i need help plz?

Question

i need help on my metophor poem
i wrote mine but can you guys please fix it better for me thank you
here the poem:

Happiness is a bowl of ice cream
In hot summer
Ice cream is like a life saver
Without a ice cream
your mouth becomes
hot oven
Once, you bite
Your ice cream
With your mouth
Your mouth dances
And enjoys
With happiness

Answer 1

This is really good - the only minor things i would change is line 1: take out "bowl" just say Happiness is ice cream. and in line 4 instead of saying w/out ice cream - I would say "Without It". line 6 add "a" to hot oven, and find another word to end the poem "Happiness" is used at very beginning something else should be at end. Try out: Joy, elation, bliss, delight, ecstasy, rapture, euphoria...? any of those would work!

Answer 2

I agree, its a pretty good poem and I think that the last person pretty much got it all. Just one small comment, since you say it is a metaphor poem I would remove the word "like" from the third line. Adding "like" or "as" makes it into a simile rather than a metaphor, you would be better off just saying "Ice cream is a life saver." Good luck.