I am a fulltime student and I work part-time. My fiance is a production operator offshore. We just bought a home and for our ages we are doing really well. The only thing is his mom. She is a so under-handed. I try not to talk to her b/c she is so fake towards me and it hurts b/c all if ever tried to do is get along with her. One day we got in a argument and she called me a n****. And I keep thinking about that. I keep thinking about what she will think of my children. How do I handle this?
2006-09-14 05:12:55 · 40 answers · asked by leshay923 1 in Society & Culture ➔ Cultures & Groups ➔ Other - Cultures & Groups
I want to thank everyone for leaving me answers...All of the advice is awesome and well said. There were a few q's people had so I will try and straighten a few things out...The reason we got in the argument is because she was telling people my family was "trash." My dad is a personal injury attorney and my mother is a fourth grade teacher. Lol...Trash? It all goes back to the life my dad had when he was married to his first wife. He had no care in the world, but ppl change and that is my dad. She called me a n**** ***** b/c I told her that they were trash. When my fiance introduced me to his mom, I was nauseaed for 2 days str8 b/c of the filth and smell. My fiance treats me like Queen Elizabeth. He puts me on this pedestal and it makes me feel on top of the world. We have been together for 6 years, engaged for 2 and we are so in love. I think that bothers her. Since then, my fiance has talked to her but briefly, me? I have yet to see her, she is not allowed here @ all.
2006-09-14 13:04:17 · update #1
Liza, I was in your shoes years ago. And nothing I tried made my mother-in-law like me.
I remained "polite" when I had to be around her, but I no longer tried to go out of my way to be friends with her. I didn't try to get my husband in the middle of the problem either, I just explained to him, 'it's okay to love us both but please understand that unless necessary I preferred he visited her with out me.' He did and when she saw I wasn't trying to take him away from her, it honestly helped. Then as time went by, our children were born and somehow things changed and she and I slowly became close.
P.S. The childish name calling is what shallow minded people do when they feel inferior to whom they're agruing with. lol... because they're not intelligent enough to think of something smart to say. So don't worry about it. If not that word, She'd have just called you some other hurtful word to upset you.
Good Luck.
2006-09-14 07:41:57 · answer #1 · answered by hope_help 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Liza: The woman is totally wrong. If you were not bi-racial would she call you the b word? As far as your children if your man is any kind of man he will not allow his mother to hurt you like that and darn sure should stand up for his children. If not maybe he should not be getting married. I know a woman that had the same feelings about other races. Her son was the same way until he met a strong woman of color and they had kids. Now you couldn't get them to say a bad word about races. Hope things work out for you.
2006-09-14 05:20:35 · answer #2 · answered by irishwitch2 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
give her more time, someday she will need you. she just does not know it yet. and when you come through for her she will feel like a real fool. depending on her background, she may be scared. and there are people who will say anything that pops into their heads when they are angry, they talk first, think second. if you had been white, she may have called you fat. or lazy. or a whore. but some people just look for the easiest way to insult. maybe color was hers. just sit back, take a deep breath, and relax. before you give up on this, try other avenues of getting under her skin. perhaps you could kill her with kindness. ask for her opinion. she could just be a real witch. but just try it. i snapped at my mother in law once during a family gathering, i just wanted to die. it happened so fast. but she acted as though nothing had ever happened. i am so grateful that she is who she is.
2006-09-14 05:33:58 · answer #3 · answered by bad kitty 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Instead of thinking about this any longer, spit it out. You can't hold this inside you until it eats at you and then you will not respond so good to other situations with a clear mind. I hope you have told your fiance about the childish thing his mother has done and you both confront her in a mature fashion. I'm sure he will be on your team because you both are headed for marriage and you have to stick together. Now is the time.
2006-09-14 09:38:16 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
That's awful! I suppose mother-in-laws are always a potential problem, but she obviously is very narrow minded and has issues. You should never have to take that!
Talk to your fiance about all this - how you feel. He should do whatever it takes to make you feel comfortable and make the marriage work.
She may be cutting herself out of her son's and her grandchildren's lives by being so bigoted.
Maybe you will all be better off without her.
I have had issues like this come up too in my dating experiences and I am always shocked how racism is still so potent.
I feel for you. Good luck.
2006-09-14 05:23:45 · answer #5 · answered by American citizen and taxpayer 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should have said "***** ?!?!?, I gonna show you a true *****. " And then proceed to beat her a$$.
NO IM JUST KIDDING !!!
Dont be afraid to have babies, just pray about it. Your children will bring you closer together, she will feel a great bond with them and say to herself " How could I have treated her so cruel, when she gave me beautiful grandbabies?" The best you can do is pray about it, next kill her with kindness, be nice about everything and dont stoop to her level. Even when you know D@MN WELL she's doin **** to piss you off, just act so pleased about whatever it is she did. Then she will realize a few things 1. You're not going anywhere, 2. You're extremely nice and well mannered, 3. She will then know why her son loves you so much.
Did I forget to mention make sure that right before you and her son go around her that you really make him happy. Make him all mushy to you, do alot of kissing and holding and touching in front of her. This sends the message "See biacth I aint goin nowhere"
2006-09-14 06:27:03 · answer #6 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all your man should be handling the situation, not you. For his mother to go there with you was underhanded and not necessary. Her disrespect towards you is not only an insult to you but to your fiance. Basically, the ***** wouldn't be allowed in the house if she couldn't respect me. If your man has a problem with it dump his a$$. His mother is attempting to play on both of you, and place a strain in your relationship. Watch your back!
2006-09-14 05:33:05 · answer #7 · answered by Swordfish 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, don't let her being 'fake' bother you. Another word for being nice to people you don't get along with is 'polite'. You have some reasons to be annoyed or angry with your mother in law, you don't need to add her being polite rather then vulgar and rude to the list of things you're putting up with.
I'd suggest that when you need to have contact with her, you should be polite (i.e. fake) with her as much as possible.
On the flip side, you should talk to your fiance about her comments. He needs to have a frank discussion with her about how she's going to handle having 'mixed' grandkids. Frankly, I think an apology is also in order.
That said, putting your fiance in the middle is not going to put him in an easy situation. Try to focus - and talk to him about - concrete issues like 'she called me a ******, which makes me concerned how she'll treat our kids'. This is something concrete he can speak to her about. Complaining to him that she's being 'fake' is not something he can do anything about, since she'd no doubt deny it, he won't know whether you misinterpreted etc, and its hard to get someone to 'not be fake'. There's no chance of you having misunderstood being called a ****** however, so he should be able to speak to his mom about that without it turning into a 'She meant xzy/No I didnt you're overreacting' war with him in the middle.
Sorry you have to deal with this, though frankly, I suspect this is just the particular form that your issues with your inlaws take.
2006-09-14 05:20:52 · answer #8 · answered by kheserthorpe 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You will have the mother in law from hell. Have you told your fiance what she said? I know people say don't come between families but she is way out of order and has no right to speak to you like that. You have to tell him how upset you are with her and your worries for the future. If there is no resolution my advice is to have no contact with her and when you have children she has no right to see them with an attitude like that towards their mother. She is racist and will try to poison their innocent minds.
2006-09-14 05:20:07 · answer #9 · answered by koolkatt 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Mothers and sons, sons and mothers a very difficult combo. Have you discussed this with him? Have you discussed this amongst the three of you? Do you live in the same community as his mother. Who comes first in his life. There is no excuse for racism which seems to be growing in these troublesome times. You cannot have a mother in law who will use that very derogative expletive on your children and she should be ashamed of herself, she sounds very selfish and I hope you show her this reply. YOU CAN ALWAYS SEVERE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH HER and not speak to her unless your man is around. Good luck
2006-09-14 05:23:31 · answer #10 · answered by theophelia 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋