About 3 years ago my wife and I moved in with my mother in law. Over the course of the 3 years we build an addition on my mom in law house, I took a mortgage with my mom in law to get the money. Then the trouble started she refused to help with any of the bills, including the mortgage she signed with me stating she had no money. She spent her money on what she wanted (mostly buying my kids and convincing my wife I was no good) Everytime I would talk with my wife about any issues while living there I was a stupid idiot (yes i said my fair share of nasty things too) who rehashed the same old things. I could not take the fighting and feeling unimportant to my wife any longer so I left and now my wife wants nothing to do with me, I am heartbroken because I love my wife but cannot live with my mother in law and my wife does not want me anymore because of all the fighting that took place. I feel my wife became more of a daughter to her mother than a wife to me in the end. I am confused
2006-09-14 02:41:24 · 12 answers · asked by jbrown280000 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
That's a really tough situation and difficult to solve with any kind of really happy resolution while your mother-in-law is influencing your wife.
There's always counseling, but it sounds like your mother-in-law is poisoning your wife's mind.
One roundabout option is if you use this as a reason to pick yourself up financially and put yourself in a really good living situation to prove to your mother-in-law that you're quite capable.
If you go in the other direction where you fall into despair, you'll give your mother-in-law reason to gloat or claim to your wife that she was correct about you being "no good."
However, if you end up turning things around to where you're happy and successful, your wife will have to acknowledge that and it may open an opportunity for her to move in with you in the new house that you live in.
Either way, being depressed and bein indecisive won't do you any good. Life is still going to move on with or without you. If it's true that your wife doesn't want to have anything to do with you at this time, she'll most likely move on without you as well.
While it's true you have reason to mourn over your situation, don't mourn too long. Using this as a stepping stone to pick yourself up and make things right financially and in terms of a living space.
2006-09-14 02:50:33 · answer #1 · answered by Link of Hyrule 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You did the wrong thing by having her stay with you. You wife is also a dumbass and tied to her mother's apron string. She is not an adult who can handle her marriage well, but a child who needs to lean on her momma for everything and every decision. You married the wrong girl.
You should buy a new house or rent a new place and exclude your mother-in-law from it. Let her stay in the present place. If this can't be done and your wife insists on staying with her, it's time to divorce her and start all over again with another woman.
2006-09-14 05:28:03 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If she has not paid then kick her *** out its your house.
Second, leave your wife I know you love her but from what you just typed she does not love you....
I would leave and contact a lawyer to get the house and get them out of the house and get a dircove.. I'm a married woman and my husband and mother do not get along.... however, i have explained to my mother that this is my husband and I will not let any one come in between us and we have been married for 7 years and going strong.. Leave them people along she is not a wife but a child if she keeps runnning up under your mother and maybe that was they plan from the begining to use you...
dont say anything to them do what you have to do and move them out so you can move on
Good Luck
2006-09-14 02:50:45 · answer #3 · answered by Tee 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should get a home ( even rented ) far away from your mother-in-law, take your kids with you, and offer her a temporary period of probation, living with you, at least part of the day.
She will accept eventually if does'nt do it immediatly, give her some time, living away from you and your kids will change her mind.
The big question here is: How have you treated them (specially her), you didn't give more info, I assume you are not an angel.
Good luck, hope this is useful for all of you
2006-09-14 02:50:18 · answer #4 · answered by Classy 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, as you point out, your wife -was- the daughter to her mother before she ever became your wife.
While in some countries extended families can live together more harmoniously (for whatever reason, good or bad), in the United States we're a bit more individualist and this can cause friction.
Moving back in with her mom, even if it was with good intentions, made a definite conflict for your wife. She either sticks to her husband and suffers rejection from her role model and the parent who is supposed to affirm her; or she tries to appease her mom, leaving you high and dry and disappointed; or she tries to make everyone happy and fails in both areas.
To top it off, you don't mention a father-in-law. Is your MIL divorced, separated, or widowed? If it's one of the first two, well, that's another possible warning sign that she can't relate well.
She sounds domineering and self-centered, with a sense of entitlement. This behavior probably was also there when your wife was a child, meaning she was placed in the position of being controlled by her mother. If she fought her mother, she was simply overruled; meanwhile, she was being dominated.
People in a no-win situation either withdraw (if they can), give in and be controlled, or fight and get crushed.
Just curious, was it your MIL's idea for you to move in with her? If it was just her, your wife was simply reverting back to her childhood defenses after you moved in. But if your wife was also vocal about moving in with her, then there's the possibility she still had that unhealthy relationship with her mom and her loyalties were already divided before you moved in.
You have two basic issues: Restoring your relationship with your wife and kids, and somehow disentangling from the financial commitment you made with the MIL.
You might have to work on the second problem first, even though you are hurting right now. The thing is, you will never get your wife back as long as you are in that house with the MIL, and the mortgage/joint property issue is keeping you there. I don't know the legal issues involved, or how it works with dual signers who are not married, but your first job is to extricate yourself from any legal and financial agreements with the MIL.
Then you will be free to take your family and go, if you can convince your wife to do so.
You did admit to saying a lot of heated things to your MIL. Maybe they were justified, but if your wife is the sort of person I'm imagining, your comments were still very hurtful to her. This is still her mother, and she loves her despite her manipulations and any codependency issues.
Some people "think" with their heart, and you need to respect that when talking with them, even if you think it's completely off the wall, if you hope to get anywhere.
So I think your best first shot at reconciliation involves:
1. Getting your wife alone to talk, no kids either if possible.
2. Apologize for any nasty things you said about her mom. You can gently qualify this -- "I'm frustrated, I feel like she's fighting me for you, I feel like she doesn't care about us and that she dislikes me, I wanted to leave but couldn't, and so I ended up saying some very angry things" -- since it will feel like you're losing integrity just to suck up everything without expressing yourself. Just don't make heated excuses or attack your MIL. You can explain the bad things you said while still asking forgiveness for them.
3. Tell her you still love her, you want her and the kids with you, and that you also respect her desire to care for her mom but that living with her is not working, and so you need to find a different solution for all of you. I know you don't feel like helping the MIL at all, but remember that it's your wife's mother, so that relationship is important to your wife -- you can't just blow it off, you need to work with it.
I hope things work out. You are definitely in a bind, due to the mortgage issue. It will demand a lot of patience, energy, empathy for your wife, and keeping your cool to make it through.
2006-09-14 03:08:13 · answer #5 · answered by Jennywocky 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
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2016-10-14 23:59:23 · answer #6 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Really i pity you..The more youlike your careless wife the more you suffer.if you can forget her and be happy...your so called wife is more a mothers daughter than thinking as your wife.If you allow her on her own sane ness may come and she will come back to you.As long as she thinks she is indispensable for you she behaves this way.Do not give room to that.
2006-09-14 02:53:27 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
OK, so you took the mortgage with her? She hasn't paid on it? Have you records of this? Is there legal recourse, to get her ejected from the house? Play hardball. Sometimes it's all they understand. Do NOT let this woman derail you.
2006-09-14 02:46:01 · answer #8 · answered by longhair140 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Let her mother have her back, she's happy letting her mother control her life. Let this be a lesson to you why it's never a good idea to live with other family members. Make sure you never allow it to happen again in your life.
2006-09-14 03:34:55 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hire a lawyer and haave them evicted from the home .
2006-09-14 02:48:48 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋