My cat died and I'm not telling anyone..?

Question

My 18 year old diabetic cat had to be put to sleep a week ago and I'm not telling anyone BECAUSE in the last month of his decline my friends and family have tried to help and cheer me up with...
*It's his time*He had a good life*He'll go to a better place*It's not your fault*Lots of talk of animal heaven and the rainbow bridge..
My human friend is also dying of liver cancer and I'm dreading the peptalks to come. Having never yet(knock on wood) dealt with the death of a close friend, family member, long-term pet(until a week ago) I'm curious..2 questions.
1. What is the worst thing, even trying to be helpful, that someone can say to a greiving person?
2. Not that's it's ever easy, but is death easier to accept after a long illness, because their suffering is over and you had a chance to begin to expect and accept it but you are left with the memory of their pain? Or is a quick and sudden death easier for the people left behind, because their memories are mostly happy?

Answer 1

1) It's not what they say, it's how they say it. Forgive anyone who has put their foot in it but is otherwise respectful, and distance yourself from anyone who is deliberately rude and insensitive. J.J. (who was one of the first to post an answer) is a good example of this. He simply isn't cleaver or mature enough to know any better. And look at his grammer, obviously not very bright, so forgive his ignorance. He made a fool of himself.

2) You're right, it's never easy. Though I believe death is at least a bit easier to accept after a long illness, as it gives you a chance to get used to the idea that this person is not going to be with us for much longer. And when they do die, you can console yourself with the fact that their suffering is over. When my Mum died a couple of years ago, it was a blessed relief for everyone, as her decline started about five years earlier, developing blindness and Alzheimer's; though her suffering went on just a bit too long. But at least she also made it into old age. My friend's mum was only 45 when she died, which puts things into perspective.

I believe it is also easier for the sufferer to die this way rather than having the rug pulled from under them and suddenly finding themselves on another planet / heaven, or wherever it is you go to when you die. As long as it isn't a VERY long illness. But like you say, it's never easy, just a bit easier.

I currently have three cats. The first two that I had were both 17and a 1/2 when they died (though not at the same time). They gradually lost weight during the last two years of their lives and the vet said they had a terminal illness, probably liver failure. Although I was sad for them, I was able to accept their deaths. I mean look how long they lived for. They had pleasant lives, so what more can you ask? Some cats live dreadful lives; they aren't so lucky.

I also had a cat called Smokey. She went out one evening, never to return. I spent the next week or so roaming the streets and calling her name, phoning vets and cat rescue places to see if she'd been brought along injured or simply handed in; all to no avail. What I didn't do was go back to the house where we used to live and see if she'd made her way there. It's about 300-400 yards of winding streets away and I didn't think it was possible. I now know that cats have made their way home over greater distances.
I find smokey's disappearence and probable death far more difficult to accept.

Why don't you write to your friends and family to tell them about the death of your cat, explaining that you're not ready to talk about it just yet?

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend and your cat. Remember though, console yourself with the positives, even though it's hard.

Answer 2

First, I am SO sorry about your cat. Yes, he was with you a long time, etc, but - he was your friend and confident for 18 years. If you were close to him, he transcended the role of "pet" to family. People who don't have pets - or only have "animals" don't understand that relationship.
I do see that you don't feel you want to share your grief over him with your friends while your friend is dying of cancer. This puts you in a lonely place. You need comfort. Is there perhaps a pet loss support group in the area? Your vet should know if there is.
What is the worst thing you can say trying to be helpful to someone who is grieving - I think you pretty much heard most of them from your post. Two more, "it's for the best" and "at least they aren't suffering anymore." Most of those platitudes give me the shivers. What is probably the simpest and best - just saying "I'm so sorry."
As for your second question - I don't really know which is easier. Both my parents died following long illlnesses - you get a chance to "adapt" and say "goodbye" but the reality hits hard, and the lonliness is fierce. When someone dies quickly, the reality is somewhat dulled at first by the shock. But, in the end - it's hard. It's long, deep and painful to lose a loved one.
I hope any part of this has been helpful.
But, please, know that you have my deepest sympathy at the death of your kitty. I've been in your shoes - I share your tears.
When the time is right - I hope you will step forward and bring another homeless cat into your home and heart.

Answer 3

This is a difficult subject, and my condolences for your loss.

To address your first question, I suppose the worst thing that someone could say to try to comfort you largely depends on how you handle grief. Just know that all of those things, even the seemingly corny and annoying ones, come from a good place in the people saying them, and they genuinely care for you, even if they don't understand you well enough to know the best kinds of things to say.

As far as the second question, the process of coping with a long-term illness is doubtlessly more draining and difficult than dealing with a sudden loss, but will generally be less traumatic whent he subject finally passes. I have never had a pet or loved one die suddenly or unexpectedly, but I can imagine that the experience is very jarring.

When you anticipate a death over an extended period, the reality is still difficult to accept, but I find that it also comes with a sense of relief that the person or animal that you cared about so much is no longer suffering.

Hopefully you will look at a swifter recovery emotionally, this way.

I hope that this is somehow helpful.

Answer 4

1. The worst thing you want to hear is all the stuff that you know to be true...it's his time...good life...ripe old age...God works in mysterious ways. None of that really makes you feel any better when you're grieving. Please keep in mind that death is an uncomfortable subject for most people, and nobody means to be hurtful. The best thing somebody can say is, "I'm sorry you're hurting. I wish there was something I could do. Can I give you a hug?"

2. I've experience the death of a loved one both ways. Neither is easier than the other. Whichever way it happens, you always think, "well, it would have been easier if..." Not so true. Even after being the primary caregiver for several of my family members who had extended illnesses, the grief felt the same. You know they're leaving. You don't know when, but you know it's soon. Every morning you wake up, you wonder if today's the day.

In the end, it doesn't really matter what we prefer. We must accept the change another's passing makes in our lives. To reject that change is to reject growth.

I'm sorry to hear about your cat. I wish there was something I could do to help you feel better. Can I give you a hug?

Answer 5

If you don't want to tell anyone, that is fine, it is your own private matter.
Telling someone to "get over it" is not very kind to say to someone grieving.
When you know someone is in the process of dying, at least for me, I seem to begin some of the grieving process during that time before their death and continue afterwards. When it is sudden it is quite a shock. Quick or long, neither one is any easier.
When I knew my favorite cat was going to have to be put to sleep when I was a teenager, I spent some special last hours with him, just us together in my bedroom. I told him good bye, cried alot and, saved some of his hair. He was orange, an interesting character and, would come and lie on my stomach when I was resting on my bed. I loved him so much! Chances are I will outlive the cats I have now, too. I am glad they are part of my life and they help make my days better.

Answer 6

Worst things to say is "I'm sorry" or "I know how you feel" Unless you've been there, you don't know and what have you got to be sorry for? You didn't kill fluffy/grandma/mom.

Death is never easy to accept. If it happens quick or long and drawn out, there is still pain and mourning. The best way to deal with death is to accept, grieve, and move on but never forget.

Be strong.

Answer 7

the worst thing someone can say is "I know how you feel". Dealing with a loss is always traumatic. In many cases it helps to talk about the loved one we lost. Yes it makes us cry but they are healing tears. so sorry for your loss, talk to me if you like I have experienced several losses, my son, my dad, many pets, my nephew and cousins. Its never easy.

Answer 8

Its just good for 'you' to talk about it.

18 is a full life, you should be happy but sad too.

Answer 9

so your cat died and you are not telling anyone you just told the whole world as for your questions death of a love one is never easy whether they died suddenly or had a long term illness os for your cat get over it and get another cat after all it is not a human being