My fiance' lied too me. Does this matter?

Question

My fiance' had a scare on the back of her neck and I asked her what it was. She said it was from an accident. Then, a month later,I noticed another one that was symetrical on the left side. So I asked her again. She started to deny it again, but then she finally admitted that she had some plastic surgery in she said she felt embarrassed. I told her that I think she is a liar and she says that I am being too hard on her and I should not hold this against her cuz she was embarressed.

She also lied about how sexual she was in the past. I asked her and she did not tell the whole truth. Then I asked her again some months later and she admitted to being promiscuious and said that she was afraid that I would judge her. Does she seem like someone not to be trusted?

Answer 1

NO THIS IS NOT TRUE SHE IS SIMPLY AFRIAD OF YOUR JUGMENTAL BEHAVIOR!! SO WILL U STOP IT PLS! HOW CAN ONE TRUST EACH OTHER, IF U ARE NOT THERE TO SUPPORT HER BUT INSTEAD JUGDE HER AND CRITIZE.
INSTEAD LOVE HER AND BE A TRUE FRIEND...SHE'LL TELL U ALL IN NO TIME......I TOLD MY BF. BUT SOME TIMES R BETTER LEFT UNSAID...LIKE HOW MANY PARTERS YO'VE HAD BEFORE....

Answer 2

Your response is exactly the reason why she is holding the truth back from you. Definitely, she should tell you the truth, but you need to reassure her that she doesn't have to be afraid of being open with you. It doesn't seem like she is maliciously lying to you or trying to cover anything up, since she does tell you the truth eventually. From your description, she does not sound like a person who habitually lies (well, if she does then you probably do have a problem on your hands).

A major key to any functional relationship is open communication. You can not get mad at her after she DOES tell you the truth, or else she will just close up to you even more. Telling the truth should be rewarded positively, not with more suspicion. Be understanding, and encourage open communication. Do not focus on what she did in the past, and focus on your relationship now and (since you say she is your fiancee) especially the future.

To avoid the whole problem, she should probably not take part in things that she is embarassed about and would feel inclined to lie about.

Answer 3

I think you seem to be someone to hold something against someone and not understanding their reason.

If she would of told you the first time about it, you would reacted the same way about both things. She didn't want that and hope that eventually she could discuss it with you or feel embarressed about it.

You are judging her and that is why she didn't tell you in the first place. Her past is the past and frankly, as long as she is clean and in great relationship with you, then it doesn't matter to you how her sexual past was.

You both might need pre-marital counseling and be able to discuss things like this with out lying or causing judgment on one another before getting married.

Especially since you question trust, don't marry until you settle this "trust" issue.

I bet you lied or haven't told her the truth on a lot of your stuff. So, don't pin this all on her either. Understand why she didn't tell you in the first place..since the way you acting is the reason why.

Answer 4

As for the scars on her neck, that's not a big deal; maybe she was embarrassed and didn't want to tell you. As for her past promiscuous behavior (emphasis on PAST), she should have told you the whole truth about it, whether it was one person or 100. In this day of rampant sexual diseases, she should have been more forthcoming about it before you two had sex.

As for you trusting her now, ask yourself this question: Have you been upfront and truthful with her about your past? Everyone lies at one time or another, about everything, and it's a matter of whether you want to live with a liar or not. Remember, you are a liar as well. When I say that, I mean that you have told lies in your life at some point or other, maybe not to her, but if you think about it, you have.

I think you should give her another chance so you can rebuild your trust in her. Trust is earned, not given, and it is hard won and worth the fight. Remember not to nit-pick at everything she says from now on, and you'll be alright. Good luck.

Answer 5

Those could be legitimate reasons to her for being untruthful with you. Time will tell if she can be trusted or not. If this is a person that you really love then work with her on it. Let her know that she can trust you, that you will not judge her, that you are going to be married and she should be comfortable sharing all of herself with you. Even the not perfect parts. If still after this she has a hard time with honesty then at that point you need to make a decision about whether this is something you can live with or not.

Answer 6

You have to be the one to decide if you should trust her. In a way I can understand why she lied to you about being promiscuious and having surgery. No girl well not a lot of girls want to admit to being especially promiscuious and the surgery may just be something thats hard for her to admit to anyone.

Answer 7

She simply sounds insecure. Do you give her ANY reason at all to think that you would judge her because of her sexual past, or because she had plastic surgery? You may be a judgemental person, your use of the word "promiscuious" makes me think you might be - and because of her insecurity, she's trying to conform to *your* ideas of what she should be like, like many insecure people do - instead of standing her ground and being independent in her thinking. If it really *doesn't* matter to you what happened in her past, then convey it to her, and let her know you like and accept her as she is. It's difficult to get over this lack of self-esteem - perhaps counseling could help her, or maybe she has a medical problem like clinical depression. She just doesn't sounds like a "lier" to me, just terribly insecure and desperate to please you - and you probably contributed to this situation by passing judgement where you had no reason of doing so.

Answer 8

It's just to hard to tell because a lot of decent people would lie about those things so they would be loved. She does sound superficial, and any promiscuous person has a higher chance of offending against a partner because it indicates at least some of an obsessive-compulsive personality trait, which is difficult to control. Trust her, because if you feel doubt it will destroy the relationship quickly, but don't be naive either.

Answer 9

It sounds like she ashamed of some things she has done in the past. Now should she be lying about it? Most would probably agree she should not.

These are very causal lies that people keep from even their closest friends but I will say that you should keep note because there may be more skeletons in her closet. Maybe you should talk to her & tell her that her past doings should not keep her from being honest with you & that you won't judge her.

She should embrace her imperfections because we all have them & although they may not be acceptable to others it's OUR life & lessons are learned everyday.

Answer 10

She sounds like someone insecure about their relationship, or concerned that you may leave her. I can't really see how previous promiscuity makes someone "untrustworthy", more it suggests that she is worried about your reaction.

You both need to ask yourselves why this is the case. Is she clingy? Is she insecure about how atrracted men are to her (that would certainly be one explanation for having cosmetic surgery)? Is she looking for a long-term relationship for its own sake? Has she been in bad relationships in the past and now wants the security of a lasting partnership, regardless of the cost?

You should ask some questinos about yourself, too. Perhaps you are too critical of her, which makes her more likely to hide aspects about herself. Perhaps you are too jealous or insecure yourself (your reaction to her previous sexual habits might hint at this), and that makes her concerned about your reaction.

Regardless, your relationship is lacking trust. The only way to build it is to talk about things, frank, honest, and really considering what you both want out of the relatnionship. Good luck.

Answer 11

Get over it! Some things people will be afraid of being judged about. Whats in the past should stay in the past.