Married 7years, marriage not consumated because he had a problem that he said would get better. Viagra didn't work. It never did. Turns out he was diagnosed with heart failure due to a life time of alcoholism. He knew he couldn't "get it up" when he married me but kept it a secret. I'm 50 and he's 60. I've thought of an extra marital affair but my conscious bothers me. I still feel the need for "it", but there is no physical contact between us (separate beds) as he has no libido. Toys don't do it for me and I feel trapped and very depressed. It is an embarrasing subject and he refuses to communicate about it. How many marriages survive like this? Am I too old to go on? I need a hug. Anyone in the same boat? Nevertheless I stay. How can one leave an ill partner...for better or worse right? I feel like I'm already dead and too dumb to drop. At this point I have no sexual feelings for him and don't think I ever will again. He refuses to have an "open" relationship. :(
2006-09-14 02:50:11 · 19 answers · asked by rubyis50 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Sweetie, if you have addressed the issue of 'open relationship' with him, and he refuses to allow that, then you are perfectly within your rights to leave him.
He married you under false pretenses, by not revealing to you how serious his physical/mental probems are. You have NO legal or MORAL bond to hold you in this marriage. I am 62!!...And believe me, there is still a LOT of living left in me!!!...You've got 12 more than I do...GO FOR THE GUSTO!!
2006-09-14 02:56:07 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
I assume that you married this man for more than sex since you did not know about his problem until later.
Although a lot of people may think this is perverted. See about buying a strap on that he can wear. They were originally created for his situation. This would allow him to be an active participant in pleasuring you. There are many toys and things you can do together as a couple. You can even buy them on line.
www.literotica.com has a toy section and also Adam and Eve.
If he will not do this or allow you to satisfy your sexual needs elsewhere, I would leave him. He did not disclose his issues when you married him, so you were unable to make a knowledgeable decision.
2006-09-14 03:09:25 · answer #2 · answered by Just Another Guy 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You could have this marriage annulled based on two factors: 1) You haven't consummated the marriage, and 2) He married you under false pretense, meaning he lied to you or kept something from you. I would give him an ultimatum stating that you need to have an open marriage, or you're outta here. You cannot live like this. If you have to resort to cheating, I guess just keep it sooooo discrete because everyone loves to judge other people.
2006-09-14 02:57:28 · answer #3 · answered by MoMoney23 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I left my husband for the same reasons. He didn't tell me he was impudent until we were married and on honeymoon,he said he was going to get an operation which he did twice, and it didn't work,that was in 2001 by 2005. I left, we are now divorce and he is now looking for, wife of number five. So what are girls.
his name, he is James Benfield.
get out of the woman and enjoy your life. When not here for a rehearsal. We only have the one chance and I intend to enjoy mine
2006-09-14 03:29:59 · answer #4 · answered by sue_luckhurst 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have been in a situation similar to yours. I decided to move on, after trying everything else. I have 2 answers to your question. One is quick & simple, & the other is long but may help you more. The quick answer is that, in my opinion, if you have honestly & completely explained your needs & feelings to your husband, & explained that you urgently need to get SOME sexual contact SOMEWHERE for your mental, emotional, & physical wellbeing, AND if your husband has refused to do what he CAN do (showing concern for your feelings, talking honestly about the issues, having some physical contact such as hugging, cuddling, pleasuring you, or at least being there with you, even if he can't get it up himself), AND you have warned your husband that your needs are so great that you MUST get them met somehow, AND your husband STILL refuses to be flexible or offer help, THEN you are not "cheating" if you have sex with someone else. Cheating would be doing it behind his back, lying & keeping it secret. But if you are honest & open about what's going on, giving your husband honesty & options, then you are at least somewhat "not cheating."
HOWEVER, I think the BEST solutions go beyond "cheating or not." The major issue here, to me, is not his ability to get it up, or what is cheating. The major issues are: 1. his extreme dishonesty in keeping his sexual & health problems a secret from you until after marriage; 2. the fact that he refuses to communicate openly on this very important topic; & 3. the total lack of physical contact in the marraige & your lack of sexual feelings for him now.
I know from experience that it is very difficult to leave someone when he is ill, & you have taken marriage vows with him. But dishonesty & inability or refusal to communicate openly are SERIOUS issues, regardless of physical health. If you still love him & he still loves you, then see if he will go to couples counseling with you, to deal with feelings & negotiate solutions. If there is no love there, or your husband refuses to go to counselling with you, then I would say, get a divorce. It's not mean in that case; it's setting each other free. You & this man could still be platonic friends, without being "stuck" in a miserable marriage. Since you are already living like plationic buddies (no physical contact / sex) anyway, the divorce might allow the 2 of you to remain friends, while each being free to fulfill your own needs. You would be free to find a sexual partner, without cheating on anyone. Your husband would be free to get the help he needs, or to find someone who prefers a non-sexual marriage. You can get a referral to a counsellor from your medical doctor, pastor or other religious leader, friends who have sought counselling, a local hospital, or the yellow or blue pages in the phone book. Sounds like you could benefit from some supportive counselling, with or without your husband. I know it's very tough, but you have to watch out for YOURSELF, as well as for others. You are NEVER "too old" until you are dead. Be strong, & best of luck to you.
2006-09-14 04:03:42 · answer #5 · answered by dare2go4it 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I was in a relationship like yours. Bottom line "he lied to you"...and married you doing it!!!!....I don't believe cheating is the answer...get a lawyer and file for a divorce..TAKE YOUR LIFE BACK!!!...your only 50..I'm 56...been where you are and happy I made the decision to leave and where I am today!!...good luck.
2006-09-14 03:30:44 · answer #6 · answered by carolyn3500 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't usually encourage people to have afairs, but in this case I have to say GO FOR IT GIRL! You need intamacy. You need to feel a warm body against you and on top of you. You need to feel arms around you holding you tight. I know exactly how it feels to be with someone who is impotent.(7 yrs for me too) I am only 27, and feel like I have wasted my whole young adult life with my guy. (he is 39). If you need an afair to make yourself feel better and feel like a woman again, then go for it. Find you a man that will please you. Good Luck, Hun.
2006-09-14 02:57:13 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I said a prayer for you today
And know God must have heard-
I felt the answer in my heart
Although He spoke no word!
I didn't ask for wealth or fame
(I knew you wouldn't mind)-
I asked Him to send you treasures
Of a far more lasting kind!
I asked that He'd be near you
At the start of each new day
To grant you health and blessings
And my friendship to share your way!
I asked for happiness for you
In all things great and small-
But it was for His loving care
I prayed the most of all!
By: Kenny P. aka-Cobra
2006-09-14 02:56:35 · answer #8 · answered by Cobra 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
wow. in your 50's you are in a sexual prime.
i wish there was a magick pill for your husband to use. I am sorry i can not be of more help. I just want to tell you to hang in there (hang in to life) and good luck.
2006-09-14 02:59:39 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Life to short to wake up everyday and feel unwanted and unattractive - get out of there
2006-09-14 03:01:32 · answer #10 · answered by lee 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋