I am afraid to find a gay boyfriend...?

Question

I am gay myself, but the impression that I got from gays are pretty negative (either from tv or yahoo answers). Note, I dont have any gay friends, so I dont know if they are true or not...
- It seems like gays focused too much on the looks - basically if you are not pretty, then it is almost certain that you will never find a boyfriend.
- Then it is about physical appearance. It is about whether you are muscular or not.
- It always involves sex, which leads to whether a guy is hung or not. I dont know, I find it very scary that gays are mostly associated with sex.
- Intelligence: I got the impression that most gays would look down on others if they are not smart enough...
I feel very insecure... I know that I am not pretty, not muscular, not hung, or not smart compared to others. What should I do?

I just want to say...
-I am not that old (I hope, and I am 19).
-And when I say I am not mascular, I do not mean that I am terribly fat (I hope, I am 5'8', about 135 lbs)
-And intelligence is not mesaured with academics. Yes, I go to UC Berkeley and got mostly A's there (except for o-chem, arr), but I do not feel that I am smart. I think smartness should be measured in how you would apply a concept to a new situtation, or how you would interact with each other.

oh, the additional detail is for the guy named trueblond

thanks, ornge_sherbert!

hey Beckham613! it is so sweet of you to offer to help me with ochem! Oh, and I never know the scope of leading a gay life until now, lol!

Answer 1

Hey Travis,

Like most people, I too have been in the same situation that you are talking about. When I was in high school, the only gay people around me were the stereotypes, the jock/boy next door type of guy with great looks, dressed well, smelt nice and always talked about who they were with on their weekend. I guess you could say I would have felt like the odd one out. I didnt have their defined bodies, I've always been skinny, I struggled to find clothes that would fit me too which never helped. I had never been with a guy before, and I wouldnt classify myself as "HOT" or "GORGEOUS" either. Just Ave.

I spoke to my mate Tea about all this; my impressions on these other guys and things, and she basically laid it on me. she said something along the lines of "Are you stupid? (smacks me on the forehead) Their superficial, they dont care about anybody but themselves, and they certainly dont have, and will never have, the ability to hold a decent conversation with a real person coz all they want is a cock inside them. Your JOSH, the one and only. You cant change the way you are, so deal with it. I wouldnt be your best mate if you werent."

I guess after she told me this i kinda sat back for a while and agreed with what she said. There is no point in me looking up to these people when all they have is a pretty face and a huge cock. I didnt really care how intelligent they were either. From then on i decided that if nobody likes me for me, then screw them, they obviously werent worth my time and effort. I adopted this attitude pretty well, and its worked for me ever since.

You dont have to have a stunningly hot body to get a boyfriend, I dont. You dont have to be hung like a horse, im certainly not. You dont have to be incrediably intelligent either, christ, im definatly not getting myself any awards for intelligance any time soon. But what you do have is everything you are. Im none of these things, and neither is my partner, but we found eachother and have been with eachother for 2 1/2 years. It might not sound like very long, but he is truely perfect.

Yes, there are a lot of gay guys out there who look specifically for this guy you've got pictured in your head, but that doesnt mean you need to be that guy. The guy you should be is yourself, dont bother trying to be anybody else, its not necessary. I dont care if your black, white or yellow, if your skinny, or built, hung or not, uncut or cut... its irrelevant, its their personality that im attracted to, nothing else. If i like your style, who you truely are, im going to be more impressed with that then a 9" penis with a built up body attached to it.

Good luck Travis, I hope that what I've written truely helps. Its hard to come to terms with, i know, ive been there, done that, but You'll find yourself and what your after. It just takes time.


Best of wishes,

Josh,
Auckland, New Zealand.

Answer 2

Hey Travis.... As a friend, instead of complaining, DO SOMETHING about it. For everyone out there, being gay is HARD and it's a STRUGGLE just to survive the field. Geeze, I came out when I was 13 and been on a diet since then, so I've been starving myself for a decade and 2 years. I worked out like a mad man, I wear pointy uncomfy shoes everyday, I wear brand name clothes that make me stand out, I get my haircut, my eyebrows waxed and facial every two weeks, my bathroom counter looks like a cosmetic counter in every department store in the nation. The reason why I do all these things because I'm gay. It's gay life. Superficial and shallow but it's fantastic!!!

You're still young, you'll find someone. Don't they have some gay clubs or queer groups in Berkeley. I know they do, sign up and enjoy the benefits of the club. ( which is meeting some hot cute guys)

Anyhow, I can help you study Organic Chemistry. I love Ochem, it's the easy chemisty out there (compares to Inorganic, Biochem and Pchem) You know my AIM and my digits, so give me a call if you need help.

Answer 3

Ok, first off, you need to meet some gay people. Everything you just mentioned is nothing but stereotypes. The people you see doing those things are the only ones you know are gay because they make it obvious. Most of us are pretty "normal" people.

I'm gay but I don't focus on looks. Sure they are nice but looks fade so in 20 years I'd rather have someone I could have an intelligent conversation with at the breakfast table than someone I can drool over until he hits middle age. I had a partner that most wouldn't consider hot by any means but I thought he was cute in his own way and he had a super personality which is much better. Physical looks are only for those who are shallow, and there are plenty of shallow heterosexuals.

Sex is important but by no means the only thing a gay relationship revolves around. You just need to meet someone that makes you happy. Make sure they understand you're not in it for a one night stand. I think a lot of gay people can be like that because they assume that since they're gay and you're gay then ya'll should go have sex. Well that's not the only important thing in this world. Don't have sex on a first date, it sets a bad impression. If you truely like someone and they like you as much there should be mutual respect and when you both are ready it will happen.

Intelligence, well, I don't know what to say about that. I don't think you need to be Einstein to make someone happy and I'm sure that even if you aren't, which I doubt, you will make someone happy. There is someone for everyone, you just haven't found him yet. Don't be so insecure about it. Get out and meet people. Talk about things you like, your hobbies, what you do for fun on the weekend, etc. And don't worry about size - it does NOT matter to anyone who's not superficial.

Hope this helps you

Answer 4

Hey man, I feel your pain. I don't know your age, but I'm 33 and have been in pretty much the same boat for quite some time.

Gay guys ARE superficial and negative. It's just a simple fact. Back when I was trying to fool myself into being straight, I used to date girls who were attractive, even though I'm pretty average looking myself (but I'm not the Elephant Man or anything!). They seemed to be not as concerned about looks as gay men are. With gay men, looks is number one on their list, and other things like personality, interests, etc... seem to be a distant second. I don't know what to tell you in that respect other than just to hang in there and hopefully you will meet someone nice. At least that's what people keep telling me.

As for being smart... well, I can say that your message here was written clearly and properly, so I think maybe you're not giving yourself enough credit in that department? And in regard to the muscular/hung thing... not ALL gay guys are concerned about that. For me, huge muscles are a bit of a turn-off, as are HUGE penises. As long as it works properly, it doesn't have to be huge! LOL

Anyway, I don't know if this will make you feel better or worse, but drop me a line sometime if you'd like to chat or something.

Answer 5

First impressions come first with the physical appearance,even among the heterosexuals,but most won,t last! 2 souls must have good chemistry and not the sexual attraction even if this is very important for the relationship! Gays are typecast for being horny,but you must consider that there are more straight guys that are more horny!Just be yourself,If you have a self-pity,you will be forever desperate,love yourself and be unique,other people have nothing to do with your life! You soulmate is ahead that really deserves your love! Sex is not a matter of body shapes but it counts the love and souls that binds between two lovers! If you are happy and keep smiling, you are more better person than those smart people who are hypocrite and not true to themselves! Good luck,God loves you so much!

Answer 6

Don't believe the stereotypes, Travis. First of all, you probably just have low self esteem. Even if you aren't perfect, it doesn't mean that no one will like you. We all have our flaws, if you could even call them that. Just because society thinks you should be one way doesn't mean that it's the "right" way to be, no matter how many people believe it. And no matter how you look, how well endowed you are, how smart you are, how well you dress, there is someone out there that will love you for who you are.

And sex has little to do with a lasting relationship. My boyfriend has a friend that used to be obsessed with sex. Sex was all he ever cared about, and he didn't really think about having a serious relationship. Then he fell in love with a guy that was HIV+. Sex really doesn't matter to him too much any more, they never have sex. He's with someone that he loves, and that's all that matters. I think deep down that was always there, he just didn't feel like dealing with the reality of commitment.

Based on your other questions, I think you have a huge heart. In most circumstances that's really all you need. While allot of guys are shallow, they tend to be the ones that don't find happiness. If you look for someone based on their heart, that's what they'll be attracted to in you. And whatever you do, don't get involved with an ****** just because he's attractive, and takes a liking to you. I know the hardship of that one from personal experience.

Good luck to you, Travis and I know you'll find the guy that's right for you!

Answer 7

You definitely need to talk to your bf about this. Call him and let him know that you want to talk to him. This conversation has to happen in person. Set up a time and place (maybe have lunch) . And then tell him how you feel. Be honest about your feelings. Let him know that you are afraid that him going away might affect your relationship. Basically just talk about what's going to happen. And don't let people bring you down with comments like long distance relationships don't work. I think this is false and it depends on each individual. If you are serious about your feelings and relationship then you will be committed and things will work out. Of course this commitment is between two people. You might be down to try a long distance relationship, but the other person might not want to. That's why you need to talk to your bf about it. Communication is the key here! Very important in any relationship. I hope I have helped

Answer 8

This is an every-day life issue many gays go through. I even went through the same thing. Always worried about whether a boy liked me or not. Tried to dress to impress. Wanted to become a member of a gym to gain muscles so that boys liked me. I wanted to do many things just to impress people. But you know what...I put a stop to it. Instead of doing myself a good thing, I was doing myself a bad thing. I'm not perfect at all. I wish I was. I'm no jock, stud, brand queen, you name it, nothing like that. Just a normal boy. Bright one, yes. Very intelligent, gained it from my books....so yeah, I'm very intellectual.

Besides that, I do many things other than just sex. I participate in triathlons throughout the year here all over California. I'm part of a sky diving and hang gliding team. Business Admn. major. Travel often, even though I do not have a car. Very social...I talk to people whether I know them or not. Opened minded, very energetic, a bit wild when unleashed, loll, but always active...active in a way where I keep myself from trouble.

Yeah, now a days many boys out there do look for other boys their type. How they dress, muscles, tight a s s, big *****, biceps, you name it. Nothing much we can do about it to change that, but we sure can cope with it pretty good. We just do what we enjoy doing.

Answer 9

There is one simple mistake in your logic, which I have to point out. You are assuming all gay people are alike. That is a stereotype, which generalizes all people of a specific group and eliminates all aspects of a person's individuality. All gay men are not alike (i.e. shallow, sex oriented or size-discriminatory) Just like all Catholics, blacks, hispanics and women are not the same. Each person is an individual.

Just be yourself and meet people. The right man will come along and fall in love with you--not cuz of your looks, intelligence, or penis size--but simply for the wonderful person he recognized you for! Have faith and good luck!

Answer 10

Number One -- I guarantee that you do in fact know other homosexual people -- most are indistinguishable from anyone else. Do most of the people who know you know THEY have a gay friend?

Number Two -- For a whole lot of us pretty is distinctly NOT related to being muscular. Just as there are lots of different tastes in women among straight men -- there are lots of different tastes in guys among gay ones. As far as I'm concerned, all muscular men can hang (not literally, and only for purposes of interest) I've always preferred slight and wiry (thin is good) and I usually avoid muscular, as I don' t find gym bunnies attractive.

Number Three -- All healthy relationships that proceed to the point of being worth calling them relationships involve sex, not just gay ones -- straight ones too. Some people like big ones, some people like small ones, some people like average, some people like cut, some people like uncut, some people don't care. Some people like curved ones, some people like straight ones, etc.

Number Four -- Some gays are intelligent, some are educated, some are average, and some are simple. I'm educated -- the intelligent part -- well, I read alot -- but I certainly have never picked my friends, gay or straight on their brains. If a person is gentle and caring and a good friend, then they are good enough for me.

No one ever thinks they are pretty or smart -- and muscular is MUCH less important than you think.

There are even people who prefer heavy hairy men -- I'm not one of them, but they do exist.

You are right that you are insecure. Let it go -- and start meeting people. If you want to chat via email, email me at the address in my signature block, I'd be glad to talk.

Regards,

Reyn
[e-mail]
Justice Service Albany: http://www.rebuff.org/justice/

PS Fascinating isn't it how the little bottom feeders of the extremists come out to see if they can't get you to hate yourself and "convert."

For those with the silly bronze age posts and their suggestion that you "read the bible" and escape while you can -- all based of course upon your perceived self-hatred.

I believe what the Bible says about homosexuality exactly as much as I believe what it says about planting seed together and about wearing clothing of mixed fabric [Leviticus 19:19]. I accept that the Bible is correct about being gay in exactly the same way that I accept what it says about committing genocide in god's name [Joshua 10:40-42 and Joshua 11: 18-23]; about god accepting a human sacrifice [Judges 11:30-39]; about a successful land sacrifice (looking EXACTLY like the land sacrifices being offered by other pagan kingdoms) [II Samuel 21] and about god causing cannibalism among the people [Deuteronomy 28: 53-59].

The Bible is a book full of historical errors [We now know that Jericho was abandoned for hundreds of years before the story of its seizure by the Israelites, additionally, we know that it was NEVER walled. The battle of Jericho never took place therefore], biological errors [Leviticus 11: 21-23 -- locusts have six feet of course], and mathematical errors [Numbers 3:16-39 -- add them up yourself, 300 more than the Bible totals the numbers to].

So the short answer is no, I don't believe what the Bible says -- about homosexuality or anything else. The earth does not sit on pillars [I Samuel 2:8] nor is it established atop the waters [Psalms 24:1-2]. It does not have corners [Isaiah 11:12], nor do there exist treasuries of the air -- though that is not an uncommon thought in the days that the bible was written [Psalm 135:7].

The Bible has little to do with historical Christianity (the canon of books was not established until after the Council of Nicea and not finalized until the Council of Carthage). Christianity is all about following Christ, not about following a book. Therefore, no Christian who loves Jesus Christ needs worry about what a bronze age book of myths says about anything.