possible so that there is no acrimony it only leads to bitterness and revenge both of which will destroy you more all i can say is time will heal, it sounds corny but its true.use a coucillor to help and medication if needed good luck and best wishes

Answer 5

Isn't there at least one more thing you could do to try to work it out? 32 Years is a long time and believe me, it's not all that green of grass on the other side. Best of luck but I hope you don't have to say good-bye.

Answer 6

I feel your pain......but, unless both of you elect to go for some counseling to help heal whatever is breaking you up, one sided love just doesn't work. You must learn to accept what life throws at you and move on. If not, you will always remain miserable. Join a group or try doing some charity work........anything to be around people and get your life back on track.
Best wishes!!!!

Answer 7

It would have to be real hard. I can't imagine my husband not being there with me. Is he the one who wants to say good-bye? Is there someone else? If he's been cheating on you. You could focus on that so that it would give you a reason to be mad at him. My dad walked out on my mom after over 30 years of marriage. He left her for another woman. My mom just concentrated on the fact that he had cheated on her with another woman to get her through it.

Answer 8

do the best you can. If its working for you both then work on it. If not, time to move on. When its over its over.A life or death sort of thing sometimes but we only get what we earn emotionally from someone, things change, people change, luck involved too. Maybe you will find someone better, maybe you get him back. Good luck.

Answer 9

leave a note, and if ou dont want to say goodbye it means you probly still have feelings for that person, if your married and your cheating you shouldnt leave... Youve been together that long already so you should figure out whats wrong before leaving.. Unless hes abusive im sure whoever it is your leaving for probly isnt worth what you have with this other guy.

Answer 10

why are youleaving if you dont want to say goodbye? is it a co-dependant kind of thing? is the relationship abusive mentally or physically? did either of you cheat? is it a trust issue? cant help w/o more info. e mail me if you want to go further..