Right now I am involved in a relationship with a very special person. At this point we are still in process of getting divorced. The divorces have been going on before we met. My girlfriend moved in with me about a year ago. She didn't have a place to go since she was the one that moved out of the house. We both have children. Her kids are 19, 17, and 14. Mine are 20 and 14. Her kids live in another school district. At this point, my girlfriend wants her kids to move in with us. She can't count on her soon to be ex to take care of her kids. I don't mine them coming over, but at this point in my life I am not ready for a family. Therefore, I feel that the best thing for our relationship is for her to get her own place and take care of her kids. I still am crazy about her and want to continue the relationship. I know it sounds like a want my cake and eat it too but I am not ready for this yet. I have other responsibilites as well. So, am I being realistic or selfish?
2006-09-14 03:03:06 · 20 answers · asked by crazartgirl 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Hi!
This is just my opinion, but if you love her, you have to love her kids too... they are apart of her. It is a package deal. And if her ex is not taking care of them, then you should step up and help her out.
See, the girlfriend is already living with you. If you kick her out now because you don't want her kids around, she will probably dump you.
Perhaps a compromise? Something like the 17 and 14 year-old can come live with you... but the 19 year-old is an adult and needs to make their own way in life. And let her know that in a year, when the 17 year-old turns 18 and is graduated from highschool, that he/she has to move on as well (go to work and get an apartment, go to college and live in the dorms, join the military, whatever).
Then you will only have the fourteen year-old in the house and that is easy... he/she will be out in four years.
Of course, if it's really too much for you, then you can end the relationship now and not worry about this at all...
:)
Best Wishes...
T.
2006-09-14 03:13:40 · answer #1 · answered by Theophania 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you are being pretty realistic. You are both going through a divorce. The last thing you need is to jump into another relationship. I agree with you. She should get her own place. You could help her find a place nearby, but not so close that you feel overwhelmed too. I hope this helps a bit.
2006-09-14 03:43:48 · answer #2 · answered by Genny 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your choice seems to stem from a genuine self awareness of your place in life. But what struck me as funny is when you said, you are not ready for a family, don't you already have a family, this isn't new territory for you right? You may be crazy about her, but a mother is her kids bottom line and if you aren't willing to make sacrifices for this woman then maybe you aren't ready for this serious a committed relationship and the only thing you can do is be honest.
2006-09-14 03:07:37 · answer #3 · answered by Jep 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds to me like you have had a family for the last 20 years at least. You need to ask yourself some ?'s.
What if it was your kids? What would you do if you knew the mother wasn't going to take care of them?
Are they good kids?
Do you get along with them and do they get along with you?
Do they get along with your kids?
What would be the pros & cons if they moved in?
What would be expected out of them?
Would your kids be hurt if hers moved in and yours couldn't?
Her kids and yours are about grown they will kinda take care of them selfs. You two will be their for guidence & support.
I would say by your ? that you don't want a family or the responsibility that goes with it. I think you would rather pay child support than to deal with the kids. Kinda unfair don't you think. You have your own kids but you don't mind visits as long as they don't live in the same house as you. Why is that? Why should the dads beable to have freedom but not the moms. I mean you did help make them she didn't do it by herself. I am not saying that you should take them or not take them. Only you can decide for your self.
Just make sure you think of everyone involed not just you. It affects all the kids so have a meeting with all the kids at the same time and get everyones opinion. Also if you are sure that you don't want them to move in then don't let them. You will just end up resenting them because of it.
2006-09-14 03:29:23 · answer #4 · answered by Emptiness 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you are being very realistic....it is smart if you are not ready to stand your ground at this point...you first off dont want to have the kids with you and unknowingly start to resent them and then it takes a toll on your relationship and hurts the kids..the other factor in this is you dont want the kids to get to rely on you just yet after a recent divorce and then maybe your relationship doesnt work out.....i think you are smart to take the slow road on this one till you are both very sure this is something you both want...a relationship can become very different once a few younger faces are thrown into the picture and im sure you both want what is best for the kids.....good luck
2006-09-14 03:08:24 · answer #5 · answered by becca9892003 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think you are realistic.
Since you don't mind they come over, therefore i don't think there is any problems even you are not ready for a family. The most important question is whether can you accept her children with you.
As to my concern, having her children with you AND for you to have a family is two different things. You may just assume them as your nephew or part of your cousins UNLESS you want to be in a two-persons-romantic type of lifestyle...
If you really love her and crazy for her, you should make her happy and fullfilled he wants...
This is just my very personal opinion... an Asia's mind opinion!! Good luck to both of you.
2006-09-14 03:22:39 · answer #6 · answered by CK 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Really, are people ever ready for a family? and how can you not be ready for a family, you have kids of your own? If you truly love this girl you will compromise...but it will feel like the right thing to do...right now your just being selfish...
2006-09-14 03:06:33 · answer #7 · answered by violet1656 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Realistic... If she is upset about this, then she is the one being selfish. You both just got out of relationships... Noone in their right mind is ready to jump back in right away. So take it slow. She needs to stand on her own two feet... and she needs to be independent of any ONE person. Good luck.
2006-09-14 03:21:00 · answer #8 · answered by Angel Eve 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Realistic. What would happen if your relationship ended with her? She would be back in the same position. Right now, I do believe it would be the smart thing to do is to get her own place. It's a tough decision either way, and someone's feelings are liable to be hurt.
2006-09-14 03:08:47 · answer #9 · answered by Nc Jay 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think there is another reason besides what you said, that is a good reason why she should live separately from you, and it is that your divorce is not final.
I understand you have feelings for her and want to show her your compassion by allowing her to move in with her kids, but your family situation is not stable right now.
2006-09-14 03:07:43 · answer #10 · answered by *babydoll* 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋