they said it wasn't me,but I had heard through the grapevine,it was. I had heard it from good friends that it was because i was free-spirited,,( i'm not gay/bi,ect. I am very straight) that is why I attracted them. they went on to say,i am very domineering,b**chy,and manipulative,not to mention that I was a control freak. This made me mad,as that out of the two,one was a very masuline biker,who bashed gay ppl every chance he got. I was really surprised to know he went gay. I heard it from my friends,it was because of me. My other hubby was bi,and it was no surprise he went gay,but it hurt me to hear, I " drove him that way." Do gay men "go" bi? I don't want to sound ignorant,ok? I don't know much about the gay community,so i am asking because of curiousity. I have also had many bi ( male) lovers and they tell me I am a real woman. I was raised by my mom (she was bi) and she was a feminist. I guess i learned it from her. to know I " made a man go gay" makes me feel crappy.
2006-09-13 18:28:02 · 13 answers · asked by Dragonflygirl 7 in Society & Culture ➔ Cultures & Groups ➔ Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender
No dear it wasn't you. No one can make someone go gay. (I mean, is there a man out there who could make you a lesbian???) Anyways, I am bi myself and the best insight I can give you is this.
Perhaps after getting out of a serious relationship with a woman, they decided they wanted to be in a serious relationship with a man. They are both probably still bisexual, only they are dating men now (bisexual applies who they are attracted to, not who they are dating!)
No more worries for you, there is nothing you did wrong.
2006-09-14 06:48:29 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Honey, please. They only say that because they wanted to put the blame one someone else. They were playing the blame game, because they wanted a reason to get out of a traditional marriage and be themselves.
Here's the thing about bisexuality as I understand it. Being bisexual is only a phase. Everyone I know that has been "bi" has gone completely gay after a while. I'm gay myself, and used to think I was bi. I thought I could love a woman, but I can't. Well, yes I can love women in a friends kinda way, but not in an intimate way.
What you're husbands did is finally realize that they are completely gay. It's nobody's fault, even though they made it sound that way. Don't let it get to you, and try to stay away from relationships with bisexual men, they won't last. They will always want something more, something they can only get from another man.
I know this from experience, and I've seen it happen with friends. I think it's a good theory, but it's for you to judge. Good luck and love yourself.
2006-09-13 20:27:52 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
If they are shifting the blame upon you then they are just wrong. They were probably always gay to begin with. The bi guy who said you drove him away probably wasn't true either, especially since he went back to men. Chances are his feelings are stronger towards men than women. The other guy, well, if he bashed gay ppl every chance he got, that's usually a sign of someone who is very closeted. Even many of the str8 guys I know who are uncomfortable with gay people don't go around bashing them all the time.
In either case they felt bad about leaving and rather than accept the responsibility and say it was them the truth is they've told others that it was you. They've just shifted the blame. That and they're ego might be too crushed if they admited it was their fault (let's face it, bi or gay or str8 all men's egos are the same).
Don't read too much into what you hear "through the grapevine", it's probably just their ego talking. Truth is, they're right, it wasn't you. It was them (they're just too proud to admit that they were in the wrong). And if anyone dares makes you feel bad by saying "you made them go gay" just remind yourself that no one can be "made" to go gay. They were either gay to begin with and just in deep denial about it or they were bi and just prefered men more than women and just didn't want to admit that either.
Peace be with you.
2006-09-13 19:33:35 · answer #3 · answered by gabriel_zachary 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Under no circumstance should you believe that you "drove them to being gay." Homosexuality is not a choice. In actuality, heterosexuality, in some respects, is. One of my best friends is a bi-woman. She loves both sexes equally. In this way, it is not a matter of penis vs. vagina, but the person in question. In response to your first husband, I must concur with the others who say that he was probably acting the way he did to mask his feelings that being gay was wrong. If you tried to help him understand that it wasn't wrong, only then could you be even remotely considered as "turning" him. I say that only because, with you, if he learned it was ok he might actually accept himself for who he really is. This is what I mean by heterosexuality being a choice. There are many homosexuals who feel they must deny themselves and "choose" to be straight merely to meet the expectations of society.
As for your second husband, I'm not even sure he knows what he wants. My bf's ex was a married bi man who loved his wife dearly, but also had a fascination with younger males. He and his wife divorced because of this fact. Even today, he will say he is bi when in fact, (1) he has only been with two women his entire life (none since his wife), and (2) he has no desire for women which he admits. Your second husband may have been going through the temporary "bisexual" phase that many males go through. In this way, they can admit their longings for guys but at the same time halfway redeem themselves because of their interest in women.
I'm not sure I understand what their problem would be if you were free-spirited. It just means that you're more open to it than most people. And if you were domineering, b**chy, manipulative, and/or a control freak what does that have to do with their sexuality? It may be a breaking point for a marriage (if it's true) but I don't a queer or a lesbian who has said, "I don't like your personality, so I'm going to dump you and go homo."
And no, gay men don't go bi. There are quite a few who have never been with a woman and have no desire to at all. I know many who cringed at the sound of the word "vagina". There are some who experiment with it, some who don't mind it but would rather have the ol' ramrod instead, and then your truely bisexual ones who enjoy both equally. So buck up hun...anybody who's willing to blame it all on you isn't worth your time. =D
2006-09-13 19:13:10 · answer #4 · answered by Joshua B 1 · 4⤊ 0⤋
I doubt very seriously that you "made" them go gay. Once upon a time, I got married to a woman, and at the time I KNEW I was gay, but I thought if I got married, everything would be OK. Two years later we were in Splitsville.
She had the same feelings - she wondered if it was HER. It wasn't. I was gay and it didn't matter WHO I married. I would have come out anyway.
However, you did mention some negative character traits that you have. I suggest you work on those, try to change your personality. You didn't turn anyone gay, but those negative things in your personality may prevent you from having a good relationship with a man in the future.
Love, Jack.
2006-09-13 23:57:08 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Don't worry, it's not your fault. These guys were more than likely gay before dating you, but said they were bi as a form of partial denial. You probably just attract gay men for some reason. I know allot of girls like that. It's not your fault. Your acceptance of homosexuality and your assertive personality leads these guys to realize that there's nothing wrong with being gay. Nobody can "turn" someone gay or straight unless they already have that tendency. I wouldn't worry too much about it.
2006-09-13 18:42:52 · answer #6 · answered by ? 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
You may or may not have contributed in major ways to the divorces, but their sexual orientation directed the choice they made, not you. The marital experience may have made them realize that a hetero relationship was not for them.
The question you need to ask yourself is what attracts you to men who are like these two. Your history is one of exposure to bi-sexuality and made you open to a relationship with a bi-sexual. But, the type of men you married may be an indication of a problem you have in developing a relationship with a person who satisfies your needs., some of which may be unrealistic. You may want to explore with a professional counselor the issue.
2006-09-13 18:46:15 · answer #7 · answered by jerry f 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It was not you, but he who made himself "go gay".
It is merely a way to rationalize an incorrect choice they made. They thought they felt one way. They discovered they were wrong. They recinded a very strong committment. Now, they feel bad about that, but also about being gay, so they must rationalize.
They simply had more options for escaping a relationship that did not work out. It cannot be you. It must be him as only we are the masters of our universe.
2006-09-13 18:35:12 · answer #8 · answered by Phoenix, Wise Guru 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
In spite of what you think about turning men "gay", it doesnt happen that way. They were gay to begin with, thus the divorce. It just so happened that it happened twice to you. I would know, I live with a gay man... who used to be married to a woman; he said he was ALWAYS gay... it just took some PRACTICE, that and a marraige is a good way to HIDE in the closet.
2006-09-13 18:40:17 · answer #9 · answered by sandrawiltzen 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
honey get real two closeted men finally admitted they we're gay, why do you seek out gay men? there are a lot of women who are strongly attracted to gay men. i would suggest you stay away from "bi" men and stick to straight guys. no one can turn anyone queer, you are or you aren't.......good luck!!!
2006-09-13 20:15:03 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋