I have two boy from a prior relationship that just didn't work out. Their dad was always in jail from the moment we got together. He has not be part of their lives. His he not paying child support. So on 3 1/2 years went by i met my husband at first he got alone with my boys okay. know i have 2 girls with him and some times he acts really mean to the boys he puts them down. He doesn't do the things he did before, I have a really problem. there has been times when i just want to get up and leave with my kids and leave him behind, but he is a wonderfull dad to his girls.. I don't know what to do. Please help,,,, i don't want stupid answers this is serious
2006-09-14 05:35:08 · 22 answers · asked by lachina74 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Of course this is serious. Relationships of any kind are often difficult, and blending a family like this presents its own challenges.
I'm assuming you've tried to sit down and talk to your husband, calmly, not while the problem is actively going on. Have you asked him, in a non-judging way, "I'm confused - you used to get along with the boys so well. What's changed?" If you haven't, think about it, because this is information you need.
If he'll talk, find out what his issues are and make sure you LISTEN - don't interrupt, don't make excuses for anyone, just hear his side of things. Then CALMLY tell him yours, trying to avoid accusations or excuses, just tell him how you are feeling, that it's important that he hear you, because you're worried.
Family counseling is a wonderful resource, and doesn't have to be expensive. Having a disinterested outsider who can listen to all of you - wife, husband, and kids - and give objective advice is a big help when you feel that your family is losing its way. If money's an issue, you can check with your church, or call your local social services office for a referral.
The thing is, you definitely need a safe space for everyone to be together without stress and/or drama. Family activities, even a picnic in the park, tossing a Frisbee or softball around, playing basketball can allow everyone to let off some steam in a safe way. The more time you spend as a family, enjoying something, the more likely everyone is to get along together - it's that base that you build on.
All families go through stressful times, and blended families have that extra stuff to work out. So long as you and your husband approach this together, as a couple, with a real desire to see everyone healthy and happy, in the end you'll be okay. Good luck!
2006-09-14 05:45:20 · answer #1 · answered by peculiarpup 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Have you tried talking to him about this change in attitude towards the boys? I would tell him that it really isn't acceptable to me. Tell him you really don't want to leave him that you think he is a wonderful father to the 2 girls but that it is your responsibility to protect your boys as well. Tell him you thought he understood that when you married him. Then sit back and be ready to listen. He is probably a little resentful towards the boys dad not helping out.He maybe feeling an overloaded pressure with 4 kids to support and raise. This is (as I am sure you know) a lot of responsibility and he may resent it.That is understandable but he still can not take that out on the boys. Maybe he can channel all those negative emotions into helping you find a way to get their father to pay. Maybe that isn't even the real problem. I am only guessing. He is the only one with the real answers. But one thing is for sure you can not let him verbally abuse your boys. This will cause real emotional problems with them and that can greatly increase the chance that they will end up living a life like their father's.
Good Luck this is a tough one.
2006-09-14 05:45:42 · answer #2 · answered by Suesan W 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are correct this is a very serious matter
have you talk to him about it, you need to if you hadn't
you have to explain those children are a part of you
just like the other 2 so he needs to treat all of them the same
and that is with repect
The thing you do need to protect your boys at the same time you
can take the girls fathr away form them
maybe you can ask them why he has change
he might not realized what he is doing
Good Luck
2006-09-14 05:55:25 · answer #3 · answered by waiting for baby 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ok... Ive seen a similar situation. My sister had a son before meeting her current husband. Together they have 2 daughters. He kinda treats my nephew different. I notice it, and sometimes my sister does too. She will purposely call him out on it when he does it tho. Like for example. The oldest girl is 12 and when My nephew was 12 he wasnt allowed to go on dates with girls to the movies or out to mcdonalds or anything UNLESS his grades were good. Well my 12 yr old niece got a bad grade (d-) in history and my sisters husband was still letting her go to the movies. So my sister turns around and says to her husband in front of the kids. How this is NOT fair at all to her son because he wasnt allowed to do that. Her husband agree's and he changes the rules... But the key here is that SHE TELLS HIM and calls him on it. So try it... See if he notices what he is doing... maybe he doesnt.
2006-09-14 05:49:19 · answer #4 · answered by Angel Eve 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Have you talked to your husband about what you are feeling? What do your boys think?
There is a difference in the way that fathers treat daughters and sons. They tend to be tougher on boys because they are trying to teach them to be men. They forget that before men become men they need to be boys. It may also be the fact that your boys are getting older, getting older means having minds of their owns and opinions. As a parent of two boys and a girl, it is no pic nic. It is not the time to be friends it is the time to teach them to make good decisions and maybe he is trying to do that but it is not coming across that way.
I suggest that you talk to him with your boys and let him know how each of you are feeling. Ask him to take the boys to do some father son things.
Good luck
2006-09-14 05:45:11 · answer #5 · answered by CLEMVIER 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You guys need family counseling. Your husband needs to understand that when he decided to marry you, he invited your boys into his life and family. I have to wonder if he wasn't kind to the boys to make a good impression on you, to give you the impression of him being a family man. I'm unsure of the ages of your daughters but I don't see your husband all of a sudden changing. At the first sign of him conducting himself differently around your boys, it probably would have been best to bring it to your husband's attention at that point. When you first got married, since the boy's father wasn't around, your husband should have adopted your boys as his own. I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't feel a little sore at you for not pressing the issue of child support with your boys' father. Your husband is doing something that you should've take care of before he even came into your life.
If counseling doesn't help, you have to be prepared to pick your kids up and get out of there. Your boys will resent you and possibly view women as weak in their own relationship if they feel they can't depend on you to defend them to someone they can't defend themselves with. Set your priorities straight. Let your husband know that you don't appreciate his attitude towards your children and if you can't a fullu funtional family, you can't be family.
2006-09-14 05:48:39 · answer #6 · answered by Honey 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
U need to explain to him the favoritism can cause permanent emotional damage to the boys and they will grow up hating him which will inevitably cause probs between you two. Stand up for the boys but not in front of them because you want parenting to be a team effort and don't want the boys thinking that it is ok to question his judgment. Make sure you tell him exactly how you feel maybe he doesn't realize what he is doing but if he does and continues to do get out!!
2006-09-14 05:40:59 · answer #7 · answered by ru2tipsy2c 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Have you spoken with him about it?
Perhaps he resents paying to support children that are not his. He may feel that his money that should be going towards his own children and not someone elses. Have you spoken about his adopting the boys?
Maybe you should try going to a counselor or therapist together. You aren't going to be able to find out what is going on in his head without his participation.
2006-09-14 05:41:44 · answer #8 · answered by BoomChikkaBoom 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You really need to talk to him about this. My sister had the same problem and my nephew ended up spending the last teenage years with his grandmother. He needs to accept them children as his own. Tell him when he's to hard on them. If you continue to let him do this to your boys it's going to get worse. You better get on your husband now before it's to late. Good Luck!
2006-09-14 05:39:42 · answer #9 · answered by aimstir31 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
sometimes step-dads just arent meant to be. Having sons that were another mans can be a issue especially if they look like their real dad,show any of his traits or act up. Of course hes gonna be "nicer" to his girls, their his blood..it's hard for men sometimes to raise boys that arent his.dont know why but its true. I was fortunate to get a man that helped me raise my 2 boys like they were his own. And no they didnt always get along but as they grew up they became closer.and that was 25 yrs ago. Kids., especially boys,. need guidance so they can grow and become good dads to their own children. You didnt say if he was ever abusive to them. If thats the case he's not likely to change and i would leave....they are looking to you for your love and guidance now and dont let them grow up thinking you chose your husband over them. See if he would agree to counseling and get to the source of his behavior and good luck....
2006-09-14 05:50:13 · answer #10 · answered by solsbj 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋