How long should you try to work things out before calling it quits?

Question

DH cheated on me for two years. I've given it a year and still not happy. Sometimes all I see is him "with" her and it infuriates me. How long should I keep on trying??? We have children.

Answer 1

Healing time is different for everybody as everybody's pain is different. Its fair enough to say you have given him a chance but betrayal like this can take years to accept. Then you also have the fear of it happening again. It is a really difficult time for you, but you do have children together and they are poor innocent victims aswell.
How long can you live like this? It takes a strong person to stay and patch things up, then to give up and walk away. You've made it through the first year and that would be the toughest one.
I hope he is supporting you through this and giving you no reason to doubt him again. He should be remorseful for his actions and sympathetic to your needs. I would base my decision on this aspect. You have learnt to live with pain, but he needs to learn to be faithful and you need to learn to trust again. I hope i have given you what you need to think about.

Answer 2

Sadly the children are always the ones to suffer as the by-product of a relationship gone bad. However it seems at this point that DH doesn't have an iota of respect for you and takes the whole relationship including the children for granted. I would think that your having even bothered to endure his infidelity this long has only added to his self absorbed behavior. I really think the time to move on has passed and you should decidedly pack your things as soon as possible. He is most likely a cad that will try to convince you not to leave with promises of devotion and responsibility but I wouldn't rely on his rhetoric to hold much truth. There are support groups available in your area that can offer you the opportunity to share your problem with others that are going through the same dilemma. Seek help in this issue because it could get worse before it gets better. I don't know what he is capable of doing so I can't go any further, but be careful. There is for sure a good person out there for you. Good Luck!

Answer 3

Let me suggest one thing to do when you reach the critical point of making that decision to leave.

Sit down for just a few moments at your PC and write a narrative or notes, or some comprehensive documentation of everything that's going through your mind that you find troubling about your relationship. Put it in words the 'why' of your departure, all the stresses and efforts you made towards the success of the marriage, all the times he's resisted or ignored your efforts, his indiscretions, etc. And then store the notes in a safe place somewhere.

Reason: If you leave and divorce, after a few years or longer he may get his facts wrong as he tries to convince you that it was your fault, you never gave him a chance, you jumped to conclusions, you're too emotional, etc. And when someone pounds on your emotions like this enough, you may begin to have doubts about yourself.

This is when you pull out the notes as a reminder of your 'frame of mind' at that time and 'why' you couldn't stand it any more, and it may add some clarity as to any manipulation of your thoughts are being attempted these few years later. Your notes may validate your original decision making.

Just a suggestion. Hopefully....you will never need the notes.

Answer 4

Honey, I understand the wanting to make things work for the sake of the children, but it's been a year already. Things aren't changing and if you haven't had any counseling, I'm not sure they are going to. In order to get past an affair, you have to find out why it happened, have all those nagging questions in the back of your mind answered, and your husband needs to be an open book. Your feelings are valid and very real, nobody has the right to tell you to get over it, and nobody has the right to set a time limit on it. If you honestly want this to work, you are going to have to want it with your heart and soul. If you don't and you are just testing the waters and buying time to see how it's going to go, you're only hurting yourself more in the long run. This would have been time you could have been using to pick up the pieces and start rebuilding a life of your own.

Either way, you are going to be fine. You'll do what works for you and you are going to be completely justified in making that decision. Just know, that honey, you shouldn't be the one trying....it should be him. He messed up, not you. My heart goes out to you and I wish you well.

Answer 5

It sounds like he may have had feelings for this other woman if he had an affair with her for 2 years.And that's not something I could live with.My husband cheated on me 10 years ago,and although it was just a one-night stand thing,it took me a very long time to forgive and trust him again.I still haven't forgotten,but he hasn't done anything since to hurt me again.At the time,I had the same reaction as you.I couldn't get the picture out of my mind,but I still loved my husband,and I knew he deeply regretted his mistake.I had to consciously choose wether to let it get to me enough to end my marriage,or to put it behind me and start with a clean slate.I forgave him once,but told him that under no terms would I forgive him a second time.We've been very happy ever since.So,ultimately it's up to you. Mind over matter is the key.You have to ask yourself just how important your marriage is to you,and if it's worth fighting for.If you decide it's not,you need to somehow find a way to end it in an amicable way,not only for the 2 of you,but for your children.

Answer 6

You say nothing about whether or not you've been to counseling together. It's very difficult to build up the trust after such a HUGE infraction on your trust. If you cannot overcome it, you will be miserable and your children will know that you're miserable and they will have to grow up watching their parents not truly love and trust each other. Sometimes, what's best for the children is NOT to stay together. He obviously didn't take his vows seriously, and unless you're both eager (I don't mean just willing - I mean EAGER) to work this through with the help of a counselor, I say WALK AWAY.

Answer 7

The question is: have he cheated you again or you always dig up the past? If he has not cheated you again so why do you have to keep on looking back. The reason why you are not happy it is because you did it to yourself. You are being hounded by the ghost of the past that is why you just cant move on and work on your relationship. You actually have not forgiven him for what he has done in the past because your mind set will not allo you to forget. Change your paradigm and free yourself from the ghost of the past.

Answer 8

In all reality you need to do what you have to do to make yourself happy. If you are unhappy your children will see it and that is not a good environment to be in. You want to set a good example for your children.. If this were your daughter what would you tell her? To stay and be miserable? Maybe you two are just not meant to be. Or have grown apart.

Answer 9

First you have to remember we are all human,mistakes etc. Not that cheating on you was right.No way!But if you once had something and want it back. Go to a counselor.TALK and talk some more.The next day things that you thought were all wrong may seem better. I wish you luck and prayers.

Answer 10

If you have to ask this question, it's obviously bothering you. Truth is, personalities don't change, so expect that this can very well happen again and probably will. You need to weigh your feelings and ask yourself if it's worth staying with him with the likelihood that it will recur, or go on with your life and set your standards higher with your next relationship. What would he have done if it was you who did the cheating?