Intruding in-laws!?

Question

My in-laws are horrible. They live 2 hours away. I am a stay at home mom and my husband is away. (he is in the army...in the states thankfully) They come to my house and just take over. They won't even let me park in my own driveway for crying out loud. They will even call to ask where my car is parked and how long my grass is. If I tell my kids to do something they will contradict me and say things like "poor baby, your mother won't let you do anything" They rearrange things in my house and put things where they want it. They purposely give things to my kids that I don't want them to have. They will even say "I know your mother doesn't want you to have this but here you go" They insult my side of the family (in front of the kids) by saying "that baby (my nephew) is so ugly. That's the ugliest baby I have ever seen." They are just evil. My husband and i only see each other 2 days a week and I don't want to fight with him when I do get to see him. He doesn't understand.

I should say that I have talked to them about it and they say "if you don't like it then too bad." I really want my kids to have a good relationship with their grandparents but they are making it awfully hard.

For all of those "Get a backbone" people. I have already stated that I have talked to them about this problem. I have talked to them rationally and have done some drastic things. Their comment is always the same "you don't like it then too bad"

Answer 1

I know your hubby is busy with the military but this problem is so serious that he must STOP it. You can't have these people teaching your children to disrespect you and taking over your home and life. He needs to deal with it, they won't listen to you, as you will know. Good luck honey...

Answer 2

Change the locks. Take a firm line with your husband and when he gets home, explain to him calmly how badly his parents are behaving and that you are not going to allow it to go on. I suspect they are trying to undermine your marriage for some reason.

When they call and ask intrusive questions, tell them to mind their own business. If they are rude to you, hang up the phone. If they come round to your house don't let them in while your husband is away and if they are abusive, call the police.

You really have two choices: you can either accept this behaviour (which is setting a very bad example to your children by the way) or you can refuse to tolerate it.

You can also instruct a lawyer to write them a letter. Just because they are in laws does not give them the right to treat you like this and ultimately you could get an order from the court forbidding them from coming to your home. You may find you have to take a very strong line for quite a while before they realise they are not going to be allowed to walk all over you any more.

Answer 3

What doesn't your husband understand? That your in-laws treat you with no respect at all, and they treat your home as if it is their own? He is probably used to the way they act, having grown up with them,and so just doesn't see what the problem is. You need to tell him what you just told us. If it were me, they would not be welcome in my home, and they would NOT be allowed to see their grandchildren until they mended their ways. They (AND your husband) need to realize that your home and your children are not subject to their rules, but yours. Do they have keys to your home? If yes, CHANGE THE LOCKS. If not, they can only get in if you let them in. Don't. This situation has obviously been going on for a long time. It should have been nipped in the bud at the start. You have been letting them call the shots for so long now, they feel they have you completely controlled. If you want to park your car in your driveway DO IT! How do they "not let" you park in the driveway? They can only control you if YOU allow it. YOU need to stand up for yourself and take back control of your life, home, and children.

Answer 4

It sounds like you really made a bad choice when you married into this family! Didn't you see what they are like before you got married. You should tell your husband what they are like and how they treat you like dirt. If he doesn't tell them to STOP their crass behavior then boot him out and let him go back and live with them. Phone your in laws and tell them that they are not welcome in your home. If they won't take no for an answer then when you see these people arrive in your driveway LOCK THE DOOR. If your husband lets them continue harassing you then pack up the kids every weekend and move into a hotel and let him stay home and entertain these dead beats.

Answer 5

It is your house, these are your children, and he is your husband. And he has no spine, so you must. He is unwilling to support you, and he absolutely, and positively should. (You and he need to set down some rules for them, and you need to tell your husband that the situation as it is, is just not acceptable -- you WILL NOT have them come to your house and run the show---this is just so inappropriate....and sends all the wrong messages to your children.) These in-laws are way out of line, but you cannot be a doormat unless you allow it. You need to read a book called "The Assertive Option" -- an old one, but still THE authority on how to get your way without being a terrible person. Order it today in paperback from Amazon.com. Can be at your house by Monday. Paperback -- worth every dime.
Basically, when they arrive at your door unannounced, you are there, at the door with a smile, and say, "gee, this just isn't a good time. Wished you had called.... We're kinda busy... I have to go." If they start to talk, give them the broken record (it is discussed in the book) You never take the bait. And gently close the door. (change the locks first.)

(You really do need to read this book...) When they say something negative, what you'd like to say is something right back at them. Instead your comment needs to be something in the order of, "I'm sorry. In this house we are not critical of some one's appearance." And you will probably have to enlist the support of your children and say to them that "when grandma gives you something that you and I have agreed you can't have right now, take it from her, thank her for it, and tell her that your are going to give it to me, and say, it is inappropriate for you to give me things you know my mom doesn't want me to have right now." And you will need to rehearse those lines and roll play the situation with them so they are good at it, and respond as you want them to.

You have a big job (No, HUGE) in front of you sweetie. These are really hostile inlaws since they have usurped your authority under your own roof!!!!!! They are treating you as an incompetent child, and your husband is no help. It appears that unless he grows a spine (unlikely) you are going to have to TRAIN them. You can't teach them anything, nor will you ever get them to realize what they are doing is inappropriate. All you will ever be able to hope for is to train them. And this book will help. You may need to get a friend to help you roll play your lines in the various situation that they place you in .... very helpful. Hope this is helpful -- I took some time to write it.... Good luck

Answer 6

You are kidding me right ... this is your home, your family. Have you ever heard of a backbone.

The next time they call to ask where your car is tell them, "right where it's staying --- in my driveway".

When it comes to insulting your family --- that is simply rude and uncalled for, tell them up front, if they don't stop with the negativity, then they are not welcome in "your home". Make it a house rule that perhaps they are only welcome to visit when your husband, their son is home. If he's any type of man, he'll recognize first hand what is happening and put an end to it.

Answer 7

i know someone who's been in your place.. but a million times worse..

you need to talk to your husband, fight or no fight. they arent gonna listen to u, only him - u'r gonna be the "extremely nasty daughter-in-law" if u dont make him say something...

if he refuses, or if u dun wanna bother him (i don't see why he's ur husband, in which case) then u should take the kids away to your mum's house for a while.. don't let the grandparents have sight of them, or get to them.. give yourself, your man and your in-laws to have some time to sort out their nonsense..

that should help a lot

Answer 8

I can really relate...I just seperated with my wife of 12 years because we moved in with my mother in law. My mother in law was going to help pay the bills which of course she stopped doing and spent all her money on my kids and wife and then told them I do not spend a dime on them (meanwhile I am paying all the household bills for the house she lives in as well as my wife and kids) My wife grew closer and closer to her mom and became like a kid again and would not support me on any issues and of course that led to fighting which just drove her even closer to her mother and further away from me. I tried to go back because I still love my wife and now she wants nothing to do with me, they have changed the locks on the house and put up curtains so I cannot see in. They have brain washed my oldest daughter with all the things they bought her and she will not even talk or come see me. I added on 2700 square foot addition to the house that they now live in. This is a very difficult area, try to talk it out vs. fight because that makes it even worse and can turn them against you. Be very glad they do not live with you. Moving in with my mother in law was the biggest mistake of my life. The hardest part is what you said when they don't understand, my wife just said I was a stupid idiot when I addressed the issues and trust me there were alot of them besides just the bills, you feel like they are not standing up for you. Just be careful and try to explain that these things hurt you and you need his help. I tried but then got mad when she would not see my side and that did not help me at all. I have lost my wife who I love very much of 12 years because of my mother in law.

Answer 9

When they come over, take the kids and go out for the day. Let your husband deal with it. Put simply, become a b*tch and they will back down. Been there, did that. Unless you just want to be a doormat and let them step all over you, coward.

Answer 10

When your husband is home, have a family meeting. Get your in-laws together with youu and your husband and just sit down and talk. If he knew exactly what was going on, they might actually respect what he has to say about it. This is their son after all. Good luck!